Glad you will be getting some time in with T to take care of yourself. I know getting the house in order can feel so good too. I need to make time to do that as well. (((AG)))

((((((Draggers))))))

Sorry, Yaku, cross-posted Thanks for your kind words. As far as the house is concerned, please remember my children are grown so it's a LOT easier for me. You should have seen the place when my kids were small.

Ha, yeah, but if I have time to journal around 10 pages a week about therapy stuff, in addition to this forum...honestly, I am just making a choice to let the toys be scattered and the laundry pile up. It's a choice I feel is helping me right now, but still, I could maybe write five pages and keep the house a little better...right?

Well done you for reaching out to your T again AG, I just know that he will set you feelng straight again. I am so glad that he is happy for you to have top-up sessions as and when you need to, that must be a comfort and a strength to you.....And yes, I've missed you too, be very lovely to have you around more when you're ready (((AG)))

starfishy

AG,
Good to see you posting.
Wow......You must be exhausted....give yourself a break. You *are* amazing but still human.

So glad to know you are allowing yourself to get support from your T.

Keep taking good care of yourself!
sea

Ag,
It is great to see you posting again, you have been missed! You and your husband have had some hard scheduals to meet and then to have dental surgery on top of all that had to be really stressful and exhausting. Hope it all calms down for you and your family.

Am happy you were able to get an appointment with your T. That is wonderful you are taking care of yourself!!

Wow, AG...I'm just amazed at how well you're handling everything, especially since it seems like you haven't had a break since you first left your T! I'm really glad that you have a session with your T (and can I selfishly say that I'm looking forward to reading about it if you decide to post?? ).

Big hugs to you - great to see you posting.

AG
Considering everything that's happened since you finished full-time therapy - you've done brilliantly and are going great guns!! Think about it lady and don't foget to breathe!!
Morgs

((((((AG)))))) miss you!!! I hope things let up soon, but I'm so glad you are taking care of you and the things you need to do. I hope it lets up and you get some rest and reprive soon.
lots of hugs to you ~ jd

Can I say thank you to everyone? I know it's irrational but when I am away for so long the feeling just grows and grows that everyone must be angry at me and would rather I wouldn't show back up. Kind of like when I post everyone will feel like "well, she's got a lot of nerve!" I know that it's based on patterns from my childhood and the deep seated belief that unless I am helping and being "functional" I will not be loved, but you know what happens when intellectual understanding goes up against our feelings. I don't know about anyone else, but my brain has a WICKED right hook.

So it makes me doubly grateful that when I do post, I come back to find so many warm, loving, accepting wonderful responses. Both because I feel so cared for and the experience helps me put one more nail in the coffin of the belief that I must be useful to be loved. Thank you all so much.

Starfish,
A comfort and a strength is an understatement . It's actually a weird sensation right now because I am simultaneoulsy feeling like this pathetic failure about going back juxtaposed with the fact that my T has made it really clear that I should come in when I need him AND that if I were talking to anyone else here I would see going back as a good thing to do. You know, my T told me a number of times that as long as we're alive, we continue to learn and grow. Reaching out for help when I need it is a lesson I am still learning. All of the encouragement here is a big help in letting this truth in. And I've missed you too (((starfishy)))

BG,
Thank you! I do dearly love the thought of a cup of tea with you. I have a really cute Alice in Wonderland teapot I bought several years ago at Walt Disney World. My daughter was there with friends recently and bought me back two cups that matched it. Knowing you're another Disneyphile, that's the set I'd use when you come over. A cup of tea is one of my favorite self-soothers! And if I had to pick a group of people to be in my court, it would be everyone here every day of the week and twice on Sundays!

Seablue,
Thank you, I really appreciate the support, especially knowing what you're going through right now. It's so very generous of you. And would you be willing to sign an affadavit about my humanity? I have a few people I'd like to convince....

Marsh,
It's been good to see you posting again also! I missed you too. And that bravo smiley just breaks me out in a grin every time I look at it, thank you!

Kashley,
Hugs back my dear, I'm sorry it's been so hard for you recently. There have been breaks, just fewer and further between than I would have preferred. But I think that's true for everyone. And thanks for telling me you're looking forward to reading about the appt. I really shouldn't be encouraged you know, but I do so appreciate it.

Morgs,
Thank you, I just always love your vivid phrasing, it actually makes me feel braver and stronger to have you say I'm going great guns. And I promise I will keep breathing.

((((Jane))))
I miss you too, it has really pained me to not be able to support you with everything you are going through. You are just so incredibly generous and reassuring, it means more than I can say.

I am definitely starting to feel better. We have finally had two days of sunshine after almost two weeks of straight rain and it's amazing what a difference it makes. I am also starting to catch up on my rest from being back on normal hours and I've stopped growling at everyone so I'm actually interacting and connecting with people. But if I'm really honest, I turned the corner once I knew I was going to see my T next week. This keeps going, I'm not going to need to actually see him.

