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8 replies

I am so frustrated

I incognitoMember
I've been feeling hopeless about my life lately. Several things have changed for the better and I don't even discuss them with my T anymore but other areas are completely stuck. The stuck areas have to do with my relationship with my husband (we are seeing a marriage T) and my weight. I went to my session tonight thinking that I didn't want to talk about anything, most things are fine, and the things that aren't are so big and impossible I'm tired of trying to change them.

Then in the beginning of the session my T mentioned that he was going away for the weekend and I knew that he was going to where his sister lived and he had just visited her in August. I asked if she was okay and he told me his slightly older sister had passed away. I felt so sad for him. I understand why he told me (rather than lie about his trip or refuse to tell me) and I told him how sorry I was. Then he focused the session on my relationship with my husband and my hopelessness. Pretty quickly he referred to my criticism of my husband and how he feels attacked by me. All I could hear was it was my fault and I should criticize and it was so different than last week when I thought he understood how painful things were for me.

So besides feeling like he was calling me critical and blaming me for the state of my marriage I was also thinking this is so unimportant compared to losing a sibling. I felt like I wasted his time and I just feel so stupid. I don't understand why I don't just quit when I spend so much time feeling like I am not doing therapy right and I don't have anything to talk about and then I go and waste a session feeling hurt and alone and being silent. I feel wrong. Wrong if I quit therapy, wrong how I do therapy, wrong for thinking about T's loss, wrong for not caring enough about T. Argh
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
First of all, I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. It's hard to feel stuck. I've been stuck also for awhile and it makes you feel like you are too stupid to grasp a particular concept.

You know I'm going to say that what happens in your T's personal life should not impact the way you relate to him and should not impact what you say to him... i.e., you should not filter your words because of the death of his sister. Of course we are human and it's hard not to feel sad for someone we care about. I get that. I remember when oldT's mom died. Same feeling.

I would suggest you talk about how hearing that his sister died made you feel. I'll bet haring that made you feel some fear that your T could get sick and die too. It's only natural. When I lost C so suddenly all I kept doing was worrying that T would die suddenly too. It was very scary. But we talked about it and that helped.

The other thing that should be addressed is this overwhelming feeling that you are wrong and that you are doing everything wrong. You are not but I understand that it feels this way. I struggle with this feeling at times so I really get it. I feel so wrong that I want to just disappear. So tell your T how you feel and try to figure out why and what the trigger is.

I think you have tons to talk about but all the remaining topics are scary ones. Body image issues, marriage issues, a death in T's family and your worry about T. Nothing here is easy. So maybe just talking about your fears and reluctance to talk about things is a good place to start. I've been dipping a toe into doing that with my T. Talking about talking about inner kid stuff.

Hang in there incognito. You may just be at a turning point and getting ready to take the next step.

Hugs
TN
irisirisMember
Hi Incognito,
I'm sorry you're feeling this way - I read your post and wanted to offer some support. I can understand that some things can feel insurmountable and also feel that some of the things that I bring to therapy seem unimportant in comparison to other peoples' stuff...

Although my T very rarely shares anything about herself, I have asked her if she gets tired of hearing my stuff over and over again - she insists she doesn't. And she has also been very clear that she looks after herself very well and if she is not fit to work, she won't work. Your T will have decided he is ok to work and what to share and not share, I'm sure.
And I think TN is right in saying that it might be useful to share how you feel about this.

My T once said to me that frustration was part of the process... I wanted to hit her at the time, but I always get past it (and then I hit it again..) and it usually marks a shift of one sort or another.

I hope things feel less difficult and you're feeling better soon.

Iris x
I incognitoMember
Thanks for the hugs and sympathy RT.

TN, I know you are right that his personal life shouldn't impact my therapy. Also hearing his sister died made me worry about him and his health. It also made me worry about my siblings who I don't have a great relationship with but I am trying to improve the relationships and death is the end. I recently reached a deeper level of trust in my relationship with my T. I know he cares about me, that he is trying to help me, that he doesn't wish I would die, or any of the other thoughts that have plagued me over the years. I thought that would make therapy easier but it hasn't. I still don't want to talk about the really difficult subjects (and I used to think it was because I didn't trust him). I'm afraid I want to be stuck so I can keep seeing my T and that seems wrong particularly when he has an important event in his life. In a way I guess I feel like I am stealing something from my T, some kind of kindness or support or care, without him knowing. Almost like I am in therapy under false pretences because I don't talk about the difficult issues but I still want to go. It is a weird feeling.

