I trust my T but still have trouble trusting him completely sometimes. For instance, a couple of years ago before he was comfortable with my dependency, he told me that something could happen and he might have to miss and session and I'd have to cope. Then he said, "for example, this past week, I was sick and worked only until 5:30 every day. I had to cancel all my evening sessions." I asked him how he was feeling and he kind of coughed and said, oh, much better, thanks.

Some time later, under T's desk, I saw a pink gift bag with pink tissue paper sticking out. My first thought was, "wow, T sure knows how to make a beautiful gift bag." I don't know why this next thought popped into my head and it was actually months later, I thought, Oh, I wonder if that was a gift for T and not the other way around. So I decided his daughter must have had a baby girl.

Then I thought back to the week he said he was sick. Maybe that was the week she had the baby and he just left early to visit her in the hospital. I decided that's what it must have been.

So, other than that I think way too much, I'm trying to tease this apart. I can respect T's right to his privacy but, if it's true - that he lied - I have several strong emotional reactions. It actually makes me sick to think that he would lie to me expecting me to believe it, as if I was an idiot. Or as if I was a child and couldn't be told the truth. It feels like someone trying to take advantage of me. I know that's not the reason he lied (if he did) but that is how it feels to a part of me.

And then of think of it from his side. I just couldn't imagine being in a profession in which I had to lie. I don't know how he can do it. Well, I don't know if he did it but if he did.

The problem is, that this has been nagging at me for years because it undermines my trust in him. He is also not big on disclosure so I never even thought to bring it up to him. It's just the kind of thing that goes on in my head. I could bring it up to him now as an example of what goes on in my head and why I don't trust him.

Maybe he was sick. Maybe he did bring the gift to give to the secretary for her granddaughter. Who knows?

I am also aware that my parents lied to me a lot. I can remember rolling my eyes to myself and thinking that they must think I'm stupid for believing what they had to dish out.

It's just all very difficult. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.