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11 replies

I am FURIOUS with T right now!

V veryhopefulMember
I hate, hate, hate when this happens!! I'm the one going away this time for 5 days. I had a session yesterday and won't see T for 10 days; which, in my mind, is 10 years. He was so nonchalant about "me" leaving! I could barely look at him as I left the office. It is making me crazy mad that he's just fine with not seeing me for 10 days. Then I began to think.....hmmm...wait...oh yea, this is how it always felt when I was a kid and young adult. My parents didn't care if I came or went, ever. They never even noticed I was alive, and I do think this event has triggered a flood of deep-seated memories. I must be projecting those awful feelings onto him and I want him to "pay". I am trying to know he is NOT them. He is very loving and kind to me. I told him I am mad at him about the separation anxiety and he said awareness is good. I wanted to tell him to F off! I just remembered that he tells me I go straight to anger but it is really fear I don't want to feel. I am afraid I will never see him again and this feeling totally sucks. It is very painful. Jeez...just started to cry! My husband could never understand this. But I think a few of you guys know what I'm feeling. Any suggestions?
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ljbljbMember
Veryhopeful--I know what you are talking about and you are right. My husband would never understand this either! The only thing different is that my T does take an interest when I go away and he does tend to care about it. But, with my background, I just think, "Wow, he acts like he really cares." That's something different for me.
But, I have a very difficult time when he leaves. Even if he leaves because he's going for "training" in some modality, it is still hard. I always wonder if I'm ever going to see him again. I guess he won't be in next week due to another training. I can't stand it.
So, you probably are "projecting" your emotion onto your T. His reaction made me laugh, though. That's such T lingo...lol. Good luck sorting out your feelings of separation. Thinking of you!

For what it's worth,
LJB
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Very... you sound very much like me. Do you have outside contact with T? If so, then call him and tell him you are scared about leaving him and that you will miss him. Tell him your fear is making you angry and is there anything he can say to you to reassure you. Tell him you need to hear something calming.

You, as the adult, know you will see him again. But that little inside kid is terrified that she does not matter and that he will disappear while you are gone or she will disappear from his mind/heart. It's very scary for kids to leave the "parent".

If you cannot contact him then go back to any comforting emails/texts you have from him or if you have a picture or anything else that can help you to connect back to T and who he REALLY is.

I know it's hard but you WILL see him again in ten days. He will be there waiting and happy to see you again. Try to enjoy your time away.

Hugs
TN
V veryhopefulMember
Thank so much LJB and TN. I am able to email and call anytime. I did email him before telling him how I'm feeling. Yesterday we did talk about the kid not wanting to be away from the parent, but once the kid "gets to camp" she is fine. He knows I always miss him and now I am able to actually tell him that. He said "What's so bad about missing someone?" I was NEVER allowed to express any, zero, emotion in my formative years. We only learned anger and what I am feeling is fear. It is a relief to be able to let someone know they matter to you and yet I cannot stand the fact that he does matter to me. I've been trying to fight that since I met him. I guess it is that giant insecure attachment stuff; serious abandonment scars. I feel so weak sometimes. He also clarified that neediness is not a bad thing to feel or admit. Sometimes I just need to hear his voice to know he is "there". I was never allowed to feel, speak or share anything when I was young. This is all new to me and he is the best and that makes it more difficult because he is not "really" mine to keep. Sorry for rambling!
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi... Yes, he IS yours to keep. Your attachment is forever and he is part of you forever. You get to keep that. No one can take that away from you.

I am getting very suspicious that we have the same T LOL. Smiler Your T sounds so much like mine. he always tells me it's okay to miss someone. He told me yesterday that when I tell him that then it draws him in to me and makes him feel closer to me. That's a good thing.

I'm glad you contacted him and that you can. I know how just hearing their voice can regulate our nervous system. All of this that we are now doing in therapy feels new and strange because we could never do it before. I know you hate that he means so much to you because it makes you feel the power imbalance in the relationship. But if he proves consistent and trustworthy then hopefully those fears will lessen.

TN
V veryhopefulMember
TN, I think I will ask my T if he ever feels close to me....It never occurred to me that he would. How cool would that be! I matter to him....what a concept! BTW I am in the greater NYC area, so if you are too, maybe it's the same dude! Although, I do not like to share him.

