I have been feeling completely different inside and outside my therapy sessions lately. When I'm not in T's office I feel fairly hopeful and positive about therapy but when I get to the session I'm scared and angry and frustrated and end up struggling to talk and crying and feeling hopeless. Last week, T and I were discussing needs I had (or wants depending on your view because I have trouble telling the difference). T was asking me to tell him what I wanted and suddenly I was angry and said why bother because if I tell you it won't matter, you will ignore me anyway.

After thinking a lot I realized that months ago T and I had a discussion about comforting touch and sitting closer together in therapy. When I am very upset I wish T would come closer to me and perhaps his hand on my shoulder or arm. He feels like I have a fairly big barrier up when I am crying and he wouldn't want to cross that barrier. He did say he would be willing to sit closer to me during a session when I wasn't upset. I spent a long time thinking about asking him to sit closer to me but couldn't seem to get up the nerve. It was agonizing and eventually I gave up.

Today I sent him an email before my session that included this.

quote:

Probably the topic isn't touch or proximity. It really is how can I feel in a non-rational right-brain way that you are there with me when I am struggling. I think it would have been resolved with moving towards me and trying some small comforting touch. I think you think it can be reached by continuing to talk about how I feel.

I think that the part of me that is crying is so far removed from the rational part of me that can talk that we are we can't bridge that gap. I also think that is why talking rationally and feeling understand and connected is so painful and seems to trigger such hopelessness. I think when one part of me feels understood the other part of me gets even more left behind and I'm getting swamped by those feelings, the being wrong, the wanting more than I can get or I deserve, the hopelessness of ever resolving the bind I'm in.

T seemed surprised by what I was saying although he quickly recovered and told me that he thought that on some level I've felt rejected by the conversation about sitting closer to each other that we never followed up on and actually tried. He said he thought that would create such a loud message of rejection that it was probably an ongoing subtext for all the conversations we have been having for months. I felt relieved that he understood how I felt.

Then he started talking about what we could actually do. Sitting closer would probably work best if we sat on the floor together which we have done in the past. He asked if I could just move to the floor when I wanted to sit closer and he would take it as an invitation for him to join me. I said I thought it would work in theory but I would struggle with moving to the floor just like I struggled with asking him if we could sit closer months ago. It took awhile but eventually I told him that I also didn't know if it would help because I was looking for him to respond in some way to my feelings so sitting on the floor from the beginning of the session wouldn't be the same. I also told him I understood and respected his feelings about approaching me when I was very upset.

Eventually T asked me if it would be okay if he sat on the floor when he thought it would help and if I would be able to interpret that as an invitation to me to sit closer to him. I was surprised he was wiling to consider that and instantly felt terrible that he was considering doing something that he might not be comfortable with to help me. I told him I thought it would help and then started to give him all the reasons it was hopeless anyway. I told him that I really wanted him to be willing to touch me and I knew and understood why that wasn't going to be okay so it seemed stupid to try sitting closer together and then I would just go "this isn't enough, I want you to do this". I said any T would have their own hard boundary regarding closeness and touch and I didn't understand how it was supposed to work.

He ended up explaining to me that we didn't have to understand how it was going to work before we tried it. He said he was comfortable with sitting closer and we could try it and see what came up for me and maybe then we would have a discussion about touch or maybe not. He said that we were trying to shake up the feeling I had that I was all alone with my feelings and give me a new experience. I still ended up getting upset at me him for the tone of his voice as he talked about people wanting to be held like a child and how that wasn't possible as the session wrapped up. I think I needed to get angry at him for something.

Part of me is really happy about how the conversation went today while other parts of me are afraid that T doesn't really want to do this and I am "forcing" him to (by asking him or manipulating him). I think I'm scared of T because he's not ignoring me which seems so stupid. What happens if T keeps showing up and understanding me and trying to help? What does it mean? Will it ever stop being scary?