ltf:

most of us "chicken out" when it comes to spilling our guts to our therapists, especially when it comes to how we feel about them. i had some intense feelings for my last therapist and i was constantly chickening out in telling her how i felt. i did tell her one day, impulsively, and you know what? not only did it not freak her out, she actually seemed quite interested in exploring it. i even said that, because of my feelings, maybe i shouldn't come in anymore. she said that while she can't tell me what to do, she really hoped that i would reconsider and keep coming in to see her. she basically did everything she could've to make me *not* feel weird or embarrassed over my feelings for her. after i initially told her that i had feelings for her, i asked if we could not discuss it. even though she said okay, she would bring it up every now and then, but i would evade the subject. there were times, where i would tell her things, in bits and pieces, but there was so much i didn't say. it took me until our penultimate session to lay it all on the line, but by then it was too late. we couldn't really discuss it in depth during our last session and then that was it. i really, really regret it. i was too busy resisting her, resisting how i felt, fighting it tooth and nail, and then it was over and i had nothing.

anyway, what did she say to you? what does she think about you? therapists expect their clients to have feelings for them, particularly the sort of feelings you have for yours. and if she shared her feelings w/ you, don't you think she would probably want you to reciprocate? i know it's scary, but i'll bet you almost anything that the anticipatory anxiety is infinitely worse than the reality of what will happen. remember, therapy is a safe place for you to say what you feel and your t should accept your feelings. your feelings for her are beautiful--there's nothing wrong w/ that.

LTF, Just like you, I was very nervous about sharing my feelings about my T with her. I felt such intense feelings and was terrified to share my feelings, to open up, to be vulnerable, and. .. about her reaction. I finally found the courage to tell her directly that I loved her and to talk about those feeelings. She clearly knew how nervous I was, and put me at ease immediately. She made sure that my feelings were accepted in a very warm and gentle, and I felt so cared for. Since then I can much more easily talk about my feelings for her, which I feel like I have to do alot, and I don't feel that embarrasment anymore. Instead, it seems so central to everything. I know it is scary, but it so worth it.

SCA

Hi LTF and SCA,
Welcome to the forums, I haven't had a chance to say welcome yet! And PM glad to see you're sticking around.

LTF, you're not chickening out, you're finding the courage to face something that's seriously scary. For a lot of people in therapy, their childhoods were not a time when their feelings were even heard, let alone welcomed, so on some level you probably feel like you are risking hurting a relationship that is vitally important to you. That's a lot to face. Be patient with yourself; you'll find the right time to speak up.

I do believe its the right thing to do, it's been a really important part of my healing for me. I actually started going to my present T because my husband and I were seeing him for marriage counseling and I realized I was feeling very attracted to him (he kept getting better looking between sessions. ) I ignored it for a while but it kept getting stronger and after doing some reading, I finally made an appt with him alone and told him how I felt. It's one of the scariest things I've ever done, but he was wonderful about it. He totally welcomed hearing about how I felt, and saw it as a positive thing while be very careful about the boundaries so that I felt safe. That directly led to us working together individually and realizing that I needed to form a secure attachment with him in order to heal. Which means I've talked to him many times about my feelings for him including loving him, wanting him as a father, feeling abandoned and angry because he's went on vacation, having strong erotic feelings about him, you get the idea... each time I've done this has been really scary but he has always responded so incredibly well, hearing me and understanding how I felt without ever showing any signs of discomfort. And more often than not those discussions led to something in my past that I needed to look at. I think that often the real work of therapy is done by talking about how we feel about our Ts. Because the way that we feel about them and react to what they do is just how our unconscious gets revealed. So I would really encourage you that its a good thing to do. But its ok to wait until you're ready.

AG

Thanks for your replies guys, it's so nice knowing i'm not alone in this... and that you've had positive experiences with sharing your feelings with your Ts.

PM - what you said about leaving it until the last session. That's a very real danger for me, and it's not how i want to end things with her. I want to be able to talk about these feelings. And i love this:

quote:

remember, therapy is a safe place for you to say what you feel and your t should accept your feelings. your feelings for her are beautiful--there's nothing wrong w/ that.

I'll share what my T said, but it was more the emotion behind her words, than the words themselves that really hit home, and I could tell that what she was saying meant a great deal to her.