Shhhhh...don't tell anyone but, I just drove by his office just to see his light on and his car before I go....I feel so ridiculous but it helped!

We actually spoke about how everything I have learned and gained from this experience, NO ONE can ever take it from me. It IS mine forever and that feels insanely amazing and I will be eternally grateful for him as my guide. Jeeez, I love him!! Yes, I really do!
E eikoMember
Wow!! I can't believe there are others that feel this way!! It's like a whole other crazy world here where people totally understand.
Very, I feel that way too. We'll be talking and when the session is over he'll just say, "Well our time's up, I'll walk you out." So far the best I've done at expressing it is I'll joke and ask why we can't go a little longer. He'll smile at most but that's it.

I wonder sometimes if because in all relationships, including parent/child ones, missing someone shows us that there's return attachment. If someone missed you it's a reassurance that they've been thinking of you while you were gone. I breaks my heart to even consider that the second I walk out that door he forgets about me. After all the time and energy we spend giving them everything we have we long so much for some sort of return to know it was all worth while.

I totally understand! I really hope that you can find more comfort throughout the time he's away. I've struggled so much just going to bi-weekly that during my usual therapy time on my off week, I separate myself and have alone 'therapy' time and I write about him. For me, that's his time. For now it always will be.
affinityaffinityMember
(((VeryHopeful)))

So sad you're feeling this way. I understand it totally. Attachment issues are the pits! It can be very unsettling to see someone we care about have a "normal" reaction to a short separation when, to us, it feels like the end of the world. It just reinforces the reality of our wounds and the shame that often causes. But you have no reason to feel ashamed. As my T occasionally reminds me, "This sh*t doesn't invent itself." Your reactions are totally normal in light of your experiences.

(I swear, I'm channeling my T right now. Smiler )

You do matter to your T. He is investing a lot in your care and healing, and he wants to see you get better. That's no small potatoes. I'm sure he will miss you whether he says so or not. ("I miss you" is generally outside of T speak anyway.) I took a vacation to the other side of the country at the beginning of April, and when I returned, my T had the warmest, most embracing look in his eyes. He didn't have to say, "I miss you." That look was enough.

Sending you big hugs.
V veryhopefulMember
Eiko, Glad you don't feel alone. We all understand the therapy intensity on this forum and it really does feel good to be understood and feel sincere compassion from others in the same boat. One thing T told me was when we are away from each other, or when he leaves me, he ALWAYS comes back to me; so that is not abandonment. Being abandoned means they NEVER came back. For me, it is just that intense infantile need for him to take me with him wherever he goes, including home. Of course, that makes total sense.....to an infant. And, it is understandable since I had only my basic needs met from infancy on. I swear I developed anxiety issues in utero; then landed in a chaotic environment. No wonder I was always a wreck and now I am learning to live for the first time in my life. How could I not love someone who is showing me the way.

TN, it did feel really good to drive by and good to say it out loud to someone who understands. Thanks for your input!
skylynxskylynxMember
I certainly do relate! I know it sounds traitorous, but I go see someone else in the interum just to ease the hurt...not as a substitute by any means but just to get by. I have insurance that won't pay for two T's, but I pay $40 to go to a group therapy sometimes...not much consolation and don't even like group therapy, but it takes the edge off plus get just a tiny bit of revenge by "cheating' in case my T thinks some separation is good for me. Rotten attitude on my part, I know. (slap).
V veryhopefulMember
Sky, I don't think you were cheating at all. I think what you did was a really good idea.
Thanks everyone for all your input. I made it through my ten days away from him and am back, but showed up at session with a major attitude. I felt like I was ready to "end" our relationship because I made it through 10 days without him. Plus, he will be going across the world in a few weeks and I cannot handle this up and down stuff. I may have zero contact with him since the area is remote. I am sweating already so....I may be on this forum 24/7 during that time. The adult knows he will be back and the kid is petrified chewing on her blankie that I will never see him again. I am thinking of asking for something of his to hold onto, but feel like a complete dope doing that.....jeez! One time, at night, I sat on his office steps....his office is across the street from my house and I was taking a walk anyway. I feel so wierd telling people that, but, I know you all "get" it....and it did help!

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