JM,
BREATHE! I'm not being funny. I want you to sit somewhere comfortable with your feet planted on the floor and concentrate on your breathing. Don't try to control it, just notice it as it flows in and out. Everytime you start to think of something else, pull your attention back to your breathing.

You need to try and ground yourself in the here and now. You're being flooded with memories, feelings and sensations from the past that were overwhelming. If you are feeling like there are other parts of you or other people that indicates that things were extreme enough to warrant splitting to protect yourself. Which would mean there's a lot for you to remember and process but it important that you not be hurt again in the process.

You are safe now, and as much as you feel like a child and I know how strong that can be, you are an adult, that's reality. And no one can harm you that way anymore.

When I was having a difficult time when recovering memories when internal stuff was pushing too hard, I actually used to negoite with the part of me that felt like it was holding the memory. I would explain that I couldn't hear it right then, but she would get a chance to speak at my Ts office. It was a way to give myself permission to wait unti I was safe to let whatever it was come out. I don't know it that would be at all helpful for you but I wanted to tell you just in case it could help.

And call your T. No, you can't solve all this over the phone, but you can experience being here and now and connecting to the care and security that you experience now to offset all the feelings telling you otherwise.

((((((((((Just Me))))))))))))))))

And keep posting as much as you need to and don't worry about making sense or having it figured out, that's not imporant. (Although as usual, you're being so much more clear than you think you are).

I'm so sorry you have to suffer this. You don't deserve it. You'll be ok, I know it doesn't feel like it, but you will be.

AG

((((JM))))
I have no words but I want you to know I am listening to you and sitting with you.

JM

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and really, you do make so much sense. We have all been there and can feel your pain. HB and AG have given you great advice. Thinking of sitting on HB's lap and being soothed is a wonderful image. While you are there, Ag's suggestion of breathing deeply is really important. When I started my session yesterday, I was so uptight. My T suggested that we breathe together because I have been working on that. We did this for a few minutes and the relief was amazing. She said she could see my shoulders relaxing with each breath. And I could feel it too. Breathe into your belly and as AG said, just think about the breath and bring your mind back to that every time it wanders. You need to be in the present and realize that you are safe and strong and courageous.

I also agree that you should call your T. You may not want to discuss all of this on the phone, but it will help to hear her voice and know that she is always there for you and with you.

I'm keeping positive thoughts for you today.

PL

I really thank all of you for your warm resposnes and for offering me your lap HB. I am certain that is a very comforting place for the little girl in me. How very nice.

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. I am so enveloped in this it is hard for me to see my way out. But your words are so encouargaing and heartwarming and very much appreciated.

Thanks for the positive thoughts and support through this immense pain. It would be unbearable w/o you all.
JM

((((JM))))

I am sending you all my hugs and prayers.

I don't know what to say. Try to just let go. Take a deep breathe, now exhale, take a deep breathe, exhale.... feel the pressure leaving your body.

I am thinking of you my friend.

Kats

Thanks for the hugs!

I have calmed down quite a bit since earlier today. I was already triggered and then had a phone conversation with both my sisters and lets just say when already activated FOO phone calls don't usually turn out so good.

Having just found out about my father wanting to giveme up I've been hanging onto the one posiitve male role model from my childhood: My ex-brother-in-law. He was married to my oldest sister for 26 years and they divorced 15 years ago. They were dating when I was born and I adored and idolized this man and followed him all over like a shadow. Since the divorce I haven't seen him but once at his brothers funeral, but other than that he has not been part of my life. He lives several hundred miles away and it just doesn't exist. But he remains in my heart the only man deserving of the role of which I would measure all other men against. And today my sister (not the one that was married to him)tried to convince me that he was not what I thought him to be and that I shouldn't feel the way I do and he doesn't deserve my love and admiration. I went around and around with her and finally told her I don't appreciate her trying to convince me of this especially right now, but I will never welcome that. She can feel how she feels and I am entitled to my feelings and they are not open to judgment or discussion really.

So right now I am ok. Another day has past and hey, it's almost time for bed...my favorite time of day.

Thanks every one! This is a very frightening time in my life and I really don't know what I'd do w/o this support. And nobody thinks I'm crazy??
JM

JM -

I'm sorry you were feeling bad today and glad you are OK now.

Good for you for telling your sister how you feel! I wouldn't want that memory clouded right now either.

And no, I don't think you're crazy.

OW

JM,

No, I don't think you're crazy. I think you are human. I think you are a human who's been very seriously injured, and the part of you that knows who you *truly* are, and contains all the wonderful things you *are* (compassionate, patient, warm, insightful, empathetic, caring, and many other things) is your soul. And your soul is trying like all hell to heal you, and healing hurts like a bastard and is terrifying. Remember what the greek word for soul is: psyche. Soul therapy is the hardest and most painful work there is.

