Hi TAS,
I've been thinking about you lately.

I am reluctant to write because I don't know how useful my perspective might be and I don't want to hurt anyone's therapy but I'll give my first thoughts as I'm relating it to my therapist/myself...I haven't always liked my therapist but I've analyzed if she is good or not and she has adapted to me after quite some time so I feel better than I have before. Also, just how your therapists comments strike me at my initial reaction. BTW my brain shuts off these days too...I think it's saying "too much/can't do it right now."

Prescription. I know from my own experience that when I am feeling angry/stressed/depressed/etc. because of my thoughts spiraling that the only way to get a better perspective is to take a small dose of xanax... like .125 instead of .25 to help me relax. I take 10mg Lexapro daily which is middle because I believe it comes in 5, 10 and 20. All I can figure that he's saying is that if you can relax a bit you may be taking in what he's saying. I think he needs to remember more about your mother...he needs to remember IMO as he has known you long enough now...atleast a year I believe you have said in your previous posts so I remember feeling that way by that length of time with my therapist I should have credibility that I was staying with therapist and they should know stuff and be adapting to me by then also. Also, it sounds like he is pushing too much and is pushing you away.

"Not if it is to TRUMP THE THERAPIST." I could be wrong but my first impression of his statement is arrogance. I hope others will come along and say better things because I am just going off of my first impressions.

Sarcasm? Sorry TAS that does seem like sarcasm on your part. On his part...seems like...I don't know. I would say "not caring" but I believe he has really tried to keep you in therapy if I have not mixed you up here with someone else. That's fine though...sarcasm on your part is OK. I think it's you feeling defensive but if that's how it is for you then it's ok...I wish I could have done that but I might have been able to do it with a male T but not with a female T...dumb ha? I have more of a need to have it together in front of a female therapist than a male obviously.

I really don't like that he said you could not talk about something else. I don't understand all the different varieties of T's but I have learned with my T and been told by her enough times that it is my hour and we can talk about anything...if that means I am avoiding something then that is fine...it's my time and I pay for it...along with insurance of course and I can take as long (years if needed)...almost 2 already and it is fine with her. I have learned not to rush and in so doing making progress quicker than when I used to resist for more than a year. I would just go quiet with what I have experienced with my T rather than talk about what he dictates we would talk about. It is your time to do with how you see fit.

Personally I find writing to be helpful. Again though, it feels like he is dictating to you how he wants you to be. OTOH maybe writing will help clear the air or allow you both to agree on some points. Maybe it will be helpful on two fronts.

I don't feel like it is ever all the clients fault nor the T's...although I sure would have like to have blamed my T.

I understand personally that you are not trying to be difficult as I was never trying to be either. I know I've read from you in the past also that same type of statement "not trying to be difficult" and I see that you are trying really hard.

If our stuff comes from childhood stuff then that's where it comes from and T's should get that. When you are done with it at a level you are satisfied with then you are. I feel like in the meantime he needs to accept that that is where it comes from and allow you to have it. I feel like from your statements above he is imposing too much of his stuff into your therapy.

I've read that "twice a week" from you before. If you're too alone and feel that he could help you better process by going twice a week and you have past trauma (only going from what I've read here before) then he should let you decide. I have suggested that to my T because of what I've read here but I now know I don't qualify but maybe T's should let clients decide more and more because isn't it that you know what's best for you? I've read it many times. Also, twice a week helps the connection and processing and maybe rather than take more meds maybe more processig with "a" T is better than more meds. I'm just throwing out my thoughts as they come.

I wonder if you could put things out there as you see them and give him the ways in which you see them and if he can't accommodate you then maybe go elsewhere. Of course you would want it to be natural that he see it that way without you having to tell him all the time but I've been reading your frustrations a lot and maybe a consult with someone else can help you decide one way or the other. Maybe write e-mails to a few and explain stuff a bit and use your great intuition and see about it.

I hope I didn't come off too negative towards your T as I understand how T's don't always get it right but I keep hearing and reading that this is about the client and all and I personally don't feel that he is seeing it like that.

's
Hopeful

Edit: I missed some points clearly. He did backtrack on the "Not right now" but he clearly needs to take a moment before he responds to you...just my opinion.

Twice a week. I know for others (Liese) it has helped a lot and she had to push her therapist. He really might want to re-think things as you appear ready to leave.

