Yaku
I'm so very sorry that you are in this place, I have had similar thoughts recently so can really understand where you are coming from, I mean that sincerely.
I don't know what to say to you to make it better, except hang on tight, easier said than done I know. There are others on here who probably 'know' you a bit better than me, but trash does not write those posts of yours I have read and learnt from, your insight and willingness to share your journey has helped me more than you possibly can know right now. The last line of your post tugs at my heartstrings, Yaku...your daughter comes not from trash but from a courageous, insightful human being who has been through much but continues to try and try again
JMBx

Yaku,
You were created by the One, and were not meant to be treated as you were. Christ said it would be better to tie a millstone around your neck and throw yourself into the ocean than to harm a child. He loves and cherishes you because He created you to be who you are.

And when He hung on the cross and took upon himself all the sins of the world, He held what was done to you. I believe what you have been through causes Him to grieve. The truth is that you are of infinite worth, but have been taught lies.

You said that you look at your beautiful daughter? There is no difference between you, you were the beautiful daughter but were not cherished and treated as you should have been, as you are treating your daughter.

I have felt like trash, I have felt like a refuse bin in which my father dumped all his rage and shame. I believed that I was repulsive and evil and that any person who got to know me enough will turn away in disgust. But it wasn't true. And it's not true about you. And I know it feels hopeless and like you'll never get there, but you can heal. You're doing what you need to heal and there will be a far side to despair where you will be able to see your own worth. I am so very sorry for how you're feeling about yourself.

(((((((((Yaku)))))))))))

AG

far from trash you are Yaku!

I know, this might not help right now but I love your being on the board. You sound like an awesome person who is strong and tries her best, and I bet you do I've been fortunate to get to know you so far and hope to more so in the future.

You just got dealt a shitty hand but that does not validate a fate that this is what you deserve. Every human being deserves kindness and goodness, it might just take a little while for us to get out of pained shells and extent our hands out to trustworthy people too. And you are already in that process. It's a glitch I reckon you'll get through.

I'm sorry if I've been no help here or what not. The furthest I feel is indiffernece and I guess, I'm in state of 'no reality' myself. Don't really have a plan or a way to do things, life, its all confusion. I'm in the midst! So I'm sorry if my words are a bit boring or what not.

((Yaku)) You'll be okay. Were all here for ya! xxx

(((((Yaku))))) I feel your pain and have tears for your deep hurting.

((((JMB)))) Thank you for understanding where I'm at and also for all the lovely things you said about me. It can be really hard to take in, but it means a lot, even when I can't see it in myself, that others can see a value there. Even if it's just reinforcing my ability to question the intrinsic unworthiness I feel is inside.

((((AG)))) I know that you have felt exactly what I am feeling right now and it blesses me so much that you have shared your journey on here, because when it feels hopeless, like there is no way through, no other side, I don't have to look far to find someone who can tell me otherwise. Thanks for reminding me how I am being carried and held and the eternal proof of my value in having someone sacrifice for me in that way. Sometimes, the whole Father in heaven message gets lost on me, because my image of a parent (or rather, being a child of anyone) is so skewed. But, when I think of it from the perspective of a mom, of course I understand. What was done for me shouts and sings my value out loud to all of creation. It can be hard to feel it, to know it in that deep, internal way...but I am at least trying to know it enough to question the lies I was fed.

((((FMN)))) Nothing you said was boring and it was helpful. Whether or not the struggle is exactly the same, being terribly confused as a result of old things that seem to have an invisible, yet unshakeable grasp on us is a common thread. That you would send hugs and thoughts and just your very confidence that I will get through it means so much.

((((Cipher)))) Thanks for the hugs empathy. I am sorry to have caused pain and tears, but appreciate you feeling so deeply for me.

((((Echo)))) It is so hard for me, because I know the things you say are true and right, but on the other hand, something in me keeps excusing the bad stuff, like they didn't know or didn't believe it could be true or maybe I've got it all wrong inside. But the more recent stuff is undeniable and I think most of this comes from, somehow, I've gotten at least, for sure (dismissing the stuff from when I was very little that I am nearly certain about) three people who have violated me in a similar way, to varying degrees, whether purposefully or not. Add to that another one from my early childhood I am now almost certain of and a couple of others I can't let myself believe. It just seems so impossible for something like that to happen over and over again...unless it is my fault. But I know, it is because if it is my fault, then I was bad, but not helpless. Being bad, you know, is less horrifying than being helpless. But, if I was helpless, you're right, it was because the people who were supposed to take care of me couldn't be bothered or were just too broken themselves and maybe they can't admit it for shame or maybe they are so wrapped up in their own stuff that they can't even see it. I don't know. I don't know why I'm wondering all this stuff out loud. Most of all, I just need to hang onto that beautiful child of mine. I can't imagine ever doing even some of the lesser stuff that I know happened from the neglect and emotional abuse without hating myself. And these kids inside had worse than the stuff I actually remember. So, it's no wonder they feel like trash, because that's how they were treated. But, there isn't a child in the world who deserves to be called trash. Funny, only keeping them dissociated and making them not-me allows me to be compassionate toward them. I'm not sure how to work through that dilemma. Anyway, thanks for the hugs and advice and for always having my back!

