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21 replies

Hurting a lot

room2growroom2growCo-moderator
So today was the day of the doctor. I had two appointments for two different procedures. My T and I spoke talked this week about how this is actually a big deal, and no amount of joking around will change that.

The first procedure was a simple CT - shouldn't be a big deal, right? Wrong. It took FOUR attempts before they could get the line in to run the contrast. I was poked FOUR times. Twice in each arm. Once in the crook of each arm, and once in each forearm. And it hurt. A lot. A really really lot. I won't go into detail, but it flummoxed both of the techs, my rotten veins, and I know that had someone been there with me, I would have been bawling from the physical pain. Since I was alone, I maintained the strong front.

It doesn't really get worse, but it got no easier. The second procedure involved inserting a probe with a camera into my bladder. Sucked big time. I wanted to cry, but of course, I didn't.

I wanted to cry for the pain the tests caused, for my arms that have already turned blue and black with bruising from the needles, for the fact that my T was right, and today was a bigger day than I let on. I just wanted to cry.

Going at it alone wasn't all that fun. I know, though, that I wouldn't have been able to stay strong if I had someone there with me, I would have been in tears while they were digging around in my veins. While I didn't like the pain, I didn't cry throughout any of the procedures today. I didn't like it, it hurt, but I dealt with it.

I'm realizing, sadly, that going at life alone has made me *seem* stronger. That isn't necessarily a good thing, putting on that brave face and using humor to cut the pain keeps it buried. When I actually start to feel - the hurt, the frustration, the sorrow - it is magnified that much more. Maybe that is why I don't like to see this stuff as "big" as it is - because there is no one to comfort me when I need comforting, no one but me, and I am so not good at self-comforting yet. Keeping things light and small keeps me safe from myself. But it still hurts.

Thanks for listening, I just needed to whine a bit, I suppose, and am really glad to have this forum right now.
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J janedoeMember
((((((R2G))))))

I have had both of those done, and without a vein problem, and wow, it's rough! You had BOTH on the same day? those IV sticks hurt - you had to do it 4 times? ouchy.

I really understand a lot about doing things alone... it hurts. a lot. I put on the brave front too, and inside, it's very different.

I hope you get some good rest tonight from it all.

lots of safe gentle hugs to you,
~ jd
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
R2G,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through those painful procedures alone. I hate IV's and at times have cried while having one placed because it hurt so much. I understand how using humor and trying to keep things light can help dull the pain. I use that a lot myself. In the past you had to be alone when facing the hard stuff, but you don't have to be alone now. We are all here for you and I'm sure that your T wouldn't want you facing these feelings alone either.

(((hugs)))
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
((((Jane)))) ((((STRM)))) ((((Yaku)))) ((((LG))))

Thanks everyone, I'm letting myself lean on you all tonight. I can't seem to stop the tears right now, and just left a tearful message on my T's voicemail. Never done that before (the tearful message part) I'm hoping the sleeping pill I just took kicks in soon, cause I want to sleep away the rest of today and try to forget it happened.
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
quote:
It's really hard when that's what you've had to do to survive to learn and be comfortable managing fear, and difficult situations in a new way.
Exactly DF - relearning is going to be very challenging, as I've had 30+ years to learn how to stay strong, even if (as monte said) I'm crumbling inside.

This all just sucks. Both of my arms look like someone beat me. I actually hope the weather stays cool for a week or so, that will make wearing long sleeves a lot more acceptable.

I know that the arrangement my T and I have is that I can leave messages whenever and we will talk about it in session. Just this once, I wish she'd deviate from the boundaries and leave me a voicemail so I can replay her voice over and over and over...
pfpfMember
Doesn't T even call you when she notices you are hurting and need her? Rough!!

I'm so, so sorry about the medical stuff you had going on. I know how hard it is to realize that being alone and not show your feelings actually help you sometimes. I'm also very familiar with the feeling of being alone and not knowing where to turn when you're overwhelmed by emotions. It's something I used to struggle alot with at the beginning of therapy. It's you who has to deal with everything and it makes it so much harder when you have nobody to lean against and no idea how to comfort yourself.
But we are here for you at least.

