My life seems to be going to hell in a handbasket. My new T or shrink...whatever she is, left today for a week of training.
I work with clients who are seriously mentally ill. One suicided this year.
I was unable to connect with another, had to discharge this person and who I heard is now doing poorly. Another became paranoid and angry and is taking a month off seeing me.....and this week another client fired me because I encouraged her to set goals....
Each of these situations is explainable and would have happened no matter which staff member was dealing with it....but my boss expects more of me. I'm supposed to have more successes with clients than the others who are not licensed. I also get paid more
SInce the suicide, I have been feeling unsure of myself and my skill, it really threw me for a loop.....my boss knows this ...losing a client was devastating.....I kept thinking "Why didn't I see it coming?". On Wednesday after I told my boss about the latest incident, she said, "If more of your clients decide to quit, we'll have to look at what you're doing". Her words stung. She knows me very well and knows how I work, that I'm compassionate and careful to the max.
I still have not recovered from my client's suicide (I spoke at the funeral) and these other incidents were bound to happen due to the degrees of mental illness.
I went home Wed night and cut for the first time in about 5 years. I can't take it anymore. I woke at 2 am, made myself stay in bed til 4 and then left town to drive to my therapists an hour away and waited til my 8am appt. She met with me and said the situation is toxic and told me to take 2 weeks off. I'm supposed to be taking it easy but my mind is telling me my boss thinks I'm (even partly) responsible for my client's death. I can't stand that thought. The client had a terrible life. She was on a trajectory to dying by her own hand and I couldn't stop it.
I'm beginning to trust my new T. She said to call her office #, she'll check her messages and return my calls during her week away. I feel like I'm going to vomit I'm so upset.
I called a realtor and he's coming to appraise my house in the morning. I want to leave this town and finish my degree next year in the city where my therapist lives.....I used to live there but moved here for the job. I have been here almost 2 1/2 years doing a job more stressful and demanding than I ever dreamed I'd do. I feel guilty and even wrong with my responses and reaction to this.
The very last thing I could stand would be to be responsible for causing any of my clients harm. I was in the system myself and hurt by professionals many times.....that is why I do this job, to try and make a difference and I work my butt off helping my clients. I'm good at what I do and have had amazing outcomes with some people assigned to me.
When my co-workers can't deal with a client, they refer him/her to me because I'm more specialized in trauma and stabilization. My clients are all Trauma, DID, BPD, Bipolar etc. They are the heaviest and have been in the system a long time. Of course I will have some bad outcomes.....but to not get support from my boss really blew me away. I just can't take it.
My mom is here and she is trying to support me and at the same time try to help me not lose my shirt financially. I already miss my therapist and she probably hasn't even left town yet. It's going to be hard getting through the next 2 weeks.
Oh, my boss called my house today. I was out and she left a message....said she will call again. I'm afraid to start talking to her in case I say too much....also afraid of getting a lousy reference if/when I get another job. I can't imagine going back to this workplace and facing the others as they now know I'm on a stress leave. I had another 2 week leave when my dad nearly died last year. Stress leaves are a sign of weakness - even though we should know better.
Thanks for listening to all of this. I am so thankful for my therapist right now, and this board where I can talk...whew, I'd never get through it alone.