Lots of love and hugs to you guys. You helped me get through a very tough day. I need to do something about this stuff, not because it is my fault, but because I am not helpless and I can't afford to behave like I am. It's not fair to the ones who got stuck, because they really WERE helpless. I need to be brave for them, I think. I'm still learning how. Hopefully, I can have patience with myself in that.

Yaku,

I am not sure what to say because I don't understand what you are experiencing, but I did just want to offer my support and hugs. I am sorry that you are hurting and struggling. (((((yaku))))) I hope things look better for you soon.

Yaku

Sorry it is so hard at the moment. I know you are not trash, and I liked the bit where you said

quote:

the whole Father in heaven message gets lost on me, because my image of a parent (or rather, being a child of anyone) is so skewed. But, when I think of it from the perspective of a mom, of course I understand.

So maybe try and see yourself how the Eternal Mother would see you. That energy would love you and always has loved you. Always. Cherished you and wept for the pain you are in and have been in.

If you can think of that MYstery of LOve And Being as the MOther, and it helps,

GO FOR IT!

I have a statue of Kwanyin, the female embodiment of Compassion that looks very like the statue of Our Lady. I have another Kwanyin who is sitting crosslegged but again looks so loving and kind and I could just imagine crawling into her lap and having a cuddle and feeling loved at last. And we are sort of living out Kwanyin in our daily lives as mothers too.

More

Echo:

quote:

you just want to shove away again and cant because of the constant chatter going on in your head....people dont realise thats its a constant thing.........you dont know who you are.. because they influence so much, you dont know what is real because the derealisation is so horrendous all the time and you dont recognise the world you should do, you dont feel real becuase of the constant severe depersonalization and you dont know who the heck you are....and identity confusion.well.....when you have parts pushing you from behind influencing your thoughts and actions, you believe you are that way.how can you not......there is a constant battle between good and evil , right and wrong, personalities, wants and dislikes, all different and they can change like the wind, its scary and confusing

Wow, this is exactly what I go through! I get SO easily influenced by the people I meet. Does that mean that I go through derealization because if so, then its been for a very long time . I've often had dreams of living in a place where it's just nature around me because then there is nothing to define me. No society, people, places. And nature has happened to be the only 'truth' that I can yield to without become confused.

I questioned whether I have elements of DID but I'm unsure. All I know is that I am not consistent with myself. Sometimes I want to be this person or that person because they look so awesome or have characteristics but then I say to myself 'but this isn't you'. It's such a pull though. I can't explain. I see a person or celebrity or whatever and it could be as small as a movement and I'm hooked and I take it on. I have bad memory but I don't have parts as such with separate memories. I've sometimes thought that what if I let completely go, what will happen? I just don't know. I'm starting a part-time degree course in Psychology next week and I wonder if it's because of my T's influence, even though I do have a passion for Psychology. But all in all, nothing has been consistent for me in terms of 'me' for a very long time. Since 14 or 15 jumps with career ideas, what I want to look like, always changes. I've relaxed more now but I've also become more reclusive and my mood is on a consistent sort of low.

Whats even more annoying is that tomorrow, I might not agree with what I'm writing here. Lol! My opinion or view on myself might have changed. And it changes quick depending on my emotion at the time usually.

Gosh, you've made me think a lot all of a sudden. I'm going to put these new thoughts to T soon. You put it so well I get so confused with just..everything. Who am I? Sometimes I feel like a teenager and sometimes a kid and sometimes my age but hardly my age. I just don't know and your so right about this constant chatter. My god, my mind just goes on and on and on and I just don't get it. I cried in session a little yesterday about it. T said 'So, what are you crying for at this moment?' and I replied 'Because I just don't understand. I'm trying to understand myself but there's no answers. It gets tiring for me'.

(((Hugs to all))) who goes through this because as you say Echo, it is tiring and it is confusing and bewildering.

Identity problems are absolutely constant with me so much so that I don't wear anything that 'defines' me anymore. No patterns on my clothes, no clothes fashion or styles that identifies with any style because if I do, I get super confused as to what I'm doing and who I'm 'meant to be'. So 'neutral' wear is best for me.

And for so many years I've wanted to be 'free' of all this.

I hope that we can all, within time, get through this because I wouldn't wish it on anyone, this struggle.

Yakusoku,

quote:

And then I get to hear, over and over, how I'm lying about how bad it was, because of course there was good too. And unless the bad happened every moment of every day, my wounds are unjustified, so they must be imagined.

So, those are my alternatives right now, it feels. Either I am not even human, not deserving of the love and protection I had the audacity to aspire to...or every bit of my pain is just some fantastic lie I've made up and I am a human, after all, but of the more despicable variety.

Sometimes I get angry that it is the ones who have been through so much already, that are willing to face what happened in the past and make changes, that must carry the burden for themselves AND those that chose denial.

I have a pretty strong sense of justice and sometimes I wish I could be the avenger for everyone.

But we do our best. Good posts here that have me thinking. You are NOT trash!!!