I've had bruised arms before but from taking blood where I had to be poked numerous times and she always somehow missed the vein. You just have to wait for it to go away I guess.
Sigh.... hugs to you dear!!
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Thanks for the ((((Frosty)))) The deal is that if I want my T to call me back, I must ask for that when I leave a message. Which I can't. At least not yet.

I had major childhood trauma around needles/bloodwork/hospitals. Since we've been doing some trauma work, I think that is what made yesterday even worse, and is what is making me panic each time I look at my arms right now. Most of the time my veins actually collapse when the needle hits them. Talk about collapsing into protective mode Frowner
pfpfMember
Oh, I see. That is a tough one, I couldn't ask for a call back either Frowner poor you. But try to call if you really need her!

I'm sorry about your trauma! I also hate hospitals and everything related to it. And working on it in therapy may very well have made it worse.
If it helps at all, I managed to take that nasty spray for my throat a couple of times now and it's a pretty big trigger for me as well. We can do it together. I spray, you avoid looking at your arms Smiler
yakusokuyakusokuMember
Still thinking of you this morning. Remembering all the times people can't find a good vein on me and how horrible it is. I came out of my daughter's birth pretty black and blue from that. Frowner (((more gentle hugs)))

I am so used to doing the "walk it off" thing and being tough in the face of things that even though I could have support in pain, I never allow myself to receive it. Just now realizing that T is breaking that in me, and that is a tender feeling. Tender in two ways, both in learning to receive his care (so comforting) and like having a bruise repeatedly pressed on when I realize that I've never really taken in that comfort before, despite having people in my life who might have offered it, because my childhood made me afraid to want it and be rejected (which is worse than not being willing to receive it within yourself)...it feels like I am exercising a muscle that has completely atrophied and I'm so sore after even minimal movement.

I don't know if you can relate to these feelings at all, but you kept popping in my mind this morning and I wanted to let you know. Take care of you! Thoughts and prayers and hugs coming your way.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Aw, R2G, I'm so sorry you had to face all of that alone. I am so sorry about all the bruising. That's really hard. I hate facing medical procedures alone without support, it also makes me want to cry, only I don't always manage to stay strong like you, and that can get embarrassing, as coping with trying to hide the tears is sometimes more challenging than the tests or exams were. I always wish my H would come with me to such things. There is something about it that brings out such a helpless and vulnerable feeling, and sometimes it feels scary like I am going to lose it. I hope the docs and nurses were kind to you. In a way I'm glad that you were able to stay strong- it's not a great thing to show that vulnerability to strangers who do not love you. I've learned that it is better to keep that inside if it's possible, and show it only to someone you trust to take care of you and not disrespect or mock you in subtle ways for it.

Love, gentle hugs,

BB

((((R2G))))))
S sadlyMember
It just sounds so triggering and painful and it would of course have most of us feeling vulnerable and hurting. I send you hugs. I wanted to send you a huggy icon like marsh did but don't know how to.
(((((R2G))))

I am hoping you can have a session with your T saying how all this felt, but it would also be very helpful now to ring your T and say 'please call me back' even though that is so hard. Once or twice I have actually got someone else to phone his office and ask him to call me. That is how hard it is for me too. So I understand.But now sounds like a good time to ask for a phone call.

Any of us would feel terrible going through that doctor's appointment.

more hugs S
starfishstarfishMember
R2G

I am so sorry that you had to face all that alone, but am proud of your strength and fortitude that got you through. All those things you had were painful enough in themselves, but so triggering for you when you have had childhood memories around the same medical issues.

I am pleased you reached out to your T, when is your next session R2G?

starfish
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
(((BB))) (((Sadly))) (((Yaku))) (((Starfish)))

I have very few friends, to the point where I never know who to put as my "in case of emergency" contact at work and at doctor's appointments. Yesterday, I was blessed to share lunch with my only friend my age, and dinner with one of my mentors. Between the two of them and all of you, I survived a rough day.

I took a HUGE dose of my sleeping pill - probably too much (I usually take 5mg, last night I took 20mg) and I slept until 11am today. I must have needed more, because I was up for about an hour, and took a two hour nap. I get to see my T tomorrow evening, 25 hours from now to be exact.

