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My T and I spend a lot of time working through my inability to hang onto the connection between appointments and even more so, vacations as well as my inability to trust that the relationship was a real one.

My T allowed contact between sessions by email or phone and one evening I made an emergency phone call (the word "emergency" was defined by my needing a reply right away. If I said the call was an emergency, that meant my T would call back (almost always) within one hour. So it was not uncommon for me to make "emergency" phone calls. For a very long period of our work, I would call and/or contact him by email 1-3 times between every session when I was seeing him weekly, although two week gaps were not rare due to both our schedules.)

On that particular evening, he called back, but while he said the right stuff, he sounded VERY irritated to me. I freaked, convinced that he had absolutely had it with me. I wrote him a really long email in which I asked what had happened. I recognized I might just be projecting since I knew I could get very scared for reasons that had nothing to do with him but at the same time I felt like I had picked up on something and I needed to know if I could trust myself so I wanted to check with him. Then I even offered to take a break from the relationship if he was hitting "compassion fatigue" with me. In retrospect, I may have overreacted. Smiler

He wrote me a wonderful reply in which he explained that he was rushed and he understood why it might have felt like he was irritated with me, but he really wasn't. And he talked about the bind I was in, that no matter how he reacted, I was either suspicious or fearful. That it was a terrible spot to be in. He finished by saying it would be a good topic for our next session.

So at my next session we were discussing the relationship and how I reacted and my T talked about the fact that the attachment bond is NOT supposed to be the focus. That during normal development, that bond should be a taken for granted background against which we learned and explored and did what we needed to. That my focus on the relationship, was it real? would he abandon me? could I trust him not to hurt me? Did he really care for me? was all a result of how injured I had been. That what I needed to learn was that the relationship just WAS, that I could trust it and no matter where I was and where he was, we were still connected.

He brought up my older daughter who had just left for college and he asked if I knew I was still connected? I told him definitely and he asked how I knew that. And I said that I carried her with me, and she carried me with her. That's when he mentioned the poem. It was used in the movie "In Her Shoes" and he asked if I had seen it, and talked about the poem being about recognizing that our connections transcend distance and time.

I told him that it was difficult for me to believe that he carried me in his heart. He asked me how could I know that? And then he answered his own question by saying that I could call him and experience that he knew and remembered me. I asked if he ever thought of me in between sessions or when he was on vacations. And he told me of course he did, that these were deep, significant relationships and of course he thought of his clients. That it was impossible to look around his office (there are a lot of gifts obviously given by clients) and not think of his clients.

I went away and mulled that over for a week, but as I struggled I realized a few things that left me very unhappy with the conversation. I went back in a week later and told him that it felt like he dodged the question when I asked if he carried me in his heart. That what I had wanted to hear (knowing it was too much to expect, but that I felt that way) was that he loved me, and of course he carried me in his heart but instead he talked about being able to call. He told me that the question was really about why hadn't my parents carried me in their heart. That it wasn't the same thing to have him carry me in his heart and that due to the ambiguities of the theraputic relationship that it could be difficult to trust it was real.

Then I told him that his pointing out all the things in his office and how he thought of his patients made me feel like one more person in a very long line of people. He told me that he knew that it was hard to believe that it could really be love if it was offered to so many people, but if I understood that it came from a deeper source and only moved through him, I could it accept that it was real.

I took in this time his reassurance that the connection was real and was something that I could depend on. As I wrestled with that before our next session and thought about how I should have been able to trust the bond but never could, it broke through that I had been scared my whole life. That I lived and moved through fear so constant that it was in the very air I breathed and woven into every cell. My T agreed. But I also said I wasn't sure what it would be like to not be scared, that how could it actually be scary to think about not being scared? Who would I be without the fear? My T told me I deserved to find out. I told him that I was mourning because who knew what I would have done and what decisions I would have made if I wasn't so scared, that fear had driven a lot of my decisions. That I was mourning the fact that I couldn't even know WHAT it was I was mourning. That maybe it would have turned out the same but I couldn't know that. My T told me that he didn't know if it would have been different but that I would have spent a lot less time scared and that I deserved to live not in fear.

I stopped being scared. I don't mean that like I never felt fear again or that I never struggled with doubting the relationship again, but it stopped being constant. I finally experienced on a really deep level that I could trust my T, that he was really there and not going anywhere.

