wow spaGirl....i hear you. And totally understand how something like this would trigger you anger. Creds for emailing your mother about this too...I dont understand though why your mother did this without letting you know? was it a misunderstanding or did she do it on purpose?

Good of you to vent here..hope it helps. keep venting if you need to!

Thanks Frog,

I don't know what her though process is. Never have. All I can suppose is that because of her insecurity and inability to understand the differences between the programs, she just did what makes her feel comfortable - she called the agent she has dealt with before and took the option he recommended. She never thinks how that would be for me - especially since I've spent so much time on this already and was expecting to meet up with the agent with mom and go over plans. For her to jump the gun may not have saved her as much money as it could have - had we kept with our plan of reviewing all of them (together).

What pisses me off the most is again her inability to share with me. This (health coverage) is important - and to make the decision all on her own without including me is just one more example of why our relationship is so severed.

Just when I think we are getting to a point where she treats me like an adult (46 on Thursday!), she goes off and does something like this.

SpaGirl,
I'm sorry about what happened with your mother and I can see why you would be furious. I applaud you on how you handled the situation. I may not have been so nice. Is there anyway you can call the agent and meet with him alone to discuss the different plans? Just a thought.

PG

Yes, meeting with the agent was our final plan. But now according to mom, the deal is done.


On a PS - I am so tired of being nice and considerate to people who aren't back to me.

Even my new dog knows this. Just not my mother.

And, of course, I think back to all the moments when she's called me "inconsiderate", when, in fact, it's HER. I was cleaning out the spare bedroom (the room mom was supposed to use, but never comes over) and I found a Christmas tree ornament that I never gave her. It took me a minute, but I remembered: I had bought it for her while we were on our family vacation in Wyoming ... something sweet to remember the moments we shared, but after she had called me "inconsiderate" because I "took" (not really, I asked permission) the car, I declined to give it to her and it still sits in my spare room.

LONG history.

~

So this is the email reply I get back from her this morning:

"Anytime you want to make all the decisions than you can pay for it – I am trying to do the best for both of us."


So predictable.

This is what I wrote back to her:

"I knew that would be EXACTLY what you would say. Keep treating me like a 12-year old and maybe one day I'll act like one - just like you!


You have NO IDEA what this means to me, do you? None whatsoever.


So why did you involve me in the first place, if you were just going to do your own thing anyway????


What happened to meeting with Richard and going over all the plans?"


>Wonder what mama-drama she will throw back at me? It is two days to my birthday, gotta throw a wrench in there somewhere so it will be all about her and I'll be tied in knots.


~


Old and tired this is.


~

Money is POWER and she is wielding it now. She holds the power on this one. What a shame to be so small.


.

Where are we in the continuing saga?


I naively thought that I would hear a response as to why she acted alone, but haven't. Then she calls me to see if I'm weathering the storm (no pun) tonight. I ask her to answer my questions. I get the same old reply: "You should be grateful to me. I don't HAVE to do this for you - I do it because I LOVE you."

Then I ask why she involved me in the first place when she was just going to do it her way. This is rich: "YOU butted in and wanted to take over!"

I tried to explain to her WHY it upset me so deeply that I nearly fainted. I told her about how it felt to be DISREGARDED. How SHE would feel if I made such important decisions on her behalf without including her in the decision making process. (Perhaps when she's older and in a nursing home and I'M the one calling the shots!) She just didn't get it - or wouldn't admit to understanding (thereby admitting she was wrong). She can never be wrong about anything. It's ME who is over-reacting. It's ME who is ungrateful. She's doing me a favor by supplying insurance and I should just shut up and give her thanks. And not to do so makes me an "inconsiderate" daughter. "I wish you would just GROW UP." Yeah, I wish YOU'D grow up, too!

I reminded her of the Jackson Hole incident, and the walk in the park incident, and the movie incident, and to please NOT call me on my birthday so I could at least celebrate one without her DRAMA and my eventual crying spell in a bathroom somewhere. Then I took the battery out of the phone.


.


Do you know what bothers me most? That she just doesn't get it. In her mind, why should I be upset - or care even - I'm getting insurance and that should be enough to make me happy. She doesn't get the "partnership" part of this, or that I'm not 12. What it raises in me are the feelings that she doesn't trust me. That is why she over-reacted in Wyoming, and possibly why she does such crazy (to me) things. Or is it because she wants to be in control?????


.

I woke up with some clarity and sent her this email:

What it boils down to is trust. You don't trust me to make decisions.


And fear. Your fear. Fear runs your life. You were overwhelmed with all the differences and instead of going over them, with the agent and me, you decided (out of fear) to just accept whatever Jerry presented you, because it's easier.

.

Dear Diary,

I hate this fucking family.

My birthday is tomorrow and because I had told Mom not to call me so I could enjoy one birthday without mama-drama, I come home from work and find two presents on my doorstep. Yes, that would be nice if I didn't know what was to come. One was a card from my aunt with a check inside (also nice). The other was a gift from mom with a card and money and a note: "11-16-10 - 8:19 P.M. On this date, you asked me not to call you on your birthday so I will honor your request. Sorry you feel the way you do." [Yeah, me, too.]

So I do my duty and call her tonight on the 17th to say the obligatory "Thank You" (and to keep from having to do this tomorrow, my actual birthday.) I say "Thank You" and she says "You're welcome" and the phone goes silent. I have nothing more to say since what I want to talk about she refuses to even email me a response. More silence. I eventually say something about how we can't communicate anything. She tells me to use the nail stuff she bought me - it will make my nails better. End of conversation.

Then I call my aunt to tell her Thank You. We go over the basic stuff then I bring up why I am upset. I try to get her to see how Mom has her side of every story and they all believe her. I bring up the walk in the park and what mom said about her, and the Wyoming event when I spent the evening crying in the bathroom because of Mom's nasty note. I try to show her that I hadn't done anything wrong --- nothing to warrant such punishment. But just like before, she blew me off. Telling me to "just move on" and all of that. I said back to her, "I didn't get a fair trial then and I want to tell my side of the story. I don't care how long ago it was, because you all are still treating me with the same disregard. She must have put her phone down because I never heard another word from her. After realizing this, I said into the phone, "If this is how much respect you have for me, then I won't be there for Thanksgiving." I repeated it and counted to ten out loud, but no reply, just silence, so I hung up the phone.


That is what they think of me. Don't listen to (my name) because she just wants to bring up the past. They never want to face the truth or take any blame for hurting me. There's never an apology to solve the problem so I could move on. All I know how to do is go away and that's why they won't see me for the holidays.

It sucks so bad. I really want a family. But this one so very obviously doesn't want me.


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