this was the only thing my T wanted me to remember from todays session.

my session was so up and down crazy with my emotions all over

to start with she came downstairs to get me and when i stood up from my chair in the waiting room she stepped aside to let me go first no way i totally cant handle that.in fact it made me stop dead in my track and i couldn't move at all until she said oh do you need me to go first? and then she started to walk in front of me.i followed her .then her door was closed.if i had went first i would have been confronted by the closed door.,then i got in the room and the chair was moved further in the corner again.i don't understand why she was doing this to me again.but i tried to just let it go.i didn't want it to run my T because i know it would cause me not to be able to interact with her. at the time i am just trying to ignore it although it is in the back of my mind that she did this and why.

i wasn't talking and she asked me if thing have changed with the stuff around my aunt or if they are still the same.i was finding it so hard to say anything at all so i just shrugged my shoulders again but said my aunt just hates me along with everyone else in my family.she started with the that isn't true and asked me why i would think that.i just thought the question was so absurd.i just couldn't answer i didn't want to hear all the stuff she was saying again like last week.i so shut down, so again silence and then i just blurted out that i know she want me to say yes to all this stuff but i cant and i don't even know if i care about my aunt or anything.i think this totally frustrated my T .i don't think she was going to have any of my not speaking .she said then it you don't care then it isn't a problem and we don't need to talk about it what is going on with her.is she just trying to cause me to be upset.the stares, the door, the chair and now this. i just whispered OK. after another long silence and her shifting and sighing in her chair she asked me if i had any other problems i wanted to talk about. i just blurted out that i don't understand anything you are trying to say to me about my aunt i just feel so miserable and i want to leave your office.she said OK then lets talk about that . maybe what I'm saying doesn't mean anything to you right now.maybe you have something else going on so it is all just gibberish to you.so lets talk about you feeling miserable

god my head was spinning and i just didn't have anything left to fight i just told her that i feel horrible and just have no words to tell her about it at all.after a few minutes she asked me if i wanted to draw what i was feeling i told her i already did .after that i instantly wished i hadn't said that she was all like . she asked if she could see it and i was so confused with my head screaming are you kidding no don't show her your T journal you will be so sorry .i will be sure of that. but i so wanted to show her also. she kind of pushed me by saying "take out your book and show me" so i just did .omg i can't believe i am showing her something in my T journal. can YOU all believe i am showing her something in my T journal. i just got it opened it and handed it to her.i wanted to jump out of my skin it felt so uncomfortable. i asked her almost immediately if i could have it back now.i think i even stood up off my chair.i literally wanted to jump out of my skin.she just said NO.i said to her i was impressed with how many definitions of expendable are in the dictionary. she started reading what i had written last month in my journal i was like ummm you are suppose to be looking at my picture not reading that can i have my book back now.i was not comfortable with it at all.she said no but did start focusing on the pic and reading the definitions of expendable. she asked if this is how I'm feeling

i blurted out YES. it isn't just my aunt it is my life .it is everyone. she said that the girl in the pic is broken is this how you feel? i said i feel like i am broken into a thousand pieces and just being thrown away again.she asked if there is ever been a time that i haven't felt expendable.i said no that this is my roll in life. she asked me if this is what I'm going to do,to break myself into pieces and throw myself away and i instantly said yes and wanted to take it back just as fast.panic .run away mode hit like a freight train.what is she going to do.hospital ????.but she didn't(did i tell you i have the most awesome T)she said that i need to know that to some people i am NOT expendable. people like my husband and my son.but that i have just forgotten this and that i need to remember this.she brought up about me going to Washington to my sons graduation and how much he wanted me there . i remember it as a miserable trip i remembered i freaked out .but i thought it was so sweet of her trying to get me to see that my son and husband care i couldn't share with her how i was thinking that my son is living his life and doesn't need me in it at all now.it seemed so important that i see I'm not expendable.i think she even said this to me .she asked me if i was listening to her and made me look at her. i realized that i had not really looked at her for almost the whole session.i looked at her and she was sitting in her seat leaning toward me and it really felt cool .like maybe she did care somewhat about how i was feeling like maybe she believed me and really wanted me to feel better.all in something so stupid ad leaning toward me in her chair and saying .i need you to remember this week that you are not expendable .i couldn't handle the intensity of what she was saying so i just came back with .can i have my book back now?she said yes and at this point i was standing up but she didn't .she stayed in her chair and i let my self out. what is she doing playing around with the routine it is scaring me