Hey Yaku,

So funny you should write about this. I just wrote about something on exactly the same topic. About feeling my tears.

I cry a lot when I'm with T but they are intensely disconnected. I feel nothing in my body. No real gut wrenching stuff. There is a source of where they are from, but god knows where.

I remember last christmas and I saw my Dad on Skype (He broke contact with me when I told him I was gay, for 3 years). Then my Grandmother basically said that I was not succeeding in life. I went in my room and the tears fell and fell and would not stop, but my body felt nothing. Empty tears. Really weird.

In my recent post about the same topic I also asked about if anyone feels the same thing and does it get better? Or what?

I'm sorry that I can't help. I think were just so far removed from the pain, we've had to deal with it by disassociating. All I can guess is that within time, we'll start connecting again.

I know the truth of the tears and they're existence for me. I've gone through a lot but sometimes I deny it because I can't grasp feeling anything with what went on. I'm very indifferent to my abuse. I can rattle on about it without a care it seems..

((Yaku))

I've experienced similar experiences when I am disassociating badly due to extreme stress. I almost am outside of myself watching the numbness and going through the motions of life. I've been at the point where I feel nothing and tears will come out of nowhere. I don't even realize that I am crying until I physically feel the tears rolling off my cheeks. It's strange but I think it must be some type of dissociative coping mechanism. Hugs to you, my dear. It sounds like your T is really just incredibly loving. I really like him.

Brokes

FMN - I saw your thread too and it resonated as well. I know it has to do with my dissociation, but it is such a contrast to the feelings of being on the verge of crying and unable to let it out (I call that dry heave crying). It has kind of lingered throughout the day (with an occasional bit of emotion, but mostly detachment) and I really don't know what to do with it.

xoxo - I think I vaguely remember discussing this before, but my brain is mush right now, so you'll have to forgive me. You are right that it is dissociation and it always happens around parts stuff, so that makes sense. I have gotten used to the not feeling inside myself in therapy, because when I actually stay present during parts work, I rarely feel fully inside myself...or sometimes I feel kind of buried in there underneath other parts, just witnessing, like today. However, usually I am at least somewhat aware of the emotions, even if they don't feel like my own.

Unbroken - you described it perfectly. I didn't even realize I was crying until tears were rolling down my cheek and I was afraid they were going to drip onto T's shoulder. Thanks for liking my T. I'm rather fond of him myself. It was a very safe, connecting session.

DF - I think you may have captured it most of all or rather helped me to define what the feeling was. It was simply the feeling of soemone who has always felt invisible being seen and that was bittersweet. Most of these poems have been shared with one other person ever (a high school teacher who was like a mentor to me) and have never been discussed or even reviewed together. So, to have T reading them, asking gentle questions, pointing to significant parts, offering comfort for the things that were expressed...it was like someone who thinks she is a ghost suddenly realized she is still alive, not invisible, not alone, not incapable of being touched. Yet, the realization held as much pain and fear as it did comfort. But, I didn't experience the feelings. I just kind of know they were there. I get what you are saying that it feels like there aren't words. For my Poet, there is no spoken word, but there is something that only can be communicated in the sound of the words that she has written, in their cadence, in the choice of line and stanza breaks.

quote:

The only kinds of emotions I express are ones I'm not feeling LOL if I felt them I'd lock them down of course of course!

Um... LOL. This may be the only crying I can actually do with T, because if I felt like I was going to cry or be upset, I would certainly lock down too!


Thanks to you all for commenting. It was a very connecting session, but I am inexplicably struggling very badly tonight, as if I've just suddenly realized everything was s--- during that time period. I know that's not the case, not everything was horrible. And I know I had a sense that at least those teen years were very awful. But, it feels as if it is just now hitting me how broken that period was and all the hurt that has branched out from that over the years. I know it will pass, but it is infecting my ability to stay connecting to T in my mind and believe that he doesn't despise me and my neediness and regret all he does with the extra time and carrying my binder of poetry around in case we discuss it each week and reading outside stuff and texting and dealing with my pain in the @$$ insurance company and especially the physical contact and the battle every session for me to let other parts through. Ugh. I don't know how he can work with me. I can't even stand me...