The bad news is you carry on and it gets worse before it gets better. The good news is: at least you ARE attached.

I miss my therapist so much in between sessions, which are once a week, that it feels my heart is gnawing itself apart. Truly. and I feel sick. Yet, what choice to I have at this point? I wish hard for a miracle. to feel that someone cares about me deeply in a sort of parent to child sort of way, (cos I have a lovely husband) and that they will stay in my life. It is not going to be the therapist, but I want it to much and he knows I want it so much. so yes, it is a very painful place but it is a place many of us know. I try to fight it nearly every other day, but you are right, it DOES get worse if you fight it.

Hi Megan,

I understand your frustration with the attachment situation. I was there too. It is not fun, especially for someone who prides herself on being so darn independent!

What I learned through the process is that at least for me, I needed to be attached to my T, even though I resisted it for like 5 months. I didn't want to become so dependent on her. I hated that I was counting the days until my next session. It drove me nuts that I needed her so much. I too, wanted to bolt several times when I feared I was getting to attached, and she was getting too close to my heart.

I was (and still am, kind of) not used to relying on anyone, because every time I did, every time I let myself get attached to someone or anything even close to letting anyone "in" to know me, I'd end up getting hurt. It happened a lot until I woke to the fact that if I stopped needing people, then people wouldn't hurt me. I was and still am fiercely independent, and "needing" someone, especially a T, was not for me.

What my T has shown me, and continues to show me over and over, is that it is OK to need someone. We are social beings, we need others in our lives! We need to connect to others, socially and emotionally. For those of us that haven't, it makes that connection so freaking hard! My T used to tell me, and still reminds me occasionally, that it's ok for me to need her. It's ok for me to miss her between sessions or if she's out of town. That's what has helped me learn to fully trust her which has really been a huge support in my therapy.

Before I finally stopped resisting the attachment, I was never fully honest with her, and we only were able to do so much work. Now, there really is nothing I can't discuss with her (though there are many topics I still haven't broached, just cause I can't handle them yet, even though I know T can!) She's helped me see that I am worth getting to know. That I'm not too much for her. And that she'll be there no matter what, within the context of the therapeutic relationship.

I think, too, for me it's those boundaries in the therapeutic relationship that keep it so safe, and make being attached to my T ok. I know the "rules" so to say, and while I've tested them several times, T has never gotten mad, has always remained steady, and has worked with me to find a good balance if I don't agree with one of the rules. We've always found something that works for both of us. And I can now confidently say that I am attached to my T, I need her a lot these days, and that's ok.

Hugs to you Megan, and good luck on your journey!

Hi sadly and room2grow - I resonate so much with what you say, and can hear you understand the pain I'm going through. The counting of days. I'm allowed to email her as much as I want and she always responds, even if it's just once a day to say Hi and that she is there... but at the end of my last session, while we were making the next appointment she only then told me that she is on offical leave now. She has offred for me still to see her were she can once a week through the holidays and still to email, but asked in a very unappropriate tone to keep it to once a day. That actually hurt. I emailed her and asked her why she waited till I was about to leave to tell me all this, when she knows how I feel.. She hasn't replied yet.

I am going through the darkest time of my life right now - have lost everything and marraige is in trouble and also trying to deal with multipule past traumas (LOTS OF THEM). I cant even work because i have isolated myself to my room. And I dont want to move.

I have a good t, but this is getting too much for me! and I feel like a burden to her and that she thinks we aren't getting anywhere. maybe I cant be fix???

Hi Megan, I know exactly how you feel about this attachment. My attachment to my T tends to get more needy when I'm going through some personal stuff at home. For some reason, the attachment has loosened and I fear its because I have employed my own distrust onto her and I am now distancing myself. I'm unsure..

I worry too, about getting too close and being in the depths of it. I guess we have to simply follow the advice of what others have gone through and, well, go through it.

Hugs to you. Im sorry I cannot offer any consolation. But here if you need to speak and vent. xx

I'm just really not coping so well and have thoughts that I shouldn't be having - which is textbook for borderline. I don't even feel like christmas this year or celebrating new years. I just want to hide away until she returns and things go back to normal. It's very selfish of me and that's what makes it even more frustrating, knowing I am burdening her.

Its not selfish hon. I know those thoughts. Its a result of everything compressed into one and letting it out onto another person, who for once, cares about you in the right way.

Its not selfish. I have BPD tendancies. I quit moving to university just to be near my T because I started becoming suicidal, self harm, major depression.

Never doubt the pain you feel. I know its hard and cringing maybe. She'll understand. Big hugs to you.

I too have had to admit to myself that I have attached to my T. I never would have thought that possible. I am very independent and have never needed anyone - or so I thought. My T is great but she is not an attachment therapist and doesn't allow emails or calls, so I really find myself counting the days between weeks. I understand the pain during the holidays especially. (((Megan))) I hope you feel better.