Forgetmenot:

quote:

Identity problems are absolutely constant with me so much so that I don't wear anything that 'defines' me anymore. No patterns on my clothes, no clothes fashion or styles that identifies with any style because if I do, I get super confused as to what I'm doing and who I'm 'meant to be'. So 'neutral' wear is best for me.

And for so many years I've wanted to be 'free' of all this.

On the lighter side...There are characters I decided to understand in movies- that I could ID with in small ways. (I understand that it is Hollywood, but it helps)

Jason Bourne was one-(what would I do if I could remember NONE of my past? Hmmmmm.... and I think the characters from Boondock saints,(my avenger fantasies and Jet Li movies... all wear a lot of black. I wear a black shirt, jeans, shoes that I can run in, and a black peacoat much of the time. Neutral, functional, and easy. I spend more time studying and observing my environment than trying to be fashionable. I kind of go with this, it's fun.

On the more philisophical side..
These also sound in some ways like perfectly "normal" (what is that anyway! ) existential questions (for some spirituality or religion can enter as well)

It sounds like you (all of the posters here) are intelligent and are interested in a lot of things. (me too!) Maybe your studies will help you "connect the dots".

Not diminishing what you are saying at all, especially if it feels so uncomfortable. But perhaps there is a different way of looking at this as well. Perhaps you are excellent at seeing things from all perspectives instead of adhering to one particular dogma. Perhaps you may become more comfortable with uncertainty and paradox than most people. Perhaps those are good skills for a T to have, the ability to see things from so many perspectives. And that is still YOU, isn't it?

Just pondering. Maybe I'm way off. Got me thinking as well, I certainly do not have it all figured out yet!

Who ARE we?

number9: What food for thought! Thank you so much.

As I child I was academically and creatively able which tends to confuse things for me.

I think I am trying to fit into a place. Something solid that I have with me. Perhaps something to define who I am, but you have an interesting point about perspectives.

I have always been the type to see things from many different perspectives and ponder too and perhaps I could work on becoming more comfortable with this instead of seeing it as a threat of discontentment.

Lately I think I'm relaxing my fears of not knowing where I am going. At least I'm trying not. The fear of material failure has been there and been so prevalent which explains why I can become arrogant when I achieve something. My grades were more important than love.

WHO ARE WE?

Good question. Were always moving. Maybe society's mistake is to define us in places that are meant to be permanent but never are. Not really.

Is part of it "just" being overwhelmed? Is it internal or external or both?

More questions

Owf, I'm not sure. I partly believe so. I don't think a human being can measure contentment by the going ons of they're own inner lives without being affected by the outer too.

I tend to believe that compassionate people would periodically feel overwhelmed by both the unfairness of suffering but also the beauty of our goodness too. I think that follows sort of a Kant philosophy; recognition of both the beauty and horror of our human nature.

Just wanted to say, I appreciate the continued responses. Sorry I can't respond to everyone right now. I'm having a really hard time being on the OF and with this stuff being out here for some reason, but I do genuinely appreciate everyone's participation and support. Sorry for being a bit nutty right now. Love to you lot!

Hi Yaku, sorry I'm late to this thread but I wanted to offer you some hugs and compassion for what you are dealing with. I think you are very strong and brave to look at these things and face down so many fears. I think you are doing great work with your kind T and you have come so far. I know you are in a lot of pain right now and I'm hoping things will get easier soon and you will be able to let go of the pain and begin to heal.

Please know that we all see you as a kind, compassionate, lovable person who is always there to offer help and support. You are a good mother to Boo and she needs you. You are gettiing healthy for you and for her so you can enjoy life to the fullest with her. You are not and never will be defined by what others have done to you but by how bravely you are facing things and working with your T. You should be proud of you because I am!



TN

Hey Echoes, Don't worry darl, you take all the time you need to process stuff, it's okay Big hugs to you. You'll be okay hon. xx

((((YAKU))))



((((ECHO))))



HUGS to both and everyone who needs one,

Liese

(((YAKU)))

I just wanted to send you a hug! You are a special person and I am glad to have met you here. I'm sorry for your pain. I look at my beautiful children and wonder how my parents could have ever harmed me, too.

Thank God we can end this cycle NOW with our own beautiful girls!

Hugs and Love to you Yaks!

.

(((everyone)))

Thanks for the continued support and glad others are getting a lot out of this discussion. I am sorry I can't respond individually right now. It is all I can do to not delete my stuff out of this whole thread right now. I keep trying to write stuff and deleting it after spending like 10-15-20 minutes writing it out, so I have given up trying. I don't know what's wrong with me right now. Anyway, I did want to at least thank you all for the hugs and encouragement and kind, warm thoughts and words. Love,

Yaku

((((Yaku))))

Please don't worry about anyone here and please take good care of yourself.

I so wish I could be of assistance to you who are going through SO MUCH!!! x heaps

Continuing to feel all the love from you guys. Trying not to have my usual self-loathing reaction for getting myself noticed and having comfort.


Awww, Echs, it wasn't necessary to move anything. I didn't feel bad for the discussion and find it informative and like if anything I'm involved in helps somebody, but it was sweet of you to think of that anyway. Lots of hugs!