I am so angry on your behalf right now. I'm so so sorry this happened and I totally understand how this is the worst way this could have taken place. Remember when I was going to have a back-up T and my T had recommended one and said we could meet sometime together and then without asking me sprung her on me at one of my sessions? I'm saying this to you because I know how hard it is to recover from that first experience with a new T going wrong. It is awful and left me with such a hopeless feeling when I had been really hopeful that it would work out. I hope that somehow you are able to work this out and meet with this T, but it is really unfortunate that you are starting with a rupture before even getting started. I would definitely discuss all of this with your T when she returns and ask her some really tough questions and also see if perhaps she could get that other T into her office and the three of you discuss what happened. I'm so sorry Seablue. This entire process of your T moving is hard enough without something like this. ((((hugs))))

((((((((((Seablue)))))))))

I don't think you are having a "pity party" at all. That new T really screwed up in a big way, both what she did, and how she handled it afterward. I am so, so sorry this happened, especially in the middle of such a painful transfer in the first place.

First impressions are extremely important to me, so I would totally understand if you decided to just write off this T and try to find another one. Then again, since she comes with your current T's recommendation, I could also understand if you decided to give her one more chance, but only after discussing what happened and how you felt about it, and after you have been reassured that she understands how important it is that this never happen again. Again, Seablue, I am so sorry you hit such a big bump in an already painful transition.

I also really understand the reaction of wanting to just "pull it all back inside and live my life without therapy" because I've felt that way several times, too. In this case, since you are still going to see your T for a little while yet, maybe you could just hold off pulling back in entirely until you talk to your T one more time?

Please let us know what you decide, and how it goes.

Hugs to you,
SG

Seablue, I am afraid that I have learnt that first impressions count for loads. REally. So be VERY careful about going back to this new woman. She forgot you for heaven's sake.
and you NEED someone who really cares about you at the moment.
If it were me I would need a lot more grovelling from her side to get me back and then for her to be super good for me to continue.
I was only left waiting once with my current sweet P and they had to stop me leaving by phoning him and telling him I was actually going out the door. He was so apologetic that session and the next session and has NEVER done it since.
I am sending you hugs and you have every rational right to feel [LIST]

1. upset

2. like you don't matter (you did not, at that time

3.angry

4. overlooked

really feeling for you and I am so glad you posted here so that we can feel outraged with you

SB I am so so sorry that you had to endure such a painful experience. I think your reaction was absolutely appropriate and understandable. I am pretty outraged at her behavior, especially with a new client. Even when my oldT who could never keep track of time would be late he would pop his head out and say "be with you in a minute" and not just leave the person wondering if they were forgotten. What she did was inexcusable. And her staff added to it by not even being aware of what time her appointment was? I would have been furious!

I know the fear and difficult and the horrible pain in going to see a new T. It's scary enough when it's YOUR choice to see someone new but when you are being forced into it by circumstances then it requires a huge amount of courage to do this and you are already so raw from the pain you need extra consideration. Honestly, I would find it hard to trust her after this. And I think you have every right to look for someone else on your own unless she grovels enough to soothe your fears at this point. This does not say much for her boundaries, her sense of time, her respect for patients, etc. I think your current T will be horrified to hear how this went as she wants the best for you.

I will tell you that my oldT pushed me toward a new T (who was "D") for some reason that I could never figure out. She didn't even seem interested in my issues and I got no feeling that she felt she could help me at all. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why the heck he wanted me to work with her when HE was doing a much better job with me and we had the solid relationship already in place (or at least "I" thought so). I finally came to the conclusion that he pushed me on her because it was more comfortable for HIM that I work with her because he was not threatened by her knowing about the work HE did with me. It was all about him. She had no clue about or comfort with attachment issues. After spending a ton of money and seeing her over 10 sessions I left and searched on my own for a new T. I found my current wonderful amazing T on my own. And my new T said that he has the utmost respect for me because what I had been through in the process of searching for a new T. He was very respectful of the time with me and with maintaining the utmost consistency and reliability because of the pain I was in (and some other things that don't apply here because I was betrayed).

I guess you need to have a serious talk with your T about what happened. You had a right to be treated with the utmost respect and consideration and that T really really blew it. But remember... you did nothing wrong and you DO deserve a good T and you will find one. It's just that sometimes the road is not so straight in getting there.

Hugs to you. thank you for sharing this with us and allowing us to comfort you.

TN

((((((seablue))))))))

I'm so sorry. I would feel so invalidated and hurt by something like that, especially as a new client. My T routinely runs over, so I am used to him being 5-15 minutes late for my appointment, but before we had established our connection, he was always on time. Still, with phone sessions for example, I start panicking about him forgetting me and wondering what I will do if he has.

((((Seablue))))

I am so sorry for the way that this T handled the situation and understand how painful this must have been for you during this already painful time. Her behaviour was unaceptable and insensitive whether she knew of your situation or not.

I understand the need to 'pull it all back inside' and I really hope that you are able to talk to your T about these feelings and how you experienced this new T. I agree with the others, it sounds like this new T has some serious grovelling to do in order for you to feel safe with her.

Sending you hugs
Butterfly

Seablue,
I don't have much to add since everyone else has covered it, but I am SO sorry. You really didn't need to deal with this on top of everything else. This was a pretty bone headed move on the part of the T. I'm sorry it hurts so much. (((((SB)))))

AG

Seablue, I am so sorry that happened. I have been in that position before and it is probably one of the most torturous experiences I have felt.

