(((Gargyrle)))

Hi. We haven't spoken before. I read your post and didn't want to leave without saying something.

I'm sorry you've broken your foot. It must be really painful and lack of sleep has such an effect on everything else. Conflict is never easy but good on you for expressing some things that you aren't happy with. It seems like doing so has triggered some fear for you but I hope that your T is able to handle what you've said and help you to explore this in a positive way. I hope when you finally get to speak to her, it won't be as bad as you fear and some good comes out of it.

Lack of sleep is horrible. It makes everything much harder. Hope you feel better really soon.

Hello Gargyle,

I am new around here and don't believe I've spoken to you before, but like tygr, I also felt I couldn't read this without replying with something. . . just to let you know that you have been heard and I found your post very moving. I empathize with the pain, frustration, and fear.

Please hang on in there! Sometimes just hanging on to some small hope is enough for the moment-- hope that once you really can talk with your T about this she will respond better than you fear, or hope that you will feel better soon, even just hope that soon you will get a good night's sleep.

Please update and let us know how things go for you. You will be in my thoughts.

G, i pop in here very infrequently, so i know none of your story, but i felt your pain thru your title, and wanted to offer support.

i have done the same thing you did, not the foot, the t. and, i'll be honest, one couldn't handle it, but, one could...and the reality is, if you are like me, and from this one post about not handling conflict, etc. possibly? like me? conflict was 'not allowed out of you' (that is how it was at my house)...so i stuffed it all in, and am dealing with the fallout now. BUT, my point is...i, (we?) don't have the ability to handle this growing tension and strain, especially with that lack of sleep you had, to handle our emotions adeptly...THAT IS WHY WE ARE IN THERAPY!! so, they SHOULD know that, and they SHOULD respond KNOWING that. and not be personally, so as we could tell, wounded. i dunno. could you have imagined (projected) that she was snarly??

i know the apologizing all over the place, too. i relate.

but, we have to learn that we are, at times, rightly inclined to be angry about someone or something, and we just need to learn better how to not overreact internally, to soothe ourself, and to not overreact externally, but NOT to suppress it either. that is the balance that is so hard.

i am getting much better. but, without that being learnt as a child? without it being patterned? without an entitlement to be rightly angry without destroying the self or others?? we just haven't learned this stuff.

again...BUT, this...THIS is a great way of how it is learned in the moment in therapy. it stinks, it is hard, because it is REAL, and it HURTS, but, you can't read it in a book. you have to LIVE it, and i pray that your t is like my current one, and can stay steady (95%...he has faltered! :0) and ride this storm out for what it is...a learning opportunity for you to learn that you CAN'T destroy another with your anger. you can't destroy the relationship...that SOME relationships CAN withstand conflict...something I never learned at home.

good luck, ride it out, girl. calm yourself as best you can. this IS the process. this IS the therapy. unfortunately, it IS NOT EASY!!

xxoo jill

(((((gg)))))

I'm so sorry....

Mistakes (yes, including "huge/stupid" ones happen a lot in therapy... I've had a few doozys. If you and I knew how to handle life and relationships perfectly, especially when stressed and hurting and sleep deprived then we wouldn't be in therapy... (and I don't know anyone like that, therapy or not)

I don't think your t handles a lot well... but that's just me and my opinion... I can totally understand and relate to that fear of losing a t's support... and ts are supposed to help us through our "mistakes" and fears...

I'm so sorry gg - you didn't need this right now! Hang in there. try to be as kind to you as you can and know that whatever happens, you don't have to go throught it alone. We are totally here for you.

Many safe hugs

jane

P.s. ok, please excuse me for this momentary thread interupption...

Jill!!! good to see you pop your head in.

now back to the regularlly scheduled thread

Thanks everyone for the support.
I slept the afternoon away, and woke feeling not much better.

Alone, and sad. I am feeling pathetic with myself. I did try to reach out to a couple of friends, but no response.

I am the gyrle who cried wolf.....who now suffers alone.
My foot is a big part of the problem. I can't stand for long, so the dishes are piling up, and I haven't really been able to cook much.
I called my dad the other day, we don't have a very close relationship. I'm the middle child, second daughter, third kid in three years.....a rythm method oops baby to my very catholic parents. I was not the special daughter....not very important at all. Then two more came along and I was lost in the crowd.

Anyway,called my dad, was hoping to ask for a bit of help, re: perhaps some groceries, gas for my car.
I couldn't do it. Too much....and when I told him about my foot, he laughed.

I am feeling so very low right now....and things had been going well until about a week or so ago, and then this mess with my son, and then the foot. I feel like the universe is against me, and there is no hope right now.

Too many dark thoughts....I just can't take much more.
And now I fear that T hates me, and I just cry and cry about it. I don't know what to do anymore.
I need her so much, and I ruined everygthing. I just wanted her to love me.

I miss my mom.

((GG))

Hey GG - I do know your story. And you are following my crap path that I was on 2 weeks ago - mine ended up in the toilet as you know.

Sleep - I was doing 0 to 5 hours for 6 months. You CANNOT do this. I think this led to my psychotic break. You have to sleep. Believe me.

Emails in the early or mid hours of the morning - I am the QUEEN of that. As long as you can stay "stable, reflective and not get angry" - keep doing it - but wait and re-read them before sending. Angry emails to T's generally don't help us in the long run Man I will have regrets forever for what I wrote to mine.

T's only addressing part of the emails - Yep, been there done that also - then i would FOLLOW UP with an ANGRY email to T telling her I was angry with her for saying what she replied. God we got into a big problem over that, but we sorted it out - subsequently I would tell her the bits I needed answers to.

