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I blew it... (Update: ...or maybe not, T replied)

yakusokuyakusokuMember
T has been pushing me harder, confronting me. I didn't want to address something that came out unintended as part of a joke (a dream that we then talked about). I was terrified of sharing and T pushed about what we're there for, what he's working for and hopes I'm working for...and about not listening to those messages that were keeping me from sharing.

We ended up talking about that, or getting stuck on it, for quite a while. I finally settled on that I SHOULD talk about the dream and then T said I had become compliant, and he didn't want to layer darkness upon darkness, giving me a new rule to obey (from him) instead of getting freedom from those old rules that helped me survive a long time ago, but weren't necessary in a safe relationship in the present. So, then I felt...I'm wrong if I share, because I'm just complying (although I did intellectually agree that I should push through and risk to share and experience it being safe). But, I'm wrong to leave it behind, because the point of the work we're doing is to find freedom from these traps and get the buried stuff that influences me to avoid certain aspects of life (relationships, mostly) out into the light of day. I got very stuck.

When we finally got time to approach what I wanted and needed to do, which is working on integrating some attachment stuff that I always disown in his presence, because all I feel when I'm near him and "in charge" is the need to avoid and run. I've had a LOT of stuff surfacing these last couple of weeks about why that is and I really wanted to work on it. And we ran out of time.

I got so...mad. Incredibly. Not at him, really. Maybe because I just didn't or maybe because I can't yet. The internal attack was overwhelming and I couldn't hold his hand while praying, couldn't do a goodbye hug, which are two of our routines, and basically had to get out of there as soon as possible. I said I'd see him Monday, but didn't check on the time. I had some minor bad behavior on my way out to tolerate the anger.

The good news is that I used to go straight to SU whenever I felt angry. While I did feel self-punishing, there was no, "I need to die" in it anywhere. But, I am just so angry about my weakness and cowardice and stuckness. T kept being so compassionate (I had trouble calming out in my car, so I did text him, to let him know what was going on, as I have promised to do). T's compassion just made me angrier, needing his help, his not hating me. Why won't he hate me along with me? Why won't he be on my team?

And I kept pushing him away by being so mean and angry with myself, saying how I deserved such a difficult ending, because it was my fault. And now I have to go through the weekend not knowing if things are OK, or even exactly when my session is. And all I want is to talk to him and know that it is safe for me to have been so angry. And to say sorry it got directed at him, because mostly...

I related at the end, a part of the dream, where I was being attacked by someone who was younger (not weaker, but much younger), who was going to kill me, that I couldn't really fight back. I was trying not to die and trying at the same time not to hurt them. And I just got overwhelmed...when T compared it to my life and especially my childhood...by the unfairness of not having a right to fight. But, there's no one left for me to fight anymore, so I have to fight me. And I don't want to drag T through that experience, making him a witness to something I know causes him pain, because he does care. So I pushed him away.

And he feels so gone.

Sorry if this didn't make any sense.

Cry
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yakusokuyakusokuMember
He won't go, right? I didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to protect him from me.


In case it makes more sense of things, the topic came up, because we were talking about my tiredness and how it relates to always waking up with nightmares, several nights a week. He said he doesn't have nightmares almost at all anymore for a long time, and I made a joke about mine. So, here is the dream:

I was in my late teens in this dream, I think. I'm not sure exactly how I got there, but I was in a large car or limo with some others. In the front area sat this famous writer (not a real one, made up in my head), who was a mentor for the other passengers. In the back, a heavyset, red-haired man in his late 40s. In the middle was myself, and both of us were proteges of the famous writer, and had been taken on because he saw some sort of talent in us (this is the part that made it hard to share with T, because there is an inside rule about not believing good things about ourself).

From behind the red-haired man came a third protege, a young boy. He eviscerated the red-haired man, cutting him through his back and into his stomach with a pair of small scissors and then climbed through him to come at me. He didn't get bloody or anything. When he was coming at me, I realized that although he was trying to kill me, he was a younger child and I didn't want to truly injure him, so I tried to hit him in places that wouldn't cause permanent damage (like his butt, seriously) in order to get him to stop attacking and restrain him. He was trying to stab me and eventually got the scissors around one of my fingers and was trying to cut it off.

While I was wrestling with him, the mentor sat and watched and explained that he felt he had to kill anyone special, anyone with talent. Not so he could be the only one or anything, but it was a need to eradicate it entirely. I get it. There is a rule against being special or valued inside, and in this dream, I was both...special (acknowledged to have skill) and valued (taken on by the mentor). In the dream I managed to escape with a few cuts and my finger somewhat wounded (though not cut off), and then I realized it was a dream and it shifted to a different, more realistic one.