You guys are great and I am so glad that I came across this forum. Therapy isn't easy and sometimes I wish that I never started. I really need my t and that is a horrible feeling to have as there are so many boundaries in place - it's those that hurt

megan, so often I wish I had never started therapy. While thick walls of defense didn't allow me to trust or feel whole, they at least help keep the pain away. Now, on this journey for a year, I know there's no turning back because I've already cracked the walls. Onward we march because we know there's more joy and wholeness for us in this life.

quote:

I really need my t and that is a horrible feeling to have as there are so many boundaries in place - it's those that hurt

My psychologist is very upfront with me at the moment. He says that he knows what he gives me (1 1/2 hr session each Friday morning and usually a one hour phonecall Tuesday) is not enough. In the sense what I actually genuinely need and want is a daddy figure who loves me deeply and is genuinely THERE for me loving me and feeling I am deeply precious. And he wishes he could find someone who would be there in that way for me. AT the same time he admits the pain of that loss, of not having what I want, he tries so hard to meet me in ways that can help. this week I have the funeral of my dearest friend (tomorrow) and worse I am conducting it. So my P said he would phone me each day this week. He has never offered that before. I think he believes that the pain brought up by having someone be caring, is such a deep pain/need/want that it is almost cruel, and so he does indeed try to alleviate it whilst reassuring me that my acknowledging and feeling it, means that I will eventually grow beyond it. I am just glad he is experienced and knows how to handle someone as presently emotionally needy as me. He does not panic whilst at the same time saying very kindly that he is very very concerned about me at the moment. Which makes me feel he is caring.

Of course I want him to be there for me always and forever and not just once a week, because I did not have that as a kid. AT least we can talk about it and I can cry with him about it. That is some consolation, painful though it is. I am sure you can talk with your T about it. Mine always says it is okay to feel what I feel and to tell her, for that is how I feel and it reveals where and how I was hurt, but that he cannot always meet my needs and wants but he can care as best as he is able. And he does. Maybe yours does too. Some T's go on vacation and you cannot get ANY contact at all, so she is being generous and kind and thoughtful. But you want her there MORE. Of course you do. I understand. Perfectly normal when you are hurting and want someone to care about you deeply.

Sadly: So sorry to hear about your friend. That is very considerate of your P to be in contact with you. I do hope you get through this all with minimum trauma. Lots of hugs

I suppose I am just feeling very sorry for myself. It's been an aweful year and everyday is just a struggle to keep surviving and fighting, and the holiday has just really come at a very bad time. I'm wanting her to be the mother I never had and she does fit the profile for an hour a week - it's nice to know that, that hour is mine, away from all the hurt and pain, to feel safe and understood. It's the inbetween that I can't cope with - I'm NOT coping and don't know how I am going to gain control over my life, I'm falling apart - just watching myself fade away.

Hi Megan,
It hurts so much because as you move closer to your T, feelings that you have pushed away and denied are surfacing, as your T holds out the possibility of providing for unmet needs. Those needs are from childhood and when they are not met, they can cause a tremendous amount of unacknowledged pain since we push the pain away to keep our parents "good" so we stay near them.

I wrote a long post about these feelings and why we have them on my blog, so if you don't mind, I'm just going to put a link here. I hope this helps.

Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You're Crazy but You're Not

Bottom line, the most important thing is to keep going back to your therapist and talking about the feelings coming up, no matter how many times you need to do that. I won't lie, it's really painful to face these feelings, and can be terrifying beyond belief. But it's how you heal and can learn to have close, intimate relationships and move closer to people without all of this driving you away each time you allow yourself to get close.

And I do not think you are being selfish at all. I also do not want to pathologize your reaction by labeling it "borderline." The truth is that people who did not get what they need as children, and even worse, were actively abused, will have these kinds of reactions. In other words, you're not broken or sick, you're wounded. These feelings are a perfectly reasonable reaction to unreasonable circumstances.

But if we grew up in an environment where our normal, healthy needs were treated as an imposition or acting on those needs got us injured, then we learned to be deeply ashamed of our needs in an attempt to NOT express them and keep ourselves safe. We grow up, but we keep the shame. So when you see these feelings in the correct context, they make a lot more sense which in turn makes it easier for you to have more compassion for yourself. Which is what you clearly deserve.

AG

AG, I think that everybody here can deem you qualified to be a health coach or a counsellor. You always know what to say and hope that when you have problems, that there are others that can respond the way to you like you with us.

You hit the transfenrce issues, borderline, trauma and being actively abused, on the head. I've never been able to hope for any kind of relationship with anybody before - even though a forced relationship. I will ask my t what she thinks about transference issues and hear what she says. I have to deal with these issues to help understand the attachment to her. She does tend to avoid these kind of topics ans just says that I shouldn't read everything on the internet....

I need to feel again