Just a short note and update on today's session. I have been thinking of asking T to read a book to me and I mentioned this in my last thread about love. I thought that Christmas would be a good time to ask and I chose The Night Before Christmas for him to read. I sent him an email over the weekend to give him a heads-up on this so he would not be totally caught off guard.

I told him in the email that I would like to bring in a poem for him to read. Okay... I didn't say read to ME and I didn't tell him what poem. When I got there I sat on the floor and had the book in my purse (I have a HUGE purse LOL). We chatted about work and about Friday's tragedy in CT and then I got brave and began to talk to him about my childhood and how no one ever read books to me. In fact, it's really surprising how much I love books and love to read because I was never really supported in this. I had very few books, a few given to me by family or family friends and books we had in school for reading class. I treasured the few books I had and read them over and over again.

And so I talked this over with my T and then I asked if he could read me a book that I brought. He asked for the book and I pulled it out. He smiled when he saw it and took quite a few minutes just looking through the book. It happens to have really gorgeous illustrations. It's my son's book. Anyway, I got nervous and said to him it was okay, that he didn't have to do it and I undestood. We had also talked about the developmental stages that I didn't have the chance to go through in a normal way and I thought this would help me. So, he said that he was gonna tell me something that I was not going to like. I hate when he says that.

So I said okay just tell me. He said he would read the book to me but first... I had to read the book to HIM and to my child part. He said SHE is the one who really wants to be read to and he thought it was good if we both read to her. He said it was sad that no one ever read this book to me and not only that... it should have been read to me EVERY Christmas Eve as a child. He said he always read this to his daughter (that is always hard for me to hear about) and he was sorry that I had missed out on that.

I told him that I did not know if I could read it out loud. He asked why and I told him because I was not sure I could get through it. It was hard to talk at that point and I was really scared. So I began to read and I kept looking up at him from time to time and he said I didn't need to look at him but to FEEL and HEAR the story being read to "her" and he wanted me to take my time so I could also look at the pictures. This was SO hard but I did my besst and even cracked a joke halfway through.

When I was done he told me I did a great job and he wanted me to bring the book back on thursday and he would read it to me. He said it would be even closer to Christmas. He also said I picked a great book to do this with and he would be happy to read it to me. It was the end of the session and I was feeling really shaky. He reminded me that I did a good thing and that he didn't want me to leave and later start feeling scared or upset. He shook my hand warmly and rubbed my arm with affection. I so wish I could hug him. It's hard to just stand there when he does that.

And so... I had planned to give him his Christmas card and the letter I wrote to him on Thursday but now I think I will wait until after he reads to me. I wish I could record his voice but I would be too afraid to ask and I'm pretty sure he'd say no so I will just have to keep it in my memory.

I finished the letter and I'm scared about giving it to him. I told him that I have come to love him and that it's a miracle that I was able to do this after oldT's damage to me. In the past, whenever I've told someone how I feel about them it has ended badly. So, this feels like a huge risk that it will change, damage or end the relationship that means so very much to me. But I have to tell him. The feelings are so big they are bursting out of me.

So wish me luck and say a prayer all goes well on Thursday.

Hugs
TN