I think you've gotten some great input here, and I agree with Sadly and SG - First impressions are a HUGE deal, and though this T did come with your current T's recommendation, this new T has a lot to make up for already. To me it is a red flag that she "forgot" she had a client scheduled in a new time slot. I would have thought it would be the opposite - being hyper-vigilant knowing you have a new client, you'd be even more aware of the time.

Everyone has given you great insight, so I am just going to give you a big hug and hope that you can talk this over with your T and things work out for the best.

(((((Seablue)))))

STRM, I do remember when your T brought back-up T into a session without checking it out with you first.
I will be talking to my T about about what happened. I know she is on vacation but I really am surprised and getting a bit angry that she hasn't called or emailed about it. I would think the other T would have called her so I'm guessing she knows. I know I am jumping to conslusions, but that's what I do when I am hurt.

My T will be back in town tomorrow and will text me to let me know, and I am guessing she will offer a phone check-in on Wednesday. I don't think I want one. My appoitment is Friday. I feeling physically beaten down from this and also am feeling a deep physiological need to be with her. Hate those conflicting feelings - guess it's the child and the adult battling it out.

I initially thought I could think about giving it another shot but I really don't know if I can. Like you said, it's difficult enough to deal with a rupture, but to start off with one.....ish.
Thank you for your support, (((STRM)))


SG,
Thank you for offering your support. I will continue to see my T....I guess assuming she will get how huge this situation was for me. We will see on Friday. I don't know whether I will give the "new" T another chance. I am feeling too vulnerable right now. I think I need to set it settle and talk to my T. I really appreciate your support SG....thank you.

Sadly,
Thank you for your validation of my feelings. I appreciate the "permission" to feel everything I am feeling.

deepfried,
Thank you for your response. Honestly, it still shocks me that she completely forgot about me....I was listening to her laugh with her client for 20 MINUTES before leaving. I still have no idea how long she went over with her...did she give this person an extra hour???? Did she at any point remember my appt or was it hours later??? grrrr.
Thanks, DF.

TN,
Thank you for your kindness. I really hate that I have been put in a position to have to find another T and now this situation only complicates an already painful reality. I need some time to feel this before I make any decisions.

Part of me does want to give her another chance because she knows my T and it will help me feel still connected to her after she moves. But, I can't be forgotten, I can't listen to my T laughing with other clients, and I don't know if I could really ever trust someone who did this to me.

I know you went through so much with oldT (ASS). I will give some thought to what you said about oldT having his own motives for the T he tried to refer you to. That makes me so sad.
Thank you, TN

yakusoko,
Thanks for your support. What complicates this situation more is that my T actually forgot a phone check-in with me once. This situation is bringing that back for me, too. I really think all Ts stink right now. I really get that before the phone call panic... I am glad though that you have not experienced him forgetting you.

I appreciate your support....thank you.

Butterfly,
You are definitely right. I can't imagine doing this to someone, regardless of their situation. I really hate that part of me feels guilty for being upset and angry because I know how horrible it would feel to have done this to someone. I know I need to take care of myself, not her....but these things come up.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, Butterfly.

AG,
Thank you for the support. It really was bone-headed, wasn't it!!??

Room2Grow,
I agree that it would make sense for the "new" T to be hyper-vigilant about making sure she was on the ball with a client in my situation and especially after telling my T that she would take good care of me. Definite red flag.

Thank you for offering your support to me, R2G!


We will see what happens when I see my T on Friday. Seems so far away still.

It is so strange to me that it seems when something happens to disrupt things, another thing comes along shortly after. Like something/someone is telling me....oh just in case you didn't get the message that you are unworthy, here you go....THIS should drive it home. Does anyone else experience this or is it my negativity?

Thanks all!!!! You are all wonderful!!!!

(((SB)))

How unprofessional of her. I'm sorry you experienced that. Although you are hurting, I see this as a good thing because you know right off the bat that this is NOT the right T for you. In a way, its fortunate that this happened on a first meeting so that you don't waste any of your time, money, or emotional energy on an unreliable T.

However, I know that it hurts to be overlooked and feel that you were forgotten about and I am sorry that you are left feeling this way.

Thanks, LG.

(((SB)))

So sorry you had to experience what you did with the new T. Not a good first impression.

However, I think since your T thinks she is so good that if you can manage to see her and give her a try, things might be better than you think! Every T is SO different, and sometimes that is hard for us to keep in mind, as we get pretty comfortable with what we are used to with our current Ts, but the new lady might be really, really good. Just my 2 cents.

Sorry you are hurting, SB, an having to deal with finding a new T in the first place.

Hugs,
MTF

MTF, Good to see you. Thank you for your support.

I think I have decided that I will at least meet the T at some point, but not before processing everything I am feeling with my T. My pattern has been to either run away or supress my own feelings and forgive out of embarrassment for my feelings and also for fear of hurting the other person with my feelings.

I am beginning to see that this will be a valuable experience even though it is very unpleasant. The way I handle it will be good practice for the real world on how to do healthy relationships and maintain healthy boundaries that are not at extremes.

I feel like I need to at least allow my feelings about what happened and notice what they are. Seems simple, but really difficult when I am upset. *breathing*

I really appreicate everyone's support through this!!
seablue