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((((POPPET))))
Want to talk about it?
I am a doormat but whether or not I feel like one is a different question.
Want to talk about it?
I am a doormat but whether or not I feel like one is a different question.
((((Poppet))))
It's all about firmly applying your own personal boundaries isn't it? So that people know where they stand with you; that way you don't get pushed around so much. I know you've been struggling recently and maybe you've inadvertantly let those boundaries slip a little.
I think you hit the nail on the head in your post. People DO respect those with firm boundaries.
You are NOT a doormat; so try not to let others treat you like one.
It's all about firmly applying your own personal boundaries isn't it? So that people know where they stand with you; that way you don't get pushed around so much. I know you've been struggling recently and maybe you've inadvertantly let those boundaries slip a little.
I think you hit the nail on the head in your post. People DO respect those with firm boundaries.
You are NOT a doormat; so try not to let others treat you like one.
(((poppet)))
i dont know if i have any advice... i have the same problem!
in trying to deal with it, i have read two books, the first one was good in some ways as it had practical steps to being more assertive, but it was also kinda silly and i'm not sure if i really believe in it. read the reviews and see if it sounds helpful? the second one, i can't quite remember much at the moment, i found it good but i dont think i took anything practical from it, maybe it was too hard to take anything in.
WHen I say No i feel guilty
http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-S...7no%27+i+feel+guilty
The disease to please
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diseas...he+disease+to+please
sorry to be giving you books to read... shows how much i know about being assertive..... if any of them look mildly interesting, let me know and i'll have a look again to remember more about them.
puppet
i dont know if i have any advice... i have the same problem!
in trying to deal with it, i have read two books, the first one was good in some ways as it had practical steps to being more assertive, but it was also kinda silly and i'm not sure if i really believe in it. read the reviews and see if it sounds helpful? the second one, i can't quite remember much at the moment, i found it good but i dont think i took anything practical from it, maybe it was too hard to take anything in.
WHen I say No i feel guilty
http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-S...7no%27+i+feel+guilty
The disease to please
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diseas...he+disease+to+please
sorry to be giving you books to read... shows how much i know about being assertive..... if any of them look mildly interesting, let me know and i'll have a look again to remember more about them.
puppet
(((Pops)))
We were just talking in group about how hard it is to not only set boundaries but even just to notice them at all, even if they're being run all over.
Anyway, I don't have anything to offer..just lots of safe hugs. I never say no to people even when it hurts or when it's terrifying..so I'm no good at boundaries.
We were just talking in group about how hard it is to not only set boundaries but even just to notice them at all, even if they're being run all over.
Anyway, I don't have anything to offer..just lots of safe hugs. I never say no to people even when it hurts or when it's terrifying..so I'm no good at boundaries.
((((POPS))))
I just said no to someone for the first time in my life: my daughter's soccer coach. I wasn't direct about it. I told someone else to tell him she wasn't going to the game. But I didn't let him pressure me into making her go to the game and ruin family plans. And I went up to him afterward and apologized for not telling him she wasn't going to the game. He was really mad but I just kept saying I was sorry. The next time I saw him, he was all smiles.
I know for me, it's hard to withstand the other persons anger (usually men) when I say no. It's also hard for me to say no even if I don't think the other person will be angry with me but might make fun of me (usually women) for drawing a boundary: "Oh, you're such a priss, you're such a stick in the mud, etc."
Right after I said no to the coach, I said no to a Mom who wanted to have a sleepover party for her daughter the night before standardized testing at school. Actually, I didn't say no. I told her about the testing and she just changed it all on her own. So, my fears of being called names didn't materialize.
But I did have to withstand anger from the soccer coach. That was hard.
Obviously, I still have a lot of work to do in this area but it feels SO good that I even put forth an effort to draw boundaries. If you know in advance that your ex might scream, yell, call you names maybe you can somehow prepare yourself for that and just keep repeating your answer with no further explanation. Pops, it's really hard and it seems like all of us struggle with it.
