yaku - I think it's sorta a compliment, but not an insult... it's just... information? My T has made a comment along similar lines (but not exactly the same) before - as the first in all of her years blah blah blah. I think it's okay to be how ever you are; I guess it is sorta "disclose-y" I mean depending on the person that may re-enforce certain behaviors but it doesn't really sound like the comment could elicit that because it seems to me to tend more to positive behaviors. It's good to sort out how you feel and... like always a good thing to bring up in therapy also if you need clarification. There is no "should" about it necessarily... like you should take it at face value or should feel something or should move on. You can only deal with what is.... which is you're thinking about it no certain way you have to be - be what is and work with what comes up from that. I give my Ts a thoroughly hard time for the stuff they say and it hasn't scared them off yet

I read it as complimentary because he's saying that despite facing the most challenging issues he's dealt with, you work with him in an easy and delightful manner. I wouldn't mind hearing that!

But if it bothers you, then I would definitely bring it up again. My P said something early on in my therapy with him that I took the wrong way and I let it bother me for a long time. I finally got the nerve to mention it again and once he clarified what he meant, I then realized it had actually been a compliment, not a criticism or judgment.

Yaku, I don't think your T would be doing what he does if he didn't like a challenge. So I actually think his statement was a double positive. He likes the challenge aspect of working with you, AND he likes your delightful personality (come on, we all see that!) and courage and persistence and many other great qualities that make you fun to work with.

Maybe you need to hear it a bit as not a compliment though because too much positive might make it overwhelming?

Cat - You're right. I really don't need to do anything with it. But if it's coming up for me, it doesn't hurt to talk through it either. I sometimes get stuck in my head way too much. No, I think the disclose-y part was positively, rather than negatively, reinforcing. My assumption is he is talking about my getting better at identifying my projections/transference reactions and while I still have them, being open and increasingly aware about them when they come up.

Summer - Yeah, I know HE meant it as entirely complimentary. I don't really hear it as him saying, "Ugh, you are such a pain." I was hearing it more like, "Wow, you are SUPER broken, but at least you're not a total pain in the @$$ about it." My broken hearing.

BLT -

quote:

Maybe you need to hear it a bit as not a compliment though because too much positive might make it overwhelming?

That's really interesting. You might actually have something there. Even your "come on, we all see that!" made me go, "Ahhhh!" like I was being stabbed, LOL. Like, somehow I had fished for a compliment and now I'm bad or something. You're probably right from his perspective, it's probably a double-positive. H has said before that he thinks I'm like a pet project or something, which also kind of gives me icky feelings. Something about not supposed to be special, I guess. I always got noticed by teachers a lot as a kid in this same kind of way and it gave me kind of a panicked feeling (not that I didn't like being accomplished/succeeding, just the being noticed about it) then too. My mom is a performer professionally and I guess I tend to abhor praise and notice (especially if they are public), because I think it makes me similar to some of the things I don't like about her.

Well, that is probably too much analysis...

I will just go back to the part about him thinking I am easy to work with and a delight and sees how hard I'm trying and all that...

quote:

I really don't need to do anything with it. But if it's coming up for me, it doesn't hurt to talk through it either. I sometimes get stuck in my head way too much.

yaku - hopefully you didn't misunderstand me - I didn't mean you don't need to do anything with it I meant you don't need to decide what you should or shouldn't do....... and instead go with what's coming up (there are no "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts"), as you're saying here. I also suggested if it's coming up to talk to your T. Sorry if my initial reply was taken in a different manner than I intended.

Hey Yaku,

I could be completely wrong in this interpretation, but along with thinking of it as a supreme compliment (you know I've always loved your T), I think that his reasoning for including the challenging part is also to validate how hard all of this is on you. Wouldn't it hurt (or at least feel off) if he said you're the easiest client he's ever had? I think it would make me feel like I was overreacting or something, because the process feels so hard to me.

And no matter how wrong it feels, I think it would also take away my sense of meaningfulness to my T. I hate being "special," like you, but I also secretly, and not so secretly, want to feel special - much like everyone else in the world. So to be described as an easy client would feel like oh, what you say isn't that important because I already know the answer to your question before you even ask it!

I could be completely wrong, but that was just my first impression. And for what it's worth, you deserve to be noticed, and I'm glad your T realizes that.

Yaku, my T has said something very similar about me and he explained that I'm easy because I know so much about the process and therapy and also because I take so little from him and I have the ability to make something wonderful from it. He says he would like to see me start taking more from him!