Iris, you are right in that I know my T can take care of himself and decided to work. I think I wish I could take care of him, just a little and I'm sad that the only gift I can think to give my T is my absence. The feelings just keep coming at me.
catalystcatalystMember
((cogs))

I read this last night and just couldn't think of the right words. I think what everyone said here is good stuff. I didn't want you to go unhugged! Hug two And wish I could provide some insight, all I have at the moment is an ear for you. I know what you mean so much about wanting to take care of your T. My T told me once (to my surprise) that most of her clients are not as concerned as I am about stuff - or get interrupted... it's hard to think of an example, but I'm always aware of my T. She said therapy is supposed to be about me so she tries to do things in a way that doesn't detract from that (for example, Ts yawn in session but generally stifle it which I think is ridiculous) but for me it's more distracting when someone is trying to "pull one over" on you... ya know? When they can't tell us what is up... and then when you find out what is up it... just messes with you. I don't think your absence would be a gift to your T - but I understand you feeling that way (I've wanted to "reward" my T in the same way)... I had a friend die suddenly 2 weeks ago - he was friends with other friends I have and the greatest gift we could give eachother was presence. We couldn't really talk about much but just sitting down together, feeling normalcy in abnormality really helped. Just like we rely on consistency in therapy, I think other people... like Ts rely on consistency too. So, it might just be a gift to bring yourself there. But, certainly don't do so at your expense.. ya know? Anyway... why did I ramble? I don't really know what to say but... that's what I've got. I treasure you very much and am so sorry things suck.

I'm sorry such difficult stuff is coming up. Body issues.... are the worst.
sdsdMember
Hey Cogs, I too read this yesterday and it has been going around in my mind.

I think my T would have a different view. Yes her private life doesn't enter into our therapy and I shouldn't filter what I say because of her or for fear of hurting her - but for her and i and our different relationship - these hard and fast rules get blurry. They ARE a part of our lives. If something happens to their family, it happens to our T and then it happens to us. We are all linked. If my T's dad died - she will be devastated and she will take time off work and then her and I will want to avoid the subject. He is a part of my therapy as we discuss aspects of T's dad's life. We do this to keep the connection up with T.

When T told me how her mum died - she quickly - in an instant said 'don't worry it isn't hereditary' because T knew that is where my mind went as soon as she told me. My T knows I am hypervigilant about her - hell I even know when she is going to become ill before she does (this is true). If something happened to someone close to my T - there is no way I could continue with that session because of me thinking of what is happening to her, that she needs to be elsewhere, that she isn't concentrating etc etc and yes that my needs aren't important at that point in time. I would do this because we are all human. IF T rejected that concern of mine or kept on with the session - I would be really affected by this. So Cogs - i really get that.

And for the rest of your entire post, unfortunately I get all that too and I am feeling that at the moment. The stuff about your marriage - boy that would have sent me off into angry town.

I am sorry COGS. it does all sound shitty. Keep talking about it.
Somedays
jillannjillannMember
Hi Cogs,

I've read your post through several times. I can feel your frustration with yourself. I am so sorry your having a difficult time. I had tw thoughts as a read this.

1. Someone posted a picture of the path to healing while ago. I can't remember where I saw it. But one side had a nice straight line with an arrow at the top. The other had a long winding path that doubled back on itself multiple times. It is hard but can you release the image of the straight line. Your healing may take a long curvy line. It is what it is and you'll arrive at the same destination eventually. Also, you can take a break. Saying you want to take a month or 6 months break may help you to focus your thoughts better on what you want to accomplish.

2. Can you ask you T to help you set some short term goals. Things that you and he feel you can accomplish in the short term. I know right now in my therapy I feel like I'm fighting battles on too many fronts. It makes me feel like very little progress is happening. Unfortunatly I can't really control too much of what is happening in my life right now. Perhaps you and T could decide on a skill you want to work on. I know my T uses workbooks alot. I have really enjoyed them because they give me a jumping off point to talk about some things that I probably would have never brought up on my own. Maybe ask him if he has ever used any. The two I've been working with are "Boundary Power" which explains boundaries and how they can be good or bad, and "The Courage to Heal" which deals with CSA. We take it in small sections. I'll answer some questions in the book then we'll talk about my responses or why I might not have felt that was applicable to me. Like it said it just helps to get the conversation going.

Hope this might be some help.

Jillann
I incognitoMember
Thank you for the hug Cat. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I am also sorry that you know how it feels to feel so wrong about yourself. It is difficult. I also wanted you to know that I have been reading your threads lately but having a lot of trouble responding, I want to support you but I don't know what to say when your ED issues come up because mine are so very different. I don't expect that my sending a hug will have much meaning but I am always amazed on how much it means to me when I am struggling. I am going to try and learn the lesson.

SD, It think the relationship you have with your T is amazing. It is great that she knows and accepts how much you worry about her and her life. Keep talking about it, LOL, do you ever wish someone would say never mention it again and you will never think of it either.

Hollow, I wish we could reason with ourselves. Last month I told T I kept having this fantasy/vision/thought that I died in an accident. When I missed my session T calls to check up on me and my husband tells him I am dead and all he feels is relief because he won't ever have to talk to me again. T told me he would be sad and that he would feel a loss if I died as well as a lot of other things about how I impact other people in my life. It was a remarkably powerful thing to hear him say and believe he means.

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