((((AH)))))

I totally relate to everything you said. It's very hard to understand these T's and why they do what they do. It's really sad.

I feel the same way you do about not wanting to trust. You are right to be guarded even though your new t sounds nice. She needs to earn your trust.

The good news is, according to Sue Elkind, subsequent therapy situations don't tend to be as intense as the first one that is so intense.

Wish I could take away your pain.

(((AH)))

I haven't been hurt by a T, but I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I told my T a while back that my abuse occurred at the moment I felt most seen by, and most connected to, my abuser. Unfortunately, the pattern continued with many male figures in my life. I realized the other day that if I allow myself to form an emotional attachment with my T, he would represent the first older male I've ever had a significant relationship with who didn't want something sexual in return.

That effing terrifies me beyond belief.

I've had a couple of moments in therapy where my words and feelings came from a young place. It is very scary finding yourself in such a vulnerable state. I don't have any words for that, other than "I can relate."

I'm a bit surprised that your new T is starting so soon with inner child work. It must be a specialty of hers, or something she sees as immediately needed. My T has tried to begin inner child work with me once, but I wasn't ready and shut down during the session. I know it's on the horizon for me, probably closer than I'd like to admit; I just have to settle a couple of other things first.

We're having to do more grounding, too, because this sh*t is about to undo me.

It sounds like your new T is extremely skilled and compassionate. But I totally understand the trust issue. Take the therapy as slow as you need to and don't beat yourself up.

((((AH))))


I can't believe he said that to you. He's a therapist. He shouldn't have said that to you or any other client. He has some HUGE issues but I totally understand the self-blame.

Your reaction was protective. That seems like a good thing. Someone else might have been flattered (me?) and gotten sucked into something really dangerous.

For what it's worth, I think you were incredibly strong to leave. It took me a long time to do that.

Hi AH... that is why therapist abuse/damage is SO egregious... because they are then reinforcing the behavior of others towards us that we have come to therapy to process and heal from. He was horribly damaging to you. And yes, to your young self. She is the one that was so attached to exT and trusted him and just when that happened he struck.

Although I was immediately attached to my oldT, it took me a looong time to really trust him and begin to feel "safe". Yeah right. About 2-3e weeks before he began to change and become emotionally abusive I had told him that I was finally at a point where I decided that I was safe with him, that he wouldn't abandon me and I trusted him. Bad choice on my part.

So of course in my mind it was linked. As soon as I decided to trust him... BAMM... he abandoned me. It felt like some very sick joke. I paid a huge price for that and also my current T has paid for that. It has been hellish to work towards trust with him. He has really NEVER done anything to betray my trust and he has been nothing but ethical and caring. But I can't allow myself to really feel safe because my inner kid is screaming that when I do that he will abandon us or hurt us in some way. This is why whenever I take a step towards him alarm bells begin to ring loudly and then I have to push him away. My T says T betrayal is like a sacred trust was betrayed and is the worst kind.

And sometimes, when I'm struggling with our relationship and trust issues, I do think about how much damage oldT caused and how hard we both have had to work to heal this damage. The trauma of that abandonment caused to me have PTSD and changed my brain in a way that it's actually not the same as it was before. I have recovered some but not everything.

I, too, am surprised with the speed that your new T has begin inner child work. This has been extremely difficult for me to even contemplate and I think there has to be a real bond of trust between T and patient to really enter into this. I think her first priority should be relationship building with you. Providing support and empathy to what you suffered and to help you work through the damage caused by exT. I would question her as to why she wants to jump right into this without the relationship foundation being in place first.

This is along hard journey and will be filled with lots of ups and down. Take one day at a time and keep posting and talking to us.

Many hugs
TN

((((AH)))))

Understand everything you said. For me, it's all been a very long and slow process in terms of shifting the blame off myself and putting it where it belongs. I still get blame attacks once in a while but the feeling that I'm responsible for all the bad things in the universe is going away.

My new T jumped right into some deep work. I didn't like it and almost quit. She sensed something was up and questioned me about it in our next session. I was actually going to quit that session. She has backed off quite a bit and we are taking it more slowly and getting to know one another. If you like her except for the speed with which she is pushing you, why not say something? (Not that I could do that but, you know, this is do as I say, not as I do.

quote:

What is lingering now is deep amounts of shame because in my mind, I caused that. If I'd done or said or felt or worn something different, it wouldn't have happened. I surely must have coaxed that out of him & it had to be my fault (all old messages playing, but they are persistent)

AH... I struggled with this too and still do to some extent. We blame ourselves for something we really had no control over. My T tells me this all the time. I feel that I "made' oldT care for me so deeply because I thought if he cared for me he would not abandon me. People don't abandon those they love, right? I thought that if he had feelings for me it would keep me safe. Instead, those feelings he had (whatever they really were) scared him to the point that he HAD to get rid of me to solve his problem. He was too incompetent to know what else to do.

The fallout from this was that I was too terrified to my current T caring for me. I didn't want him to like me or care for me and I behaved badly at times to keep him away and save him from ME. I felt so much guilt that I caused my own termination and abandonment because I "made" my oldT care for me that I did all I could to make current T NOT care for me. But my T tells me I don't have that kind of power. I can't "make" him care or not care or oldT care or not care. That is an illusion and it certainly would not keep me safe. I am safe with my T because he does care about me and is not afraid of those feelings and can handle them. I am safe because he is a safe person and our relationship is boundaried and healthy.

I understand the struggle and the tug of war in your head. Just remember that it was HIM and he was out of line. You did nothing wrong.

Hugs
TN

(((AH)))

Maybe your new T is a good fit but I just want to remind you to NOT ignore your gut completely. Your brain picks up all kinds of information that we are not consciously aware of. It's best to pay attention to all of it.

(((AH)))

I am so sorry (and horrified) about yr previous experience. I am so glad you got away and it seems you have a new T that is more trustworthy.

Does it help that she is a female? Not that females can't hurt people, but I'm thinking more from a feeling less sexually abusive way.

I think you did incredibly well at yr first session to do all you did with your inner child work!!!! That shows how hard you are trying and how courageous you really truly are

quote:

I remember going through the same thought process about exT... that he could be the figure to finally break the pattern. The problem was, deep in my gut some part of me had concerns about him before I allowed myself to trust him. It sounds like your T has good boundaries and I really hope he can provide that corrective experience.

I hope that, too. Thankfully, I haven't had any gut-deep concerns about my T crossing the line - just my general paranoia. At last session, I talked about my fear of connecting with him, that it was causing alarm bells to go off in my head because of my past experience with men, that it was hard to accept that he didn't want anything from me, etc. He said all of that was totally understandable and that my psyche was functioning just as it should. He said the natural process of connecting involves moving forward and pulling back at times, so he's not expecting me to plunge headlong into the connection.

Which is, like, awesome.

I'm sorry you were so damaged by your exT. You didn't deserve that at all. It was his decision to act that way and nothing you did. He didn't keep good boundaries. And that was his #1 responsibility. He failed.

I hope this new T works out for you so you can find some peace.