AG

Oh AG, I'm hoping 'vivid phrasing' doesn't equate with 'harsh' in any way!!! If so, please forgive!! M

((((Morgs)))))

NO worries, vivid phrasing was very much meant as a compliment! There was nothing even remotely harsh in what you said, it was very loving and supportive. I love wordplay and you often use phrases I either haven't heard before or haven't heard in a long time, but either way there is a freshness to them and the way that you convey what you want to say that I really enjoy. Part of it is my being a technical writer, I so often have to hold back on any whimsy and because I write for an international audience, not all of whom use English as their first language, I work very hard to avoid idiomatic expressions. Which means I enjoy yours all the more.

quote:

And would you be willing to sign an affadavit about my humanity?

Absoluely!!

Phew, thanks (((AG)))

Good to hear from you AG, despite all the life-chaos right now!!

quote:

I finally broke down on Tuesday evening and emailed my T to ask for an appointment. If for no other reason, to have an hour to worry only about myself.

To me, this sounds so freaking healthy! Isn't that what a healthy termination is? The ability to have your T in your back pocket as a tool to use when needed? This seems like a huge, #1 important thing to do when taking care of yourself during the chaos of life

I love hearing from you, whenever you pop on, your healing journey has been so helpful to me, and to many others on the cafe, I would imagine.

Oh, and congrats on your daughter's graduation!

very very late to the party...I haven't been posting very much either. so sorry, Aglet...it is so so nice to see you. I hope your appointment with T goes well..

Lvoe you,

BB

Hi DF,
Sorry I think we cross-posted and I missed your reply. Thank you for the welcome back. And as always, I appreciate the encouragement that contacting my T is ok!

Seablue
Thank you not everyone would be willing to put their reputation on the line to vouch for my humanity. And I LOVE your new icon btw.

(((Morgs)))

R2G,
Thanks for the congratulations. We’re very excited for her, but when she heads off to college in the fall, we’ll be empty nesters, so the feelings are mixed.

quote:

To me, this sounds so freaking healthy! Isn't that what a healthy termination is? The ability to have your T in your back pocket as a tool to use when needed? This seems like a huge, #1 important thing to do when taking care of yourself during the chaos of life

R2G, I really like your take on this situation much better than my usual one (in my worst moments: how pathetic am I that I have to keep running back ) Thank you for the encouragement. And it’s really wonderful to hear that my journey has helped you, it’s very generous of you to say so.

BB,
I do NOT care when you show up, as long as you eventually do! I love you too.

Aglet

It is lovely to hear that you have a session booked with your t, we shall wait to hear....

It is so good that he is just there for you, when you need him.

Hope the session with your T was a good power-boost for you and all the great work you've done AG!

Thanks Sadly, I really think it's wonderful that he's there when I need him too. It actually helps me to cope a lot better on my own, knowing he's there if I need him.

Thanks R2G, it was a really good session and eventually when I have time (see below) I want to post about it. But short version, he was his usual wonderful self and I felt very connected, accepted and understood. Really good stuff. Thanks for the encouragement.

Update: Evidently my schedule is not going to cooperate. Sorry I have still been so scarce. The outage FINALLY ended last Thursday but on Friday we had to go to NYC to pick up my older daughter from college and then on Sunday my husband ended up in the hospital. He is doing just fine now and is totally out of danger. We noticed he was in atrial fribulation on Sunday afternoon when we were out to dinner with the kids and decided to go the Emergency room as he was symptomatic. His pulse rate and blood pressure was through the roof and he was admitted. They got his pulse and pressure down and yesterday morning did a cardio revert (shock the heart) and he returned to a normal heart rhythm and was discharged yesterday afternoon. I'm finally back at work but way behind from all the missed time.

I'm also just feeling completely depleted. I was really good throughout the whole thing, very calm and taking good care of my husband, but after we got home yesterday and I knew he was ok, I completely fell to pieces (in the bathtub of course ). Partially I just think it's a reaction to the ongoing stress level, but also to the powerlessness of having someone you love in danger and having to just watch other people fix it. Although, don't get me wrong, he had wonderful doctors and nurses and got excellent care. It was just the waiting and not knowing can be triggering.

Anyway, that's where I've been, just wanted to let everyone know. I'm really hoping that we're through all this and will get a chance to remember what normal looks like (brown eyes or blue? tall or short? Really can't remember at this point. ) Being able to actually post on a regular basis would be nice. Miss you all and think of you often.

AG

AG - ((((hugs))) so sorry about your H's health scare, that must have been overwhelming, glad you were able to stay calm when you needed to, but also eventually release that pent up fear and pain when you had space to. Missing you around here, but totally understand the reality of your schedule woes and hope you will be patient and gentle with yourself, taking as much time as you need to recoup. Always happy to see you here, even just to hear how you're doing!