So, I get this dream was important to talk about, but I still felt...so angry for having to do it...for missing out on something else that was much needed.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Anon... I often experience what you did, running out of time just when you feel like you are getting somewhere and getting to what was needed to be done in the session and then time is up. I struggle with this a lot because our sessions are 45-50 minutes and there are times I just get so angry and leave feeling intense hatred at myself for screwing up a session ... again or not saying what was needed and now knowing I have to wait days before I can try to go back and recreate the moment... which is usually impossible.

So like you I can't really get mad at T so I get mad at me and then push him away because... after all... I'm so horrible I don't deserve to have his comfort. As you know I've been pushing T away a lot lately and in the end it does no good. It just makes me feel bereft without him close to me.

I know it's hard but I think you should contact him and you have the perfect reason to... you need to know what time session is. And tell him that you had a bad moment at the end of the session and you need to know if you (you and T) are okay or good. This will help regulate you and get you to the next session.

My thoughts are with you.

Hugs
TN
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((TN))) (((Monte)))

I didn't hear back to my question if things were going to be ok. I know he's probably just in weekend mode (which is very busy in a different way), but I can't help feeling like I broke everything. He gives so much...cares so much...and I'm still so damned scared. It's not fair to him. He'd never purposefully hurt me. It must feel awful to have someone you care about and try so hard to help feel so unsafe they have to cut you off. I'm unfair to him, because people were unfair to me...but that doesn't make it right...just sad.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
I know that, intellectually, Monts, I really do. But, emotionally, I don't think things will feel right again until I can see him face to face or at least hear his voice. I know he is doing me a kindness by allowing me to have those boundaries, even when it means pushing him away. He'll tell me when I'm not helping myself, but he won't forcibly "keep" me, force me to stay connected when I want to retreat. He won't repeat the past. But, sometimes, it would feel so much better if he would just demand, "Stop, don't do that! STAY with me," (not physically necessarily, but not dissociating the connection." I get that he can't really do that, and why, and who knows how I'd react with past violations I experienced...but right now, I guess I'm just feeling I want to be kept. It's my responsibility to keep myself there, though. His part is just being there with me in it. Except, there feels SO far away right now.

Now that the anger has dissipated, I'm getting so depressed. I should be going to exercise today, because I haven't had time for more than twice a week since Boo started school and this week was only once. I should take advantage of opportunity to spend some great time with Boo...or do some chores and errands. All I want to do is just be in bed for hours.

Frowner
yakusokuyakusokuMember
T replied:

"You are still ok. Of course, you don't feel that way right now, because you're bumping into all this darkness, fear, etc., that's been imprisoning you since you were a child. It's coming out into the light and it sounds like it feels pretty awful, but we'll get through this. You won't be abandoned, condemned, judged, rejected or hated as you fear. You are loved. He won't let us down. It's just like the realization of any trauma--it can be stunning and overwhelming in its impact. Sorry you have to pay for the sins of others like this. Frowner "

My first reaction was, "I'm so sorry!" And I am, but I don't know what for. The next was, "...and thank you." And then...his acknowledgement of my pain and my acceptance of his care scrambled my brain and I immediately felt like...my pain is not real or true, just some made up thing. I think it is the word trauma that does it to me the most. Now it feels like I led him down some path...some imaginary suffering I don't really have. I know it's the dissociation, because it's not safe to accept care...but it feels awful to be so confused about whether or not you're injured. I'd say physical injuries are more obvious, but short of a gaping, life-threatening wound, I tend to have the same doubts. I'm so confused...
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hey Anon... sorry you haven't heard back from him yet. I hope you can get outside and do your errands because it truly will help you to feel more in control and if nothing else... it is distracting. I know you are worried and feel scared so of course you want to stay in bed hiding from the world. But you have no reason to hide. You were not bad. You are working very hard to heal and do therapy the best way possible.

My T does firmly tell me to stay with him and sometimes it helps and sometimes it's scary and I may retreat further. Just Thursday he kinda demanded firmly that I open my eyes and look at him. Yikes! But sometimes when these things happen it pushes us around a corner and gets us "unstuck" from a holding pattern we've been in and we then grow further.

I think that putting yourself in T's shoes may help you realize that he is just human like all of us. My T does tell me that when I push him away or get really angry at him he does feel it. He tells me it does not change his feelings ABOUT me and he does not judge but sometimes he can "wince" from my attack because he is only human and he cares about me. He tells me not to stop confronting him and not to worry about him as he will be fine. I think he told me that he feels it so that I can understand that he does care and that I am important to him.

Didn't mean to ramble on about me but just wanted to say don't worry it will be fine once you hear his voice.

Hugs
TN
yakusokuyakusokuMember
Thanks TN, we cross-posted and T did write back. I also got out of the house to exercise and got groceries. I think it will feel much better when I see him Monday and know for sure things are the same. I do know I can affect him, because he cares. My T has only demands I look at him once, during a huge rupture. At the time, it was terrifying, but I'm grateful for it now. He's been slowly pushing me harder to really engage with the safety that is there. It's...so hard...important, but hard.

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