I honestly did want to talk to her, just to have the comfort of hearing her voice (her picture alone isn't as helpful as it was before) but I don't have the courage to ask her to call back yet. I know she would if I asked, but I wasn't desperate enough to ask, I suppose. Just leaving her the message, though, was very helpful, as I'm learning it generally is. At least I know that is one tool I have in my pocket - leaving her messages - which is helpful.

It has been so challenging lately, because we have been digging through so many things from my childhood, and while we process them, it makes some of the day-to-day tasks surprisingly harder than they should be. I never thought I'd be the person who dissolves into tears and has a panic attack sneak up on her at the slightest things, but that's where I am. And while working through these medical challenges, and going through medication adjustments - I am a lot rawer than I thought.

I look forward to the day when I don't wish to have daily sessions with my T, and can survive on a once a week visit Frowner
S sadlyMember
quote:
It has been so challenging lately, because we have been digging through so many things from my childhood, and while we process them, it makes some of the day-to-day tasks surprisingly harder than they should be. I never thought I'd be the person who dissolves into tears and has a panic attack sneak up on her at the slightest things, but that's where I am.



Join the gang. I could have written your paragraph above. Is there any consolation in the fact that you are not alone in this?

Personally I think you may/could look back and think: my goodness that weekend was awful, why on earth didn't I phone her? Why can't I see when it is a really really bad time and be kind to myself and ask my T to phone back? but that is just me. I tend to look back and think " Why did I always feel that I have to keep going?"

I think it is the childhood stuff that knocks us for six because we get in touch with really raw and primitive feelings, like a small child has and they are powerful and real and true and need attention NOW. So it makes daily life very tough going.

Thinking of you.
seablueseablueMember
R2G,
I am sorry you are feeling so alone. You are facing some difficult things and any one of them by themselves would be upseting to me. Frowner Be gentle with yourself.

quote:
I honestly did want to talk to her, just to have the comfort of hearing her voice (her picture alone isn't as helpful as it was before) but I don't have the courage to ask her to call back yet.


Can you allow yourself to lean on your T while things are feeling this hard? I know you can't call her constantly (I am guessing anyway), but do you think contacting her before you are so low could help you stay out of that place? I don't know how it is for you, but I have found that when I wait until I am too low, it is nearly impossible to call and if I somehow manage to do it, it doesn't feel as useful because I have gotten myself worked up to the point where I can't talk, can't figure out what I need or what to ask T for.

I am glad you are posting and are getting some support here from people who understand at least some of what you are going through. It won't always feel this hard, but I know that doesn't help right now. Right now it hurts. Frowner
sea
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
quote:
I could have written your paragraph above. Is there any consolation in the fact that you are not alone in this?

Actually, Sadly, it does help knowing I'm not alone. It's especially helpful when I'm thinking with my brain and not my heart, which lately, I have been doing more heart-thinking than brain-thinking, which always gets me in trouble, at least in the immediate, though I know it's better in the long run...

Seablue, I don't know why it is so hard to ask for her to call me back. I wish I could bring that up in session. Today, at least I jumped right into the topic of the message I left her on Friday. We problem solved a bit, but I still couldn't bring up the fact that I am beyond needing her picture, I now need a way to hold on to her voice. I don't know how to ask for that, and it's frustrating me.

The ultimate goal of this therapy is for me to better be able to take care of myself, and to move forward into a productive life, filled with more happy moments than depressing ones. Right now though, I want therapy with my T, as often as possible. Keeping the goal of being able to be able to survive and thrive without her in mind, of course, and I do look forward to that moment. But seriously, right now, I can't function without her. And that scares me almost as much as the medical procedures I had on Friday.

A big moment today was when I realized that part of my resistance to allowing myself to rely on others is the fact that I don't want to disappoint anyone. I spent my whole life disappointing my family, and in turn, myself, and I can't bear the idea of doing that to anyone else. It hurts too much. Unfortunately, I realized this once I got home, and cried on the couch for a little while. It has been one of those evenings where I really wish I had T 4 days a week so I don't have to hold on to that until my next session!

This is so much more confusing and complicated than I thought. Frowner

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