You know, I don't know the details of your life or your past and I can't feel your suffering. But, since last May, I have learned what it's like to really really suffer, to feel like your head is full of an evil, oppressive fog, and the fog consists of despair, anguish and hellish fear. And I know what that feels like and have no clue as to why. But there is a reason, it's just outside of our awareness.

So, in my opinion, your intense suffering is your soul responding to the memories of your past, as well as the injuries that are still fresh. Remember, all this stuff is timeless. It might as well have happened 30 seconds ago. I truly believe this. And, as you know, there are many triggers.

I hope you feel some relief soon.

Russ

quote:

I feel a very deep penetrating pain. I am longing for my T so much that is aches and feels like it is stretching my heart in all different directions and it literally hurts in my chest. I want to sit on her lap like a little child and just belong to her

JM- The stinging pain of this longing is one of the worst feelings in the world. The ache to be held and loved and cherished by a loving mother is almost debilitating to me. I can't count the times that I have asked my T to be my mom, while crying and everything. One time I actually said to her, "so how much longer before I finally convince you to be my mom?" My T just looked and me and said, without missing a beat, "It's funny, because I'm sitting here trying to convince you to be your mom." Ugh, at that point I knew that we were in a stand off of sorts, and that she wasn't going to budge! It doesn't take away the longing though, the want to be a little girl again, but to be loved and taken care of this time.

quote:

It’s confusing and frightening. I keep wondering if I am making this stuff up, but I know that I am not, yet I am afraid I am. But I’m not -I swear.

You know, I don't know what it is like to contain different people within myself, but I want you to know that I hear you and that I believe you are not making anything up (I have, however, felt fragmented before, like my feelings can't merge together and that they can't all exist at the same time).

I'm glad that you are feeling better and that you had the boundary awareness to tell your sister what you needed to tell her. Good job and no, you're not crazy. No way.

quote:

And nobody thinks I'm crazy??

Seriously JM, if you are crazy then I guess I'm there too. Remember our parallel lives?

I hope tomorrow is a peaceful, awesome, wonderful day for you. You deserve it!

PL

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:
No, I don't think you're crazy. I think you are human. I think you are a human who's been very seriously injured, and the part of you that knows who you *truly* are, and contains all the wonderful things you *are* (compassionate, patient, warm, insightful, empathetic, caring, and many other things) is your soul. And your soul is trying like all hell to heal you, and healing hurts like a bastard and is terrifying. Remember what the greek word for soul is: psyche. Soul therapy is the hardest and most painful work there is.

*GULP!* Thank you Russ, I am amazed at how all of you here in just a few short months have taken more time and shown more concern for me than my foo ever did in my entire 43 years! I am so moved by this experience I can never go back to their lies and evil plots to hold me in their internment. Thank you all so much.

And Russ, you're right about the psyche being the hardest kind of therapy. Because it is our soul that our parents have hurt, that is why the hurt is so deep and takes so long to heal. It makes so much sense when you put it the way that you did. This is no simple therapy, not to say that therapy is ever simple, but the trauma, especially attachment trauma is the most painful trauma to heal. Gosh, I hope I am not taking away from the brilliant simplicity of your statement Russ, it'd be like adding extra baking soda to an already perfect cookie recipe. But I just want you to know how much this resonated with me. -Thanks!

CT,
ANd thank you for your understanding and wisdom and for understanding the aching need to be held and cherished by a loving mother. It is truly debilitating to me too. I too have told my T several times that I want her to be my mommy. Last session I asked "WHy can't you hold me." I knew the answer woul be painful, but at least it didn't feel like rejection, but more like protection. That if she actually held me (and she expressed several reasons why she can't) but the one she was most concerned about was that it would rob me of what I already imagine it to be like when she holds me. She said, "It WON'T feel the way you want it to and it would take away from what you are able to soothe yourself with imaginally." And she wasn't willing to take that away from me. So I am glad my T won't budge either, though I know full well that she does have to fight her natural, maternal inclination to want to hold someone she cares about.

I also like how you put it about how the fragmented feelings (and memories) can't merge together and exist at the same time. I too believe that this could be all that I am experiencing. But it is so heavy and perplexing sometimes and another piece of evidence that testifies to the deep pain and multiple traumas I experienced as a child. I certainly had reasons to split if I did and I would want to accept whatever it was that did happen, whether imaginatively or actually splitting.

THAT is what my T is focusing on is acceptance. But she has seen some interesting things take place lately that have made me so uncomfortable and curious and confused. I just need to be patient. VERY hard for me to do. I want it and I want it now! LOL! "Lord, give me patience...NOW!"

Thank you to PL,
I sort of wish our lives weren't exactly parallel all the time, then maybe we could run into each other and have coffee someplace. ...Hey wait, we do at the PsychCafe! (DUH JM!)