(((Liese)))

I bought an $80 pair of leather boots one time. The evil MIL saw I had something new and demanded to know how much they cost She was nasty about it and. . . I think it was three years before I bought another pair of shoes.

True story.

YES!

Short story - "my" first car (I had one before that, but it was my dad's old car) was a new-to-me awesome little blue beast that I loved. I loved it cause I got to pick it out. Fast forward a few years, my youngest sibling is now driving. My dad wants to pass MY car down, and give me a new one. I couldn't take it. It wasn't right. I didn't deserve a new car. I needed my old, beat up, blue beast.

Fast forward again to the day the blue beast finally died, and I couldn't afford to buy, so I ended up with a lease. Again, I didn't deserve such a nice car (thank you to a sizeable discount) even if it was only for three years. I still didn't deserve it.

Fast forward to now, where I'm only a few months shy from paying off my first car that was actually brand new when I got it. Still makes me sick to think that I have what feels like a really nice car when I don't deserve it.

(maybe that's why it looks like a homeless person lives in it....)

P.S. Try to enjoy it, you DO deserve it!

((Liese))

I have similar feelings I'd say more around accomplishments/gifts than money (even though I def do have shame around purchases for sure!) But I had an experience where my two shames were combined- gifts for an accomplishment. I graduated from a college course and to my absolute horror a few friends put together a surprise party for me. I walked right into it and I know all the color drained from my face!! I put on the best 'OMG this is awesome' smile, while inside I curled up in a ball of shame.
I felt SOOO guilty that they would make a fuss over something I'd done, and I had an overwhelming sense of being undeserving.
I really hope that you will be able to enjoy your car though and remember that you do deserve it!!

AH

Long story short.

I am riding a bike now.

I have the sort of reaction you're describing around money in general, Liese. Spending money on me is often perceived as 'indulgent'. I bought a 4 year old car when I was a student with some loan money and it was probably the nicest thing I ever owned. I got past the obligatory freaking out about it being too good for me by telling myself I needed something reliable (I had glandular fever / mono) and was too sick to walk to classes.

I crashed it horribly on the motorway less than 8 months later and the insurance company wrote it off - it did its job and saved my life but after that I decided that I didn't deserve nice things. I currently drive a 15 year old Honda. When I took it to the supermarket the other day a guy from a hand wash company offered to wash it. He was Eastern European and probably earned very little and I was feeling like a softie, so I said yes. When I came back, he said to me in broken English. "Your car. Ten years, no wash." Which I found utterly hilarious - because it is practically a skip on wheels and I do not look after it, inside or out. I had just given him a rather filthy car to wash.

Now I think on it, my car is a metaphor for me. I perceive time and money spent on me as not being good use of that time or money. I do shower though, honest. I still have a lot of that shame going on. A lot of it is mitigated by being married to a hedonist. We kind of balance each other out mostly, except when I go off the deep end about unnecessary purchases.

I hope you are able to enjoy your car, Liese. Perhaps I will take a dose of my own advice and give mine a vacuum inside.

oh my, Liese. money is a huge, huge issue/trigger for me. it's a very long and painful story on so many levels. long story short: yes, i have experience this and am currently experiencing it to a very heavy degree and the amount of pain this stuff brings up ... i can't even say. i am SO fortunate that i recently started up with T again, because this stuff recently came up again with my FOO and T has been amazingly supportive and helpful. Sorry for the shame and all you're feeling around this, it sucks. you deserve your new car and i hope you can enjoy it the way anybody would. take care. (((Liese)))