One of her clients passed away (not suicide). She found it surprising i guess that this lady had died and all she could think about was me, and how she'd feel if anything happened to me. (She was still very upset about the other client so don't take that part the wrong way!)

She said she questions her boundaries with me, what she's done, what she hasn't done. She said she wouldn't cope if anything happened to me, she doesn't even know if she'd cope not being able to see me anymore. And that i am truly a wonderful person, even though it is inappropriate to say that (not really sure why, because she says that all the time, but i guess this was different).

And she said my mum f*cked up. It wasn't me, it was her. That i shouldn't believe it. And that she doesn't think my mum was right. I think that was the key message. She said there's many people who'd love to be in my life but i need to let them see the person she sees.

She doesn't think my mum was right. Wow. Maybe it's starting to sink in... kinda scary. I need a break from this right now, back later!

thanks again guys
LTF

hi LTF

It's so good to read how your t really cares for you!

quote:

She doesn't think my mum was right

Too right! I find that message hard to get too. But in those moment that I do believe it, it's sooooooo wonderful!

welcome to the forum!
SB

Hi LTF;

What a special relationship you must have with your T. That's wonderful, you should definitely feel safe in sharing with her. Take your time in telling her what your thinking/feeling, the strength within you to talk about it will come when you are ready to pass it on to her. Don't feel like just because she has been personal with you that you need to hurry up and say something personal as well.

Not everyone has positive experiences in sharing their feelings that they have towards their therapists (some of us regret the day we opened our mouths about it), but I think that in the ability to talk/share that HUGE feeling with your T, you develop a strength in knowing that you are able to now tell her/him anything and not be afraid to do so. Even though my P was taken back by my talking about my feelings for her, we still work well together and continue to plug along.

Anyway, my whole thing here was that you'll say something when you truly feel ready to do so. Don't rush yourself and don't be scared to be true to how you feel

Be well!

Holly

quote:

for. Since then I can much more easily talk about my feelings for her, which I feel like I have to do alot, and I don't feel that embarrasment anymore. Instead, it seems so central to everything. I know it is scary, but it so worth it.

Every time I try to talk to T about how I feel about her I am positively crippled by embarrassment. It isn't a secret and every so often I get something about it out. She is always accepting and understanding and hasn't said or done anything to cause me embarrassment but it is there anyway. Putting myself in that vulnerable of a situation is so anxiety producing for me. Often when we come up against this in sessions, my T will ask what I need from her and I never know. That question would be easier to answer if it were multiple choice because worrying about asking for something she might say no to just adds to the anxiety. I feel like I have told her that too. She just waits though in silence though cuz I think she wants me to ask and then learn how to handle the response what ever the response is. I keep hoping she will say something that will make all of this easier for me to talk about but I have no idea what that something is. She probably doesn't either so she is still waiting for me to be ready enough to talk despite the fear I guess. I am tired of the fear though but being tired of it doesn't seem to make it go away.

River,
I echo your sentiments. I have now talked about the transference, or we call it attachment, stuff many times with my T, yet every time, I feel like it's the first time all over again. She has only responded in a kind, loving way, so these feelings come from me.

Here's what happens with me. I'm always down on the floor wrapped up in a blanket and my jacket, usually on my tummy with my face to the ground. She is usually down there next to me with her hand on my back or head or holding my hand or rubbing my back or arm (through my jacket). I finally think I get up the nerve to say something, and my mouth won't work. I get all wiggly and embarrassed, and try to hide even further than I am. I finally get something out of my mouth, then I'm too embarrassed. She wants to explore it, but I can't. She says, "I think we hit our limit." It doesn't matter how many times I've talked about it, it's still embarrassing.

Learning to Fly,
It sounds like you have a close relationship with your T. You're lucky. There were many times that I wanted to talk about the attachment thing with my T before I was able to actually come out with it. I would tell her that I wanted to talk about something, but I just couldn't. She always said, "It's okay. We have plenty of time." She was right. I worked on other issues, and kept wanting to talk about it. It didn't actually come out until I was ready to face it. So, I say to you, "You have time. You don't need to rush it. It will come out when you're ready." Also, I wrote it, in a 10 page letter to my T. That helped me to be able to get it out.

catgirl