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10 replies

I am taking a long break

T tinaMember
Hello everyone. I have come to a decision to take a break from therapy for a while. Captian my own ship so to speak. I went to see my T yesterday. When I was asking everyone on this forum about hugs, I did have a reason. When I was a child, I was told that even hugs were inappropriate.It was what the bad man does when he wants to have sex with you. The fantasy I had about my T consisted of nothing more than a hug. I fantasized I was getting a hug from her nothing more. However, in my mind, that was bad. So I opened up and told her. I thought we had made a real break through from before and we were okay. She unloaded on me. Very sternly and being very abrasive, she proceeded to say. "Tina I do not become friends with my patients nor do I cross the line with them This behavior is inappropriate and if it continues, it will cause issues with your therapy." I was in shock. All this over a fleeting thought about wanting a safe hug from someone you trust. I looked at her and said. I have no sexual desire for you and I did nothing wrong. She kept at me the whole session bringing up things I had said in the past and giving me negative feedback about it. Well I am Italian and I do get angry. I got up handed her the co pay I owed her and said, "I will not sit here and listen to this abuse another minute." I walked out the door and I will not go back. I trusted her and it tore me apart. I am not yet ready to leave therapy so I am looking for another T but I will be very careful the next time.
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holzholzMember
Well, by the time I got this message I had already had way too much to drink .. and I do't drink much! Who knew taht a P could make me so mad that I would have to drink more in one night than I have drank in a year combined!!! Sheesh, I have been so good for months. I lost almost 60 lbs and tonight I drank drank drank and ate jumbo chocolate bars ate McDonalds and God knows what else .. why? It's her fault! Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to blame anyone for what I do to myself .. I forgot.

Blah blah blah! I'll be in a better form of mind on Friday Smiler
catgirlcatgirlMember
Wow, Tina, it sound like your T completely misread the situation. That's so weird to me that anyone, muchless a T, would have such a strong reaction to someone bringing up the idea of a hug. Sounds like she stepped out of her therapist role and got wigged out about something.

They're not all like that. I've seen 6 therapists, and all of them have asked if I wanted a hug when I left each session. It was no big deal.

Sorry. That sucks.

catgirl
queengreyqueengreyMember
My T is really calm in the face of my weird desires, or admissions. I expected him to really get mad when I told him that I found his profile on myspace but he seemed to take it in stride. But, that is not how he operates. He knows that I know the boundaries -- maybe your T feels that being "adamant" is the best way to lay down the law... I'd ask her about it in the next session. Tell her that you found her reaction to be, as you said, abrasive, and ask how she felt she responded. See if there is a difference in interpretation.
T tinaMember
Thank you all I appreciate it.
I honestly believe that my T thought I had a sexual fantasy about her and I was justifying it by saying it was a hug. I do justify things but I was telling the truth. I just need to breath for a while then I am going to look into a different T. Her and I are just butting heads way to much and we are just not a good fit I think.
J Jo (Guest)
Hey Tina,

I am German so I have a temper too! I think I'd have done the same thing only some other choice words would have come out of my mouth. IN this economy I am sure these Ts feel it when we leave. In fact I saw where my T (the one I just terminated with) is getting together with other Ts to drum up more business in these economically trying times (as they put it)

After reading your T's reaction to your thoughts about hugs I wondered if she was not attracted to you and it threatened. Reguardless she did NOT handle that very well. If anything a bit of compassion would have been called for even if she were to refuse a hug. I have a policy of my own and I will not see a T who will not give hugs. I should just ask before I even step in the office of the new T. Get it over with.

I like this new crowd here. You guys remind me of VIOLA ~~~ ME! lol
itshardtosayitshardtosayMember
Hi Tina,

Your therapist is a jerk. How else can I say it?
How could she miss what you were saying that flagrantly? Maybe some of her own stuff was intruding on the moment?

Therapy can offer the most amazing healing moments if the therapist is attuned...and how many of us still carry that unmet childhood need of a caring hug? A simple safe hug can be the most healing and safe experience and can really enhance a therapeutic relationship. Maybe if this woman had done her own work, she'd be able to understand the simple but deep, young, and easily repaired need you were expressing....whew, makes me really angry to hear how you were treated.

There are so many really good and experienced therapists out there. I'm sorry you had to suffer this.
Asking for a hug is normal and pretty common in therapy. I guess the therapist's response would depend on their treatment approach and understanding of and comfortableness with boundaries....asking for a hug was the hardest thing I'd ever done up to that point with my therapist and it was very healing to have my need met. Remember, a therapist can only take you as far as they've gone themselves.

I wish you all the best.
T tinaMember
Thank you all.
I aprriciate your support. My T has been a T for thirty plus years and has around seven years to retirement. I do not mean to be rude, but I think she is burned out and should start thinking about retirment. She is very set in her ways and does not like to bend. She mentions boundaries a lot. I have trouble setting boundaries but I do not cross other peoples boundaries. I have a past with married women. I have never persued them or crossed that boundary. They wanted to go out with me and they asked me so I dated them. It was as my mind saw safe and I could not get hurt. My T also brought up my issues with married women as if I were persuing her because she is married. When she was talking about my so called inapropriate behavior, she used one of her sex offenders as an example and some other guy who goes home at night and sometimes goes by the video store and rents porn. He watches it then goes around peeping in windows. I sat there in shock. Can you imagine how I was feeling. I said to her "I am not one of your sex offenders that preys on women, nor do I watch porn and peep in windows, nor do I engage in elaborate sexual fantasies about women. I couldnt wait to get out the door. I have found another T that I have spoke at legnth to and she is very ubderstanding and very compassionate. So I am going to go see her after I take a break for a while.

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