...i feel so disconnected. it is like, i don't want to participate in my life, because i am scared of something. i vaguely think i am scared of my true feelings, one, being, i don't know if i really "love".

i pretend. i do the right things. but, it all feels like pretending to do what i should do.

do i really love anyone?

would i really let myself 'go' that freely to love anyone?

and, i don't know how to say this. but, my presence here is a pretence.

really, i do care about people. but, i have to say, y'all are an escape from reality.

i have this really wwwweeeiiiirrrrddd thing. i feel like i want to shut everyone off. i don't intend to hurt anyone here. i am just speaking from the heart. i feel like i need to eliminate anything in my life that is 'not real'. and live with what is real. i am afraid, somewhat to say this, but i think i have to end this. there is a part of me that hates this place. not the people, but, i so often peak at my threads, and no one responds. i try to help others....IS it sincere?

on the surface, i love everyone. people have helped me, and i know so many people are hurting, just like me.

but, too often, i just feel hurt that i am not important. (and please don't tell me i am, it would not ring true right now).

i am sure everyone has felt this way. so, if you are bristled by my abruptness, first, consider if you have felt that way, too.

i just feel i am turning a corner, and am not sure what is really on the other side. BUT, i have a husband i ignore TOO often. i have kids that so often i am afraid to get close to. for fear i will find that they are depressed, just like i was at their age.

so, to prevent my anxiety at facing some of these real issues in my life, i escape, into here, into 'theory of psychology', into so many places, that, inevitably will not prove rewarding at the end of my years.

what will prove rewarding, is, to be present for my life.

i hope no one personalizes this. really, it is 'the mass' here, that i am, unconsciously, MAD AT. and when i really try to analyze it, it is not the people, it is the IDEA of this, that i KNOW is an escape from reality. and i am displacing my anger at myself for my own escape ONTO the people of the forum. so, the adult sees that, the child is mad. mad that i am not important.

please understand that.

maybe i shouldn't even share my thoughts about this, i guess i do, in that, maybe someone else can be helped by it. my masochistic/charitable confusion.

a part of me doesn't want anyone to respond to this. a large part.

in analyzing that, i guess, if no one responds to my departure, it will help prove my theory that i am not important, and am right to leave.

and, also, what can anyone say that the critic in my won't just think as trite.

geez, with poor preppie girl's death, i don't know. something changed. i can't figure out what. it just makes me not want to be here. not want to care about things that...idk...i can't figure out my thoughts here.

anyway.

i think the best thing for me to do is leave, wish everyone well, and ask...

you know what it is. i want to trainwreck this place for me, so that i CAN'T come back. i feel like the only way i can have control of not spending so much time here, is to tarnish my reputation so that i am too ashamed to come back.

but, when i talk to y'all more easily and deeply than i talk to my husband, something is wrong.

gosh, i wish i could make y'all not respnd to me. nothing anyone could say could make me happy. other than assurance that no one likes me. that would prove me right. i LIKE to be hurt.

a martyr??

why, i must ask.

is being sad and depressed the only way i feel 'authentic'?

or maybe i am just fishing to see if anyone cares.

but, really, i come, i go...life goes on for everyone.

one day, i am going to have to realize the insignificance of me, and that i just matter to those closest to me, and that i need to focus my attention on what really matters.

honestly, i am blowing out this stuff, not wanting to hurt anyone, really, not even unconsciously in my adult self. who knows about the kid, i think she always wants to hurt others as she is so hurt...so, for her, i can't be responsible, only recognize that about her, know where it comes from, try my best to not act upon it. and, let the adult do the decisions.

so what does that mean here??

'post now' or 'delete?'

dilemma.

i think, post now, and run.

old patterns, yes.

throw the bomb, and run for cover.

why???

what is my 'win'??

why do i do this...self sabatouge??

i just think i want to leave, and i know if i don't 'finalize' things, i will keep it open.

i am leaving, i won't come back.

it is not y'alls 'fault', i just know i spend too much time here. i want to hate you all. i don't, i hate myself for spending so much time here and working to develop friendships that really, i can't count on my fingers as friends. that sounds cruel, and i don't mean it cruel, but, i am sure you DO understand.

i have faces staring at me in my own house.

i need to attend to THEM.

i need to quit escaping my own life. THAT is the anxiety i have.

so, i guess, i am leaving. no big 'ta da'. but, i am leaving to pursue my life...to 'get back into it'. so, it is a good thing.

i am not angry with you all. it is ALL projection.

y'all have taught me alot.

i wish you all the best of times, many of you, and you know who you all are, have been quite special to me. maybe, too special. and that beckons me to look at this a bit differently.

i guess it is progress.

i am sure not ending therapy, but, i am cutting one tie.

you never know with me, i may be back tomorrow. but, i am going to TRY going without you all.

i am going to try to let go, and move more fully into my reality.

so.

thanks, all. i hope i have brought some laughs and support to y'all. you certainly have to me.

i know you understand. thanks for letting me voice this anger i feel, and understand it's source.

...there is nothing, not even a t, more patient than cyber space, BEFORE you press POST NOW.

so, thanks for letting me air this out. for letting me think it through.

it is spreading my wings. i may circle back to this nest. but, i think it is time to try it.

xxoo, jill