I just said no to someone for the first time in my life: my daughter's soccer coach. I wasn't direct about it. I told someone else to tell him she wasn't going to the game. But I didn't let him pressure me into making her go to the game and ruin family plans. And I went up to him afterward and apologized for not telling him she wasn't going to the game. He was really mad but I just kept saying I was sorry. The next time I saw him, he was all smiles.
I know for me, it's hard to withstand the other persons anger (usually men) when I say no. It's also hard for me to say no even if I don't think the other person will be angry with me but might make fun of me (usually women) for drawing a boundary: "Oh, you're such a priss, you're such a stick in the mud, etc."
Right after I said no to the coach, I said no to a Mom who wanted to have a sleepover party for her daughter the night before standardized testing at school. Actually, I didn't say no. I told her about the testing and she just changed it all on her own. So, my fears of being called names didn't materialize.
But I did have to withstand anger from the soccer coach. That was hard.
Obviously, I still have a lot of work to do in this area but it feels SO good that I even put forth an effort to draw boundaries. If you know in advance that your ex might scream, yell, call you names maybe you can somehow prepare yourself for that and just keep repeating your answer with no further explanation. Pops, it's really hard and it seems like all of us struggle with it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(((poppet))) I often feel like I must have some sort of mark or glowing sign on me that advertises my vulnerability. The fact that my insurance company is currently doing a lot of the exact same things I grew up with (e.g. abusing power, ignoring laws and rules, twisting reality to say things happened differently than they did) is a prime example and has me super-triggered to the point where I'm actually having anxiety attacks about checking the mail box or even doing laundry (which is in the garage, where the mail slot is).
It's hard to sustain believing I don't deserve it when it happens again and again, but the good, safe people around me remind me that it's really not me. I do feel like having a habit of taking responsibility for other peoples' stuff is some sort of magnet that draws in irresponsible people to dump on me. I'm still trying to figure out the whole boundaries issue myself. Anyway, sorry if this is kind of hard to follow. Mostly, I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you were treated that way in the past and that it still happens now. You didn't deserve it then, never ever did, and you deserve much better now. You are beautiful and lovely. And you're not alone! Lots of love, dear heart. (((hugs)))
It's hard to sustain believing I don't deserve it when it happens again and again, but the good, safe people around me remind me that it's really not me. I do feel like having a habit of taking responsibility for other peoples' stuff is some sort of magnet that draws in irresponsible people to dump on me. I'm still trying to figure out the whole boundaries issue myself. Anyway, sorry if this is kind of hard to follow. Mostly, I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you were treated that way in the past and that it still happens now. You didn't deserve it then, never ever did, and you deserve much better now. You are beautiful and lovely. And you're not alone! Lots of love, dear heart. (((hugs)))
Hi Pops,
Yep I know about being a mug too; but do you know what? I look around at some others in my life and see how they are two faced about their friends, or how they treat or speak to others and I think I would a zillion times be like me and have a muggish tendancies, than to be hard as nails or two faced.
And I know there is a balance between being amenable and being taken for a ride, but better too start soft and try and become more assertive than be hard as nails and have to learn the basics of niceness. Well I agree that it is frustrating that your Ts behave with you in a way they mightn't to others, but first take it as a compliment, then try and think if there are things that you could change to make them perhaps not be so chilled with you!
IDK pops, to me you are pretty perfect
but I am sorry you feel taken advantage of. Believe in yourself and value and listen to what others say about you here and use it as armour to give you more self confidence in those tricky situations.
starfishy
Yep I know about being a mug too; but do you know what? I look around at some others in my life and see how they are two faced about their friends, or how they treat or speak to others and I think I would a zillion times be like me and have a muggish tendancies, than to be hard as nails or two faced.
And I know there is a balance between being amenable and being taken for a ride, but better too start soft and try and become more assertive than be hard as nails and have to learn the basics of niceness. Well I agree that it is frustrating that your Ts behave with you in a way they mightn't to others, but first take it as a compliment, then try and think if there are things that you could change to make them perhaps not be so chilled with you!
IDK pops, to me you are pretty perfect
but I am sorry you feel taken advantage of. Believe in yourself and value and listen to what others say about you here and use it as armour to give you more self confidence in those tricky situations.starfishy