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6 replies

How Will I Survive the Holidays?

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I've been really down the past few days and there is a huge fear and sadness which is beginning to engulf me even more than I have been lately. The holidays are looming and I think it being Chanukah yesterday really triggered me. I gave my old T a really special gift from my heart for Chanukah last year. It was closer to Christmas last year... my son and I even gave the therapy dog presents for the holiday. It was a really lovely session with good feelings all around and aside from that... he helped me deal with the mixed up feelings and anxiety that I experience around the holiday season. We made some good connections and he really understood.

Then he went away for 10 days and it was such a struggle for me to be without him during that time. It was sort of a surprise to me that he was taking vacation as he had not done that in previous years. Now I cannot believe it was such a big deal to go ten measeley days when I have not seen him or spoken to him in TEN WEEKS now. And leaving him in such a bad and traumatic way ... not even knowing if he hates me or was disgusted with me and that's why he abandoned me. Not knowing what I did to destroy this so important relationship.

And I'm just not up to the whole deck the halls, let's be joyful stuff. I have to be fake and paste a smile on my face and act like everything is fine when I am dying inside and feel like I can crumble to tiny pieces at any moment. It takes all my strength and energy to just get through the day to day stuff like my job, cleaning the house and caring for my son. I have nothing left for the shopping, wrapping and decorating and cooking. It all seems so overwhelming that I wish I could crawl into a cave until it's all over. Unfortunately, you just don't get that option when you have a ten year old that loves Christmas.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I lived alone. Then I could just wallow and no one else would be damaged by my being so horrible. I just feel so guilty that I have ruined this year for my son (and my dh) and they really don't know why and I cannot tell them.

I emailed newT last night but have not heard anything back from him yet and you know that now I'm feeling like an idiot for sharing my feelings with him too. Why did I bother?

Thanks for listening
TN
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frogfrogMember
TN, oh it aches when reading this poster... i understand (in a very limited way of course) that it must be espescially hard for you now, as christmans-time is comming up... as it so much reminds you of that time, last year. And therefore your T. LIke its all loaded with T`s precens- or should i say- absence.. I also understnad why you would feel like rahter being alone, so you wouldnt have to worry for not being good enough for your son..
You just wrote something that really striked me:

quote:
And leaving him in such a bad and traumatic way
quote:


you leaving HIM in a traumatic way??! (sorry if its my bad english that misinterpreted this) I just really wondered if you meant the opposite here?(freudian slip)

I think its good that you wrote about this to your new T. I dont know how fast he normally replies, but anyway, sharing this with T sounds like a very important and good thing to do IMO. i tend to think that the more your new T understnad how much this loss and truma effects your day-to-day life, the better he will be able to offor help. Now he will be aware of how much you struggle with the upcomming hollidays too. I know how hard it is, to not hear back from T`s..but normally those sharings (we regret the most at first) end up being very fruitful. Keep writing as much as you need to, here as well. Hope others can offor more helpful thought here. I just wanted to let you know i read your poster and i hear you, and i feel for you. ps: I think you sound like a great mother, so concerned for your son all the time. really.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Frog, than you so much for replying. And that was a good "catch" you made (the part you quoted back to me). You are correct... I did NOT leave him... HE left me and in such a traumatic and horrible way. I would never have behaved in such a way because I would never have wanted to hurt him. The problem seems that he put himself first and his feelings first and I would not do that to someone I cared about.

I'm still sitting and waiting to hear from newT. I know he's in his office but I guess he is busy with clients. OldT was not so busy and I was spoiled by getting responses more quickly and in being able to see him more often. It's hard to be struggling so much and unable to get an appointment with newT. I have learned a lot about patience and waiting during this crisis.

Thanks, Froggie for your wonderful support. And btw, your English is fabulous.

Hug
TN
J jillMember
TN, this is a tough time of year. alot of pressure to be 'merry', and it appears everyone else is...but, they are not.

Freud's quote, about therapy (pa) was so telling, i think, of the human condition....that the best therapy could offer was to deliver someone "from neurotic misery to ordinary human unhappiness". so, with that, i try to not get my hopes too high.

i keep thinking of my old t, too...t1. he was sweet (ish) during the holidays last year. i was so full of newly re-born faith...and it snowed. so this year, too, poses new challenges. dbt gal isn't too compassionate, and i am full of fond remembrances, when i thought t1 had the tools...

anyway.

"one day at a time" is the best way to handle them, TN. y'no?? that is all you can do!!

hang in there. hugs, jill
blackbirdblackbirdMember
(((((TN)))))

I can completely sympathise, the holidays are a totally miserable time fo year, where we are forced to put on a hppy face and pretend like we are jolly, yuck. It would be ok, if you didn't have to be so damn cheerful for your kids, eh? that's the part that hurts the most. What if I screw up the holidays for my kids? ohhhh, weirdo triggers for me...

Deck the halls with bottles of prozac, fa,la,la,la,la...

ugh. I'm not being very encouraging, am I? ohhh, I'm sorry TN. It's just I feel the same, only it's gotta be a heck of a lot worse for you since you are still suffering so much from what was done to you.

hug, TN,

BB
spagirlspagirlMember
I'd like to comment on your original post, but I'm afraid I don't understand. Are the feelings associated with the new therapist, or of past traumas, or of the old therapist?

All I can say about the holiday is that it's just a day. You can make it what you want. I, too, hate this forced "you must celebrate this day in this way". Take Thanksgiving, for example. Who says we have to do give thanks then? Don't I know when to give thanks and when to dine with my family? Yeah, I do.

Just take a deep breath and know that it's YOUR DAY, nothing more. If you want to celebrate it traditionally with your son, that could be a place of joy for you - watching his happy face. You're not obligated to be anything other than what you are, right then. Be happy. Be sad. It's just a day.

.

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