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5 replies

I'd like some Tranference advice please?

P placeb0manMember
Hello I'm a newbie here
I'd like to share my story if I may?

I feel this may be a rather long post, but do please bear with me and I will try to be as succinct as I can.

I've read alot of posts in this group and I feel that for the most part, tranference problems arise in relationships that are with people in positions of authority, ie Therapists etc.

For me, it is not so. It can be any female who is interested in getting close to me and to whom I am sexually attracted. It does not happen if the sexual attraction is not there.

For me, transference happens even when there is no relationship, or ever would be. Just the mere whiff of sexual interest from a female will result in tranference, and then an addiction to them, dumping all my unresolved issues and pain from way back in my life, onto an innocent party. My reaction is to play out with the interested person, all my issues of anger, hurt, pain and longing that I had with my Mother.( My mother rejected me when I was 11 and I've never really recovered. She is dead now, so can't really put that right.)

When I'm in tranference, my wires get crossed and I find it difficult to work and concentrate on anything. The emotional pain is unbearable and therefore I drink to cope with the pain I feel. I've knackered my liver once and I'm well on the way to doing it for good this time.

. I have had to leave jobs in the past and lost nearly half my income. The tranference and addiction keeps happening time and time again to any woman that might want to come close to me. The only way I can deal with it is to never see them again. To shut them out of my life even though I would want them so badly. So I suffer in silence. Subsequently I am on my own.

My last tranference issue and addiction with a woman, (who was just after a one night stand with me and sex never happened because I frightened her off!) was in 1996 and it took 5 years of my life to get over it.
This is abnormal reaction isn't it folks?

Tranference has just happened again with another lady and I'm really suffering this time.

I've been in therapy and spent thousands of pounds but I've never found any therapist that I have been sexually attracted to and therefore the transference issues with them do not arise and therefore I can never get better. The only way I could get better is to tell the interested woman How I feel about them, but which woman is going to want to listen to that and be understanding? ....They would think I was MAD!!! And probably that I should be locked up!! And they would run off before I could even say....well. ..Jack Daniels!!

I feel that with the problems I have, I can never get close to another female again.

Folks I would really appreciate your thoughts. Perhaps I have more problems than the group could answer. Is it tranference here or am I just well.....MAD?

Thank you for listening.

Yours
Placeb0man
Original Post

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justme 2justme 2Member
Hi PlaceboMan, and welcome to the forum.

I am sorry for the pain and frustration you must be feeling, but I am glad you are reaching out. I am no expert, but I think you gather that. What I understand about transference is that it can and does occur in any relationship, we all do it, but some of us to more of an extreme degree than other, as you see here among the forum. It can be projected toward authority figures, but not necessarily either. Its not black and white or easy to understand with nice clear cut rules to apply to it, unfortunately. So while I'm not personally familiar with the way you describe your transference it seems to make sense.

Basically do you find yourself looking for a mother in a girlfriend? By mother I mean someone who is nurturing, affectionate and loving no matter how you behave? I think that is very common for both genders when certain needs didn't get met in the attachment process with our mothers. **And the sexual attraction is significant because that is how you play out the desire to be close and intimate with a female figure. Not that sex had anything to do with your feelings or relationship with your mother, but that sort of longing and need for intimacy and connection naturally translates into sexual realtionships in our adult lives. As infants and children our needs get met through maternal and paternal longing and connections. In our adult lives it translates to sexual intimacy. When the first needs don't get met in our developmental years or are severely breeched later on in childhood, the latter process becomes skewed and we constantly seek those imature needs through more adult type behavior.**

You are NOT MAD at all, the fact that you recognize you have an unhealthy pattern and you want to do something about it proves that you are very sane and very sincere. That is what seperates us from those who refuse to admit there is a problem and refuse to change.

And transference does not have to occur with a therapist in order for therapy to work. But through the therapeautic process you CAN uncover much about the past and heal the long painful breech you experienced as a child. I believe you can put a lot right with your mother w/o her being here (I am) in a sense that you can learn much about the attachment process, what went wrong, and the fact that because of the brains amazing neuroplasticity, much can be recovered even late in our adult lives. So there is hope!

Are you in therapy now?

And btw, I also understand the desire to drown your misery in goood ol JD! Been there, done that. It becomes a friend who can always be found, but that friend has a very painfully high price as I am sure you are well aware.

I just want you to know you are not alone, you are not MAD, and you are not hopeless! If you're not in therapy now, I would suggest that you find a well suited therapist and don't worry about if transference develops there or not. You may be better suited for it if it doesn't.

I hope this helps, please keep posting and asking more questions as you need. There is a lot off good persoanl experience here and a lot of caring people.
JM

P.S. **I made an addition for clarification purposes that I hope makes more sense because I think this is very significant from what you describe. (see ** above)
P placeb0manMember
quote:
Originally posted by Just Me:
Hi PlaceboMan, and welcome to the forum.

