I can't grieve and it hurts!!!

yakusokuMember

Am dealing with some really awful stuff right now. Just after sharing one really bad thing, another has come up and it is so unbelievable, it feels like it will annihilate who I am. I am feeling constantly on the verge of tears, but it's like there is this membrane between me and my grief and I can't get it out, so it is stuck as this pressure behind my eyes and at the corner of my mouth and in my chest and deep in the pit of my stomach, but I can't let it out. It's like I am experiencing excruciating torture just below the surface, but the actual surface is completely numb...and of course that leads to some bad inclinations to help either get those feelings out or bury them back down, anywhere but this in between place. It's like having to sneeze or throw up for hours on end and you just can't. My head is throbbing from it. How do I connect the rest of the way to this stuff so I can actually grieve? What if I am just incapable of doing that? Once you've learned not to experience yourself so deeply, once you've learned that it is utterly unsafe to even care about your own feelings and experiences...how do you unlearn that? I don't want to keep talking about things that hurt so badly if I can't go through the process I need to connect, grieve and move on...

It's like I'm running into a house that's on fire to save someone, except I can never find them, so I just keep burning myself for no reason whatsoever, running out for air, and going back in again. Soon, I'll be left with no skin, and I still won't have rescued anyone.

10/5/1111:21 AM

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unbrokenMember

((Yaku))

I can feel the pain in what you wrote, and am so sorry that you are suffering so much. Your post brought tears to my eyes.I hope that you find some relief soon, and are able to properly grieve the experiences that are causing you this pain.

I understand the need to grieve, but it wont connect. I had been told that crying was bad. I had to be strong. SO, for the longest time, tears wouldn't come. After a lot of convincing from T and hubby, the tears finally fell.

But, it is very hard to unlearn what we have so ingrained in us from our pasts.

I wish I had more wisdom to offer, or I could wave a magic wand and take this pain away. ((HUGS))

10/5/1111:28 AM

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lieseMember

((((YAKU))))

I've had that head thing. Did anything happen to bring it on? Is there any way you can calm yourself down? Can you take some xanax? I always forget about my xanax. You will get through this. Just a little at a time. What does shrinklady call it again? Oh, yea, Titration.

(((((HUGS)))))

10/5/111:47 PM

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yakusokuMember

(((Broken))) (((Liese)))

Thanks for the hugs and support.

Broken, if you ever do find the magic wand, let me know!

Liese, I had a session last night and stuff I wasn't expecting to share (wasn't sure I was ready to "go there" and consider it) came up pretty forcefully. I was OK at the end of the session, but this morning, I was in an internal battle about what can and can't be true (I get in those a lot, obviously), so I think that was the trigger. I actually don't have any meds whatsoever. I met with the pdoc three times and both she and I decided that I probably can manage without them and will probably do therapy work better without. But, once I was able to sleep (during Boo's nap), that helped a lot. Usually, if I can hit even a short REM cycle, it kind of reboots my brain. Trade off is horrible, awful, terrible nightmares most times, today not excepted. But, I've been having those half the week anyway, so at least now my head doesn't hurt and I don't feel like I'm about to lose it at any moment, not stuck on that about to cry sort of feeling...just kind of numb and tired.

10/5/115:06 PM

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lieseMember

(((YAKU))))

So glad you are feeling better. And even without any meds. I've had those internal battles too and they are brutal. Wow, you can actually feel the fighting going on, right? I haven't had one in a while though. But now I get the head thing. Although definitely less intense since it started.

10/5/115:56 PM

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blackbirdMember

((((((yaku))))))) I have no words, I haven't had anything like that experience, but it sounds truly horrendous to go through, and I am very sorry to hear of your pain. I hope that you will have some long respite from it. Wishing you peace, and peace..

hugs,

BB

10/5/1110:14 PM

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forgetmenotMember

(((Yaku)))

quote:
I am feeling constantly on the verge of tears, but it's like there is this membrane between me and my grief and I can't get it out, so it is stuck as this pressure behind my eyes and at the corner of my mouth and in my chest and deep in the pit of my stomach, but I can't let it out

I'm so sorry to hear about how you are feeling Yaku. It must be so uncomfortable for you. Perhaps it is to do with overwhelming anxiety about what went on? Perhaps you are entering depression in new ways because of what went on. Your body cannot process it all at once? It might be trying to go into 'numb' mode. You might be having to deal with a lot more than you are perceiving and as a result, you are going into some sort of 'mode' to be able to handle the feelings..

I am very sure that you will let them out in the future, when you are ready. I feel for you Yaku. Wish I could get the magic wand for ya.