I haven't posted here before... I have been reading, but just joined so I could write this. I admit I am pretty nervous because this forum is public, but I will try to be triply careful of what I say.

I have been seeing my T for five years exactly, twice a week. It's been a very difficult go, both because I frequently have pretty awful trauma symptoms (I've been hospitalized many times over the last few years), and because the relationship itself is very difficult. I have huge attachment problems, lots and lots of dissociation, etc. I've had quite a few therapists before her, but have never found myself in the position of feeling attached to one of them. None of them helped me much, either. None of them ever even figured out what was wrong (which is that I'm really dissociative). With my current T, I've made lots of progress but at least as many steps backwards with regular periods of hitting rock bottom. I like her and care deeply about her (and have this horribly pesky attachment that causes me no end of pain). But the relationship is hard, and we have fairly regular ruptures. I'm doing better now than I used to.

The things I'm coming to ask about is that a few months ago, I mentioned something in passing to my T - a Life Milestone I expect to come up soon. I hadn't realized that I'd never mentioned my plans to her before, so to be fair it was a total shock to her and she had no info to go on at all. Her reaction was "Oh my god. YOU ARE NOT READY". I remember her almost laughing, as if it was impossible to even seriously consider it (not sure how accurate that is, I'm pretty sensitive to feeling like I'm being mocked). We had just recovered from the last and most serious rupture of all, and I was unwilling to get into it and risk upsetting things again... I also did not feel enough trust in her to pursue it. I had a few bad days trying to sort it out, but eventually set it aside.

Now the Life Milestone is coming closer. She asked me today what my goals for this year are, and to be truthful one of them is to prepare myself as best I can, knowing that it will be both wonderful and really difficult (and I'm sure I will have lots of special difficulties). She asked me to think about the question, so I didn't need to answer today. But we had an intense session in other ways, and as soon as I got home my sad little brain grabbed onto this as one more thing to feel overwhelmed by. I also suspect parts of me are searching for reasons to believe that she is not safe and will hurt me, because she was very kind and patient today and that was confusing.

Regardless, I do need to tell her at some point soon that I am seriously planning to do this, and to give her the details that will put it into context for her (and hopefully make her think I'm a little less crazy). I badly want to have her help figuring it all out... she is the only person who knows the things I struggle with. I'm terrified to tell her, though.

I'm scared that she will judge me for wanting to go ahead with it, even though "I'm crazy". I'm afraid she will basically think I'm one of those people who just shouldn't move on with their lives in this way.

I'm also afraid that, when she gets frustrated with me, she'll start saying things like "You'll have to work harder or you'll never be able to handle That." It would feel unbearable if she held it over my head like that.

Lastly... there are some non-trauma related things that will make this Life Milestone a little more complicated than it is for most people. I understand that, I'm prepared for it. But I feel self-conscious talking to her about it, and I'm afraid she'll ask questions that I don't feel comfortable answering. I'm afraid if I don't answer, she'll be upset with me, and take it as proof that I'm not working hard, don't know what I'm getting into, etc.

My issues with her mainly center around attachment, and specifically my horrible fear of her being upset with me and subsequently abandoning me or hurting me in some way. The difficult thing is that she HAS gotten upset with me in the past. We got through it, and I'm working hard to learn to communicate better with her, and also to somehow believe that I am grown up enough to make my own decisions and have my own opinions, even if they aren't the same as hers. In private, it crushes me... I just try to hide it from her.

I don't know. This is really long, and I know no one here knows me. I got here from Attachment Girl's blog, which I've found incredibly helpful as I constantly struggle to survive my relationship with my T. I am terrified of her and need her, all at the same time. Sometimes I'm not sure if I can do this.