A month of so later, at the end of very intense session, I gave him a gift and a card. The card had the ee cummings poem (what I posted is actually the second half, the first half is more romantically focused so I didn't include it) and said "Thank you for teaching me this." The gift was a silver heart shaped box with a green stone heart in it. My T was very touched by the gift, and the heart box sits open on the table in his office with the stone heart in it. Every time I go to see him, it helps me to see my heart sitting safely in his.

So you can understand why I find that poem so powerful and appropriate.

AG
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AG, I absolutely love that story. It's so inspiring and amazing and very comforting. I'm so glad you had those moments with your wonderful T. Thanks for sharing them with us.

I had a lot of evidence that my oldT thought of me outside of sessions but I grapple with this dilemma with my current T. I think I am having such a really hard time with maintaining connection with him because I truly believe that once I walk out of his office I am totally gone from his mind....and I'm never any where near to his heart at all.

Maybe we need to talk about this.

Hugs to you
TN
AG - Just thanks, so much, for sharing your touching connection with your T. I am starting to have less panic about my connection with my own T and it is truly one of the best, most tender experiences I have ever had (ranking up there with becoming a mom, but obviously tender in a different way as it is a different sort of relationship).

In a Friday phone session a week ago, my T talked about this journey we are on together and how our connection is one that he sees enduring eternally, throughout our lives and into when we are both "at home" with our Father. He said it in a very soft, sincere (with depth of feeling) voice. It was a single moment of all of me accepting that our connection to one another as human beings is compatible with (maybe even essential) to our connection with God. I could receive my T's care and God's love at the same time without one needing to displace the other. It was fleeting, but it was an instant of hope. For some reason, your story reminded me of this feeling. So, very truly, thank you for sharing.
AG,

Thanks for taking the time to post this. I've been struggling with similar stuff with my own T and our relationship. I think I have major issues with object constancy and keeping her in my own head and heart, and wondering if I am in hers. Reading about your discussions with your T about this is inspiring, and hopefully some day I'll have the courage to open up a similar conversation with my own T.

Thanks again, AG.

MTF
Thank you all for your generous responses, I was quite touched by what everyone said.

TN,
Thank you! And as far as this:

quote:
Maybe we need to talk about this.


You don't really need to hear my opinion about this, do you?

Yaku,
I understand why you say the relationship with your T is "one of the best, most tender experiences" you have ever had. I felt the same way. I remember telling my T many times that I had found a sense of home, and belonging with him that I had longed for my whole life but had long ago given up hope of ever having. It really is indescribably profound. And I do believe that our connections with other human beings are as essential as our relationship with God. Before creation was, God knew relationship in the trinity; we are made in His image so relationship is essential to us. God saw that it was not good to be alone and made Eve and his only Son died that our relationship would be restored with Him. And Christ's last command to Peter was "care for my flock." We can only come to know ourselves through a relationship with another.

SomeDays,
Welcome to the forums, I'm not sure I've had a chance to say hello yet. I'm glad that my story helped you gain understanding. These needs are very intense and it is difficult to work through them. One danger of writing a narrative the way I did is that it all sounds so tidy and neat and clear how things developed. It is only in looking back that I achieved that clarity. When I was working through it, it was messy, chaotic and often very painful. The struggle was more than worth it, but struggle it most definitely was.


Mayo,
So glad that I was able to articulate your struggle, sometimes the hardest part of the battle is identifying WHAT the problem is. I hope you are doing okay in lurkdom. It sounds like things have been a bit bumpy with your T. I'm sorry.


(((BG)))) & (((STRM)))) Glad you liked it. Big Grin

Free on Thursdays,
Thanks for responding before your "lurkdom." Smiler I find it totally understandable that what you went through with your first P would make it difficult to trust your present one. I struggled very hard, for a very long time to learn to trust my T (a process he was extremely patient about) and that was based only on what I experienced as a child. To lay a whole other betrayal, which reinforces those long held suspicious beliefs, makes it incredibly more difficult. It's why I have such immense respect for the people like you, TN, SG and Janedoe, who were abandoned by a T but have gone on to work with someone else and continue to fight to heal. It is a quiet, but extraordinary demonstration of courage. I am so glad that my story can provide you with hope! Have a great summer!

quote:
It just never ceases to amaze me how wonderful he is


I know just how you feel!