Your foot and pain - that is definitely not going to help - I can say that because I had a terrible and painful ankle injury - I wasn't depressed at the time and it still affected me badly. Having to rely on other people for help, just didn't sit with me. But at least with a cast or leg brace on - other people can SEE your injury - and society helps more. Accept any help.

I think my reasons for doing everything I did recently - apart from me substance abusing, SI, feeling way too many strong emotions and not knowing how to cope with them, sleep deprivation - I was pushing my T away from me so fast and so brutally - because I was feeling so attached to her. I was angry at her when I was actually angry at myself. Angry at myself for needing her so badly just to breathe, angry at letting myself get so close to another human being, angry at myself for being weak enough to need help in the first place - etc etc. I could go on and on, you get the message.

GG - you gotta ask your family for help again, you need them right now. You have to let T in - she has to know how bad you are at the moment. Try and explain yourself as best you can. She should be able to take this. Tell her your fears.

Go and reach out AGAIN to some more friends or the same friends again. You have to do it, you can't do this alone.

Not sure what else to suggest other than I am here for you - PM me. Sometimes I might not be able to say the right things to help you but I get what you are going through. When you PM - remember I am on the other side of the world and a few time zones away - so might not be able to respond timely, but I will.

You need to rest my friend.

Spent much of today in bed....resting, my foot and my mind. Unfortunately my mind doesn't rest well.

I spoke with T this morning, after I sent her a text to apologize, yet again. I was seriously afraid to answer the phone when she called. She had to call three times, then text me to plz answer before I took her call. I was afraid that she was angry with me. She wasn't. She was kind. It was nice, but the place I'm currenlty in, such darkness, it was hard accepting her kindness.

I am very afraid for myself these days, and I fear it may get worse. I am also afraid to tell her. She has mentioned calling the police in the past, and I cannot face that. I won't go to the hospital, I can't do that again. Not now, not ever again.
I just wish I could make everything right. I really try to do everything she tells me. I'm trying to grow. I just feel like such a failure so much of the time.
I am an adult here, and I feel like I can't take care of myself.

I'm so alone here. My son hasn't even called me all week, and I have a broken foot!!! I thought I had raised him better than that. <sigh>, feels like another failure.

I want to just stay in my bed forever, and quit everything right now. I don't have much left right now.....I wish my T was my mom. (I feel really lame saying that)

GG

I'm so pleased that you spoke to her and that she was kind. That's what you deserve. I don't think you made a mistake by expressing yourself.

You aren't a failure. I know I don't know you very well but it sounds like you're dealing with some very deep and powerful feelings right now and so it's not surprising that they're overwhelming you. Especially when you feel afraid and then all your fears crowd in and take over. Add that to the fact that you're in pain and haven't been sleeping properly, everything will be magnified.

I wish I could do something to make things better for you. You sound so sad and afraid. But you also sound like you can take care of yourself. I can hear your strength too. I've wished that my T could be my mum too. I think that's a very natural reaction to therapy.

Take care
xxx

Thanks Tygr!

I had a better day today. My dearest friend, who lives over an hour away, came today. SHe helped me do laundry, clean up a bit, and brought a few meals, as well as cholocate! She truly knows me!
SPending the day with her,just the two of us, here at the house was a treat for me. I then was invited to dinner at my brothers house, and had a truly lovely time. Teenage nieces, friends and good food. (it was nice to be taken care of)

I am exhausted now though....have to work in the morning. I am hoping for a quite day, with it being a holiday here.
Want to connect with T very much tonight. Will wait it out.....still worried about going back right now.

Thank again for all of the support and understanding. It truly does help get through some of the darker times.

GG

Way to go Geeg. You are sounding much more positive, I am so glad your friend came through and your brother. Your brother and his family sound awesome.

Hi GG.... you sound so much better. I think the key for you is to get out and socialize with others. It helps to normalize things and it's also very distracting. And as you say, it's nice to be taken care of once in awhile too. Both your friend and your brother and family sound wonderful. I so glad you have this great support and I do hope you make use of it more often. And maybe there could be others around you who could offer some of the same and help you through those rough spots. I know it's so hard to ask and even harder to accept sometimes.

Hope you had an easy day at work and that when you see your T you will come away feeling good.

TN

((SD))) (((TN)))
Thanks.
I do have some wonderful people in my life, it's just hard for me to stay so connected. My friend and my brother both live a bit away from me, and due to my financial situation I hate to use the gas to go and see them. I know that sounds lame, but I have to conserve where I can.
They were both so good to me this weekend, I am grateful for them in my life.

It's just so hard having to ask for this kind of help. For the mere necessities of life, like food. It's very, very humbling.

I went back and re-read the e-mail I sent to T, the reason for this whole thread.
I am so feaked out with myself about this. I feel like I sound like a freak, or a lunatic. It's a bit scary to be this needy with someone, this attached, to a person who really should not be that large in my life.
But the reality of it is that I do need her, and want her to be this large....it's all so confusing.

My current work schedule, and the injury to my foot is also preventing me from being out there among the living. I am working mid afternoon to mid-evening lately, which is not my favorite shift. Getting home after 8 seems like the day is all over.
With my foot, I'm not out there playing tennis, going for walks or runs, which I know would help my state of mind.
I feel trapped.
And now I am also worried about T. She didn't respond to a text yesterday. I never know if it's because she is out of cell phone range, jsut busy, or trying to "teach me a lesson" such as "back off". Her drawing those lines.....cutting me off.
I hate this feeling! Why the hell should it be like this, why do I care so much??
And yet, at this time, I am also so embarassed, and humiliated by that e-mail, I don't know when or if I can face her again. I keep screwing this up!

I want her to care so much about me, and it hurts that she doesn't.
I hate this person I have become.