I am sorry for the pain and frustration you must be feeling, but I am glad you are reaching out. I am no expert, but I think you gather that. What I understand about transference is that it can and does occur in any relationship, we all do it, but some of us to more of an extreme degree than other, as you see here among the forum. It can be projected toward authority figures, but not necessarily either. Its not black and white or easy to understand with nice clear cut rules to apply to it, unfortunately. So while I'm not personally familiar with the way you describe your transference it seems to make sense.

Basically do you find yourself looking for a mother in a girlfriend? By mother I mean someone who is nurturing, affectionate and loving no matter how you behave? I think that is very common for both genders when certain needs didn't get met in the attachment process with our mothers. **And the sexual attraction is significant because that is how you play out the desire to be close and intimate with a female figure. Not that sex had anything to do with your feelings or relationship with your mother, but that sort of longing and need for intimacy and connection naturally translates into sexual realtionships in our adult lives. As infants and children our needs get met through maternal and paternal longing and connections. In our adult lives it translates to sexual intimacy. When the first needs don't get met in our developmental years or are severely breeched later on in childhood, the latter process becomes skewed and we constantly seek those imature needs through more adult type behavior.**

You are NOT MAD at all, the fact that you recognize you have an unhealthy pattern and you want to do something about it proves that you are very sane and very sincere. That is what seperates us from those who refuse to admit there is a problem and refuse to change.

And transference does not have to occur with a therapist in order for therapy to work. But through the therapeautic process you CAN uncover much about the past and heal the long painful breech you experienced as a child. I believe you can put a lot right with your mother w/o her being here (I am) in a sense that you can learn much about the attachment process, what went wrong, and the fact that because of the brains amazing neuroplasticity, much can be recovered even late in our adult lives. So there is hope!

Are you in therapy now?

And btw, I also understand the desire to drown your misery in goood ol JD! Been there, done that. It becomes a friend who can always be found, but that friend has a very painfully high price as I am sure you are well aware.

I just want you to know you are not alone, you are not MAD, and you are not hopeless! If you're not in therapy now, I would suggest that you find a well suited therapist and don't worry about if transference develops there or not. You may be better suited for it if it doesn't.

I hope this helps, please keep posting and asking more questions as you need. There is a lot off good persoanl experience here and a lot of caring people.
JM

P.S. **I made an addition for clarification purposes that I hope makes more sense because I think this is very significant from what you describe. (see ** above)




Basically do you find yourself looking for a mother in a girlfriend? By mother I mean someone who is nurturing, affectionate and loving no matter how you behave?

Gosh that is so true!! Thank you for pointing that out.

I'm not in therapy at present but I have emailed a therapist I used to see many years ago and arranged some more appointments with him. I have to get this sorted otherwise I'm alone for the rest of my life.

Thank you JM for making me feel comfortable here.
Placem0man
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi PBman,
Welcome to the forums! I'm sorry its taken me so long to say hi, I was gone for a few days and then missed your post because it had moved down the list.

JM is right, you're not mad. I think you're in a lot of pain and need over being rejected by your mom. So when you meet a woman for one night and take five years to get over it, you're not really trying to get over her. You're trying to let go of all the hope you invested in her, the hope of finally getting what you didn't get from your mother.

I don't believe that the same kind of intense transference has to happen with your T in order for you to heal. Although an intense transference is not rare in therapy, it is also decidedly not the rule either and is not required for healing. What you need in a therapist is someone that you will trust enough to be able to look at these feelings and examine your longings and why you behave the way you do.

I think that when the transference is to your T it is in some ways more efficient because as you deal directly with your T, the issues crop up directly in the theraputic relationship but you can also deal with it by discussing your feelings about other women with your therapist.

And just because your mother has died does not mean that you can never heal or work through your feelings about her. In some ways, its easier to deal with if the parent is gone because we no longer have to fear them. I didn't really start doing deep work about my father until he was gone and I knew I was really safe.

There is one thing I really want you to hear though. There isn't anything wrong with you, you are reacting to something that happened to you, what my T likes to call "reasonable responses to unreasonable" circumstances. I believe you can heal and have a healthy relationship with a woman.

I hope you'll feel comfortable coming here to talk about what you're feeling. And again, please accept my apologies for not seeing your post sooner. I know how scary it is to post for the first time (or the 100th Smiler)

AG
T transferencegrl85Member
quote:
Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
Hi PBman,
Welcome to the forums! I'm sorry its taken me so long to say hi, I was gone for a few days and then missed your post because it had moved down the list.

JM is right, you're not mad. I think you're in a lot of pain and need over being rejected by your mom. So when you meet a woman for one night and take five years to get over it, you're not really trying to get over her. You're trying to let go of all the hope you invested in her, the hope of finally getting what you didn't get from your mother.



I totally relate to this!! And I do have MAJOR transference with my T. I hoped she would be my "MOM" replacement.... And last session I realized that wasn't going to happen. I actually realize that a lot..and it stabs at my heart every time! It makes me wish I was dead..... =(

You are not alone --anyone who feels this way.. its very painful and I am sorrrrry. I actually spent most of my life confused. I was sexually attracted to men and emotionally attracted to females.... I really don't have a sexuality for the time being... it kind of sucks!!

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