Glad you liked it Beebs, I include the whole poem below (sorry should have done so in the first place!)

quote:
i carry your heart by ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


And this is a muscial version by Michael Hedges.

DF,
So much of what you wrote resonated with me and brought back memories of learning this.

quote:
however, I'm sure that game can only be played for so long.


You'd be amazed how long it can be! But yeah, eventually, I believe, in order for us to heal, we must face these griefs. For me they were the center and when I passed through them (which I didn't believe was possible before I did) was when I really started to see dramatic changes in how I dealt with things. It took a tremendous amount of difficult work to get there though.

quote:
What spoke to me, because of the angle I come at it was that... you could share your heart and wanted to.


DF, I once told my T that the real loss involved in child abuse wasn't about learning about sex too early or taking on adult responsibilities too early, the real loss was of the very precious innocence in which we freely love with no fear. A very powerful part of walking into this grief was that I realized that I had always feared that my center would turn out to be hollow, that when I got there, there would be ... No one. Instead what I found, buried under all the pain and grief and distrust, was this deep desire both to be loved and to be able to love without fear. It was still there, bloodied but not beaten. It was such a gift. One of the things I love, quite literally Wink , about my T is that he does not shy away from his role in my life or from how I feel about him. So it's really ok for me to express gratitude and love and how I'm feeling. It can still feel quite awkward, but its really good. And as I learn to do that with him, I've learned to do that with other people. To be able to love and give my whole heart, was in the end, just as important as feeling loved.

(((R2G))))) So glad that it hit something for you. I'm actually kind of flabbergasted at everyone's responses. Makes me very glad I answered Liese. Big Grin

MTF,
I know that you've been struggling with this, I hope that this will inspire you to open up, you deserve to know this kind of security and trust.

Thanks again everyone, I really was overwhelmed with all your responses. I am finally done with my release and am back on regular hours (my husband of course is back on 12 hour night shifts, but hopefully only for this week.) I also had a molar out yesterday which proved quite difficult so I spent yesterday and most of last night on high doses of painkillers. It seems to be under control now though. I am hoping with life finally returning to normal to be around more consistently.

AG
Last edited by Attachment Girl
AG,

I haven't been able to respond more because whatever it is that I'm dealing with now was really triggered, but in a good way, by your post to STRM and your thread. I was toying with printing it all out and bringing it to my T tomorrow because now we have another vacation coming up with the 4th on Monday.

He admitted to some countertransference in the session before his last vacation. He said he was actually worried about me and then avoided dealing with helping me process the vacation stuff more thoroughly (sp???) and leaving me in such a bad spot while he was away. I loved that he told me that, it made him seem so much more human and it made the relationship feel more REAL to me.

Anyway, feeling a lot of grief this week and I'm not sure why. I know a lot of things are tied to the past but if T is actually meeting emotional needs that were never met, then for sure there is a sense of the present in there also.

I had wanted T to love me. Then I was willing to settle for him loving me in the same way he loves his dog. And, now I just want to love him and have that be okay. But I don't know if I can tell him that. What if he tells me I can't love him? What if he tells me that I need to direct that love towards other people in my life? How do I cope with these feelings of love when I go in week after week and talk to this wonderful human being who has already changed my emotional life in so many ways? This person who, through the relationship, has made me become less fearful of loving and living?



I am not really crying but just had to add that since you found one!!

Thanks, AG

Liese
quote:
Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
That's when he mentioned the poem. It was used in the movie "In Her Shoes" and he asked if I had seen it, and talked about the poem being about recognizing that our connections transcend distance and time.


AG, I read your post a few days ago and was speechless at the beautiful words here. This was one of those posts that I carried in my heart and stayed with me to remind me that good Ts exist and that I have the opportunity to one day gain inner wisdom beyond this moment right now.

Would you believe, I inadvertently stumbled upon the movie "In Her Shoes" showing on regular television this afternoon. I didn't remember the title or the connection until the poem scene. Thankfully I wasn't wearing any makeup because my eyes immediately started tearing up.

I may not have otherwise paid attention to the poem or the movie if it wasn't for your post. Thank you

(((AG)))

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