I'm being a bit analytical here but therapy is for you!

hi TAS,

i'm sorry to hear things are not going well with the therapist - or even worse then usual

i can't remember if you said your therapist is psychoanalytical? i get the feeling that he is cos he reminds me of my T. my feeling is that they can be a bit rigid and unflexible sometimes. and act like they know everything and have all the answers (even if it is obvious they don't), like they have to be the authority figure and you're supposed to respect that. i am a bit of a rebel too and sometimes that rubs me the wrong way. although, i'm not sure how much of it is a true reflection from T and how much i imagine / project because of my own stuff, and because she's such an annoying bloody 'blank screen' and i know nothing about her. i also think there are advantages to the psychoanalytical Ts but i find it very hard to explain exactly what they are... especially at the moment. my previous T was nicer and gentler, but i'm not sure if she was 'better'. hard to say... maybe i'm just a sucker for punishment...

anyway, i'm just rambling and i have nothing useful to say....

i did want to ask though - is there something going on that really impacted negatively on your relationship with him? if you were to pick one thing - what would it be? is it because he didn't listen to you when you said you need more then one session per week? or something else?
i know that with my T, sometimes there is one thing unresolved which will then cause a lot of other issues and everything turns bad. if you figure out what it is, do you think you could tell him - directly? maybe he's feeling the disconnect too and hasnt been able to hide his frustration from you. i do think he should loosen up a little - and let you be sarcastic. well done, i've been meaning to try it myself

sorry if this wasnt much use. i hope things will get better soon.

puppet

Thank you hopeful and puppet...I appreciate your insight and this is a follow up to how things have been going...

I had a session this past Wednesday and I almost walked right out within the first five minutes of the session...

He was asking me what I decided about the prescription and I told him what the pdoc had prescribed and that he had said I could cut it in half if I didn't want to take the whole pill every day...

He said "I don't understand..." I said, "I am not sure what you are not understanding. I am not sure how else to say it."

I look up at him and he has his eyes closed and he is taking a deep breathe...I see the look of anger on his face...and I freak out. I start crying and I said, "I am not doing this again this week." He said, "I am definitely not doing that again this week."

I get up and put the money on his desk...I am crying uncontrollably and I start walking toward the door. He said, "I thought you were on two prescriptions." I said, "No, he gave me two prescriptions when I first saw him three months ago...but only on the first visit. I have been only taking one daily and the other on a as needed basis."

He said he didn't realize that. I sat there. He wanted to know what I was thinking. I said "Nothing." He said that he had to work on understanding me better and I had to work on communicating better. He said, "The onus is on me."

It was too late. I had already retreated. He knew it. He said he felt as if I was agreeing with him because he was the Authority figure. He said "Kind of like what a child does with their parent." I didn't say much. He stated he felt like I was hiding. I said, "That's what I do."

I can not get that look out of my head when he was so angry. I wasn't even trying to make him angry...anger scares me so much.

Honestly, I am unsure if I am going back next week. We were doing so good. The session before the last two...we were working on some heavy stuff and it's like nothing has gone right since then.

Puppet:

To answer your question, yes, there have been some things that he has done. In February he asked me about my mother and I told him specifically that I could not talk about that. He approached from another direction, and I stated to him, "Please don't ask me about her...I can't talk about her." He asked me again...and from that point on I have thought, "He is just like everyone else. I tell someone how I feel and they run right over me. He did the same thing. He didn't listen TO ME. He didn't value what I said."

Oh and the kicker was he said, "I guess I should have listened about you not being able to talk about this." I definitely did not want to hear that. I was like, "WHAT?"

Then this whole texting thing...He allowed me to text him and then took it away...He said I could touch base with him...but it's not the same.

I think he is tired of me and within the first five minutes of the last session the anger was visible on his face.

I am trying so hard to open up, to talk and now this.

I can't fault him when I don't communicate. But, it's like I expect him to know. I am not sure why, but I do.

I may take a break this week just to put some distance between us. I understand one week of having an off session, but this has been two weeks and I am trying to understand but I am having trouble.

He knows that when someone hurts me I cut them off. I don't look back. I feel that it is time for me to go. I feel that he wants me to go away.

quote:

I can't fault him when I don't communicate. But, it's like I expect him to know. I am not sure why, but I do

I know the feeling of expecting someone to know what's in your head. I used to expect it a lot from those I am/was closest to. I think it's cause I always am so good at anticipating others needs, and I pick up on emotions so quickly and easily that I kinda get the "sense" of the situation and can better attune myself to meeting their needs. It's an automatic thing I do, and because of it, I want people to do the same for me. I want people close to me to be able to read my mind, anticipate my needs, make my life easier the way I tried to make theirs.

T has actually been very firm with me in the sense that I have to ask specifically for what I want or need. It drives me crazy sometimes, because I know that T knows what I am struggling to say or ask, but we'll sit there in a sputtering silence until I either spit it out, or type it on my phone and hand T my phone to read. I also tend to very much project my feelings on T, when I feel angry about something I need to share, I assume T is angry.

The writing things out is really helpful, I do it often, especially when I've got something big to say and know that I'll freeze when it comes time to open my mouth. Once T reads it, I know she'll know how to prompt and what not because the big "secret" is no longer secret, since she read what was in my head.

Good luck with this TAS, my guess is you're starting to hit the deep stuff, hence the reason to cut your losses and run. I encourage you to stick it out, write it out, and see what happens.