I called the T a parrot because he says the same thing to me over and over..."You're appt is on Wednesday at 2 p.m." This is the response I would always get when I would try to cancel.

((HIC)) just talk to her about it and ask... it's okay to apologize (even if they say they are fine, and they may just be). I've called my T really, really, really, really horrible things My T even said "I bet you've called me a (worst word EVER to call a female) before... like 'That stupid ____ hahah'"

My T has said if she's not told to F off at least once a day she's not during her job right... it's okay, I promise...

I often feel like I hurt my Ts too and call.

A wire monkey eh? I must remember that one for the next attack.

I just wanted to say that is the funniest thread title I've read in a long time. I love that you called her that. I think it's hilarious. Sorry if that doesn't help, lol.

hic... I have called my T lots of not so nice things, including... cold, unfeeling, totally uncompassionate, umempathic, etc. He really understood where it was coming from and said he's been called worse. I always apologize to him and then tell him he didn't deserve it and it was that nasty negative transference (from oldT) LOL....

Call and apologize. You will both feel better.

TN

haha! ROTFLMAF!!!!
i don't mean to be insensitive, but that's areally good one! personally, i don't think it's that far off base! haha!
*wipes tears away*
(((HIC))) if you feel bad about it, call her and let her know. maybe she already knows. i'm almost willing to be she's never heard that one before, and is a bit amused? i would be and i'm not even a t! seriously, though ... listen to your feelings and follow up with them. you'll feel better and T will appreciate the apology if she did take offense.
(((HIC)))

Thanks everyone for the responses.

(((everyone)))

Hmm, have to say I was a bit puzzled at the range of replies on this one

from

quote:

actually, i think it's probably about the ultimate in insults.

to

quote:

I love that you called her that.

and everything in between. I've been replaying the session over in my head trying to analyze T's responses in retrospect. I thought I'd add more contextualization here as well.

I had just finished spending the weekend with my mother and it was. . . emotionally intense. I'm fortunate in that I do have a relationship with my mom and it's actually a good one in many ways, only for the vast majority of my life I've very much felt myself in the role of care taker/protector where she is concerned.

I wish I could have a relationship with her more like what I have with T, and so I was in my session sort of feeling, "You are stranger. I don't want you. I want my mother." Only my mother won't or can't provide the things I want in a mothering relationship, things I actually do get from T, at least in a limited way.

It was because of that I dragged in the wire monkey image. There wasn't hostility in the room. I was more sulky and despondent than accusatory or combative. T responded by challenging me on my "black and white thinking", pointed out that I do "get some emotional needs met in this room", and said that "choosing and establishing a healthy, appropriate relationship with a therapist was not a wire monkey."

Idk, I doubt she was deeply insulted but I fear I may have hurt her feelings a little. The comparison implies more dismissiveness and rejection towards the very real nurturing she does provide than I feel or generally want to convey.

Not sure about calling, but I will be bringing it up at my next session.

HIC,
After reading your last post, I wanted to also weigh in. I think calling her a wire monkey was a really apt comparsion considering how you are feeling. My T cares for me, and accepts me (ok loves me) in a way I haven't had before and I am incredibly grateful for all that I have recieve from him but that does not make the loss of not having that from my parents disappear. Sometimes it makes the pain worse in a "you can love me, why couldn't they?" I mean, if I am worthwhile and loveable, then my parents did actually fail me.

The wire monkey cited in those attachment experiments represented the object from which a monkey could get his basic survival needs for food met, but there was still the loss of interaction. So he would feed at the wire monkey but return to the soft, cuddly monkey to fulfill his need for closeness and touch.

I think you calling your T a wire monkey was your acknowledgement that while she does nuture you, its not the same thing as getting that from your parents. That's not mean or attacking, it was just a way of expressing a truth.

If you're worried I would bring it up next session. I have gone back to my T at times about stuff I have said (and he usually responds by telling me that there is no need to be fair in his office and all my feelings are welcome) just to clarify. I think it can be good for the relationship for us to acknowledge that while the relationship is about our needs, there is a person on the other end.

But I just wanted to say I understand where the feeling comes from. I have most definitely been sulky and despondent at times. One thing I love about my therapist is that sometimes when I say "This really sucks!" His response is "It really does." Sometimes, as irrational and unfair as it is, I get angry at my T for NOT being my father.

AG

PS Sorry keep thinking of one more thing I meant to say. A therapist IS second best. They can provide enough for us to heal and live fully, which is no small thing, but its never going to be quite the same as having gotten that when we should have the first time through. That's not something to despair about, but I also don't think its wrong to acknowledge the loss around that.

(((AG)))

Thanks for commenting. Yes, what you are articulating is how I was thinking and feeling at the time. I'm glad you get it. . . I think T did as well, but it seems she disagreed, because she said it was black and white thinking and even stated that getting emotional needs met by someone other than a parent didn't have to be second best (cuz I used that phrase too). Not so sure about that. Maybe T idealizes the work she does a bit?

I've read many people on here talking about feeling that they wished their T was their parent. I don't exactly wish that. . . I suppose my mom is "good enough" to the extent that I just wish she was more like my T rather than the other way around.

At the same time, what T is doing with me is very much re-parenting, amongst other things. She has said as much, and uses that phrase somewhat frequently. That's how I experience the relationship as well. I think I have some guilt feelings about that, like it's a betrayal of my real mom. I also know T has her own daughters that of course mean more to her than I ever will, so. . . part of me wants to keep things even by letting her know it works both ways! "Don't kid yourself, honey, I've got my own mother." Ehh, so maybe there actually is a touch of hostility there. Or is it just a self protective measure? Idk!

Next session should be interesting.

I waited till the last quarter of the session to bring it up.

I said, "Oh, I felt a little bad about the wire monkey comparison last week."

T laughed.

Then I said, "I thought maybe it was a little. . . dismissive?"

T, "I think I told you at the time that it seemed like black and white thinking. There might be room for some more gray shades in there."

Me (a little awkwardly) "Well, I'm sorry about. . . that."

T laughed again.

Then there was a long pause and eventually I changed the subject. I take it from this that she probably was insulted after all? Or maybe that she just didn't want to let me know either way? It is hard to say. Why was she laughing? What was so funny? Meh, I tried to open the subject but it's like she didn't bite. I didn't want to go demanding she explain her feelings, either, so. . . I dunno.

I have better things to do than beat my brains out trying to analyze T. But if anyone wants to offer their take on this last exchange, that's cool.