The challenging part was because I was so wounded by another T and we had to deal with a lot of recent trauma before we could get to the past trauma of childhood. I'm also challenging again because I know and understand so much about psychology and how it should work (not all but a lot more than the average patient) and so I test him in different ways. We also started out in a much different way than he does with others. I was already in deep trauma and we had no "honeymoon" period. I was angry at him from the first day because he was not my oldT! Poor guy LOL.

Anyway, none of this bothers me and I take it all as something good. I think you should take what your T said as a huge compliment. I think he very much enjoys working with you. You are actually a VERY good patient and you need to realize that you are not a burden. I would hesitate to say you are special because I know it makes you feel uncomfortable but I do think that we are ALL special in some way to our Ts and we all have certain aspects within the relationship that makes our particular relationship with our Ts very unique.

Sending hugs
TN

To me it is a compliment, but I would have a really hard time processing it.

A similar thing is happening in therapy for me and I wonder whether - for both you and I - it is about how we hear that compliment and then how we process and sit with that compliment.

My T - a few weeks ago said she cared for me - and OMG has that triggered a month of terrible stuff in me that is ongoing. Instead of me taking a positive thing and filing it in the right place in my head and feeling the appropriate responses - I am super angry, acting out, pushing her away, verbally abusing her - the works. All because she is showing and telling me that she cares for me. Even as i write this - I am having body sensations and I am tearing up.

SD

(((Cat))) Thanks for clarifying.

(((TN))) (((kashley))) (((SD))) (((Butterfly)))

Thanks for replying you guys.

We did touch on this at the beginning of the session and my intuitive T already had a feeling I would be hung up on the whole challenging issue. I just kind of wanted him to speak to what the specific challenges were and the specific ways I was easy, but he wasn't biting on that, because I think he knows I have a tendency to "behave" better. So, he just sort of generalized again what he meant. That he doesn't have other clients that he works this intensely with (he mentioned the amount of time we spend specifically and the complexity of the number of different things going on at once). But, he reiterated (and said his emphasis was meant on) that I make it so easy. He said the comment itself was kind of a musing on the dichotomy of the challenge and the ease/delight (he keeps using that word) of working with me. And that the latter makes the former (really tough/challenging aspects) very doable for him. That I have really never, ever, ever, ever, even once been a burden to him in any way. That I was easy and a delight from week one. I guess that even when we are at our most difficult places (like when we have our ruptures), he can see me working to sift through the chaos and hang onto the connection. I am kind of adding in the feeling that I got from what he said, because he shied away from any specifics, like I said.

It felt good in a way, but also this kind of icky reminder of how much time it takes us both in each session and weekly to do this work. I mean, I literally might be like 1/5 or even more of his work. If you include the texting and reading journals (which he reads deeply and takes notes on, so we can discuss them in session), I wouldn't be surprised if it was 1/4. Having someone be that patient with you is touching. It's a beautiful gift. But, it's a terrible risk to let someone give you something like that.

I am so glad that despite my wanting to know the ways I am challenging and the ways I am easy, he kept it general. Because, even the side note on the fact that I am a unique case in the length of sessions has me wanting to volunteer to cut down our session times...even though the amount of time we are doing now is keeping things so much safer. It's like I don't get to have things that make it better or easier for me.

Oh well, a lot for me to journal about and discuss with him on Friday, I guess. I do have to say that I'm blessed to have been directed to his care. He isn't perfect, but he is safe and steady and accepting and caring and for some reason also genuinely seems to like me, which is a much needed feeling from anyone who triggers these attachment feelings.

Yaku,

I love that your T already anticipated that his comment might have brought up some stuff. You're right - it is a risk to let someone give you so much, but he is the exactly *right* person to take that risk with, because he's the one that will help you establish new connections and relearn that not everyone is completely unsafe (something I still have yet to learn). Did his explanation help settle everything a bit?

I've always been so caught up in making sure that I'm an easy, totally undemanding client that I still haven't really asserted myself with T at all. We haven't had any ruptures, which seems good, but I don't think it is. Two people never completely agree all of the time and never see eye-to-eye week after week - so I know that it means I'm still holding back a lot. It doesn't mean work isn't getting done, but there's still parts of me that are afraid to come into the room. And you know I've always thought of your T as being very similar to mine (at least in their methods and ways of approaching things), so to see over and over how wonderful your T is with you, even in the rough patches, gives me some confidence when it comes to trying to bring more of myself into the room.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for continuing to share, and I hope that T's comment isn't still bringing up anything negative, because I know that's the last thing T intended or would ever want.