Hello my dearest Aglet...thank you for posting this update. I am sorry that you and your H has to deal with afib and all it's painful effects, but I am also glad that he is ok and that his treatment worked! yay! I am also gald that you weren't far from home this time. I know the episodes are inevitable in ways, so I hope that they will cooperate with being while you are at home!
Can I say that I am inspired and encouraged by your and your H's ability to get on with life in the face of so much stress? This is the kind of thing that would put me over the edge and if I were working I would probably end up quitting or freaking...I think it is lovely and so smart to lose it in the bathtub! And I want to get to the point where life doesn't make me shut down, but brace myself, get the help I need like you have done...and keep moving! Way to go AG! Thanks for sharing. And...this is in no way intended as pressure...but I want you to know that we really miss you around here, 'cause...you're nice! smooch!

(((((((AG)))))))))

AG, I am really sorry about your husband's health scare, it sounds like a very frightening experience. Really glad to hear he is doing ok now. I can totally understand how it all hit you afterwards..you go into survival mode whilst its happening and you have time to reflect afterwards. I hope you are looking after yourself as well as your husband....you deserve a break!

Hugs
Butterfly

Yikes AG, it just never stops!!! Talk about being constantly tested!!! So pleased your H is mending and now that you've had a very normal little reactionary meltdown, you can mend again!!! You can no doubt see how far you've come and how well you've coped with 'so' many blips and bumps!!! Proud to know you AG and you have been missed!

(((AG))) You are one tough cookie. Thinking of you and hoping things settle down soon!!

AG

So so sorry that you and your poor husband have been through such an ordeal - I am glad that he is back to health again now. It is so hard to watch someone you love going through any ordeal, I know it's typical to be strong throughout and then collapse at the end (hurrah for the bathtub ) - it's that realisation of what you've been through and what might have been I guess. Anyway I am so glad that it is all passing now, I hope you both have some time for some rest and relaxation in amongst your bust schedule now.

Take care,

starfish

(((Yaku)))) Thank you. It wasn't as bad as it sounds as it is a known condition, which is lot less scary than being in the hospital and the doctors trying to figure out what's wrong. But you still can't talk yourself out of being scared. Thanks for the welcome.

Beebs, my fine feathery friend (I love alliteration!) thank you for your care, you always make me feel so loved. I am glad that you find us encouraging although right now I'm glad you're seeing me at a distance, I'm a bit of grump right now. Thank you for all the encouragement BB, and letting me know I'm missed. And you're very nice too, dear one.

Butterfly, Thank you, I really appreciate your support and sympathy. It's been really nice to see you about the place again although I am sorry you have been struggling. And I promise I'm doing my best to look after myself.

Morgs, I loved that Yikes. Thank you for all the encouragement. I've missed everyone too, so it's especially nice to hear it goes both ways.

(((STRM))) Thanks! I'd like to try being one of those soft cookies with the chewy center for a while, would that be ok? (But seriously, you're high opinion means so much to me, thank you.)

(((Starfishy))) Lovely to hear from you my dear, thank you for the encouragement and for the reassurance that the way I'm reacting is normal. OK as close as I get to normal.

Things are settling down I think (I'm a little afraid to say that out loud! ) My husband is off from work until next Tuesday at his boss's insistance (really good guy) and we're going away this weekend (close by, only an hour drive) with the kids to celebrate our 25th Wedding anniversary and my older daughter's birthday. We also found out my younger daughter is valedictorian of her graduating class, so there will be gifts for all and much rejoicing. We're going to a nearby resort with a water park and just planning on swimming and hanging out. I think it's just what the doctor ordered.

Thanks again everyone, I do so appreciate being met with such unfailing love and care every time I come here.

yay!!! I hope you have a WONDERFUL weekend away and congradulations about your daughter! that is awesome! and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

This is posted after reading only the original post but AG I had no idea you stopped therapy. That must have been a HUGE step for you. I will continue to read but I had to comment. One thing I remember about you is how hard you try to do things right. I mean how hard you tried to keep things in perspective and how hard you tried to be honest with yourself and your T etc. I think of you from time to time and wonder how you are doing.

jo

Hope you have a great, fun, relaxing and happy weekend away. Congrats on younger daughter being valedictorian... but we already know where she gets her smarts from!

Love
TN

Thank you Jane We had a really nice weekend away and I am presently typing on my new IPad that my wonderful husband got me for our anniversary.It rocks (although I'm trying to get used to typing on the keyboard!) We had some great family time and it was very relaxing. Tomorrow we start digging out from under. I was considering just burning the place to the ground...

Jo!!!! So good to have you back! I have often wondered how you were doing. Life's been a little insane lately so I'm trying to catch back up on the forum. Thank you for the kind words. I "ended" therapy last September (after almost a year of working through what it would be like to leave) but my quite wonderful T has a very generous contact policy so I call or email when I need to and have been back for the odd session here or there when needed. I am doing well although I can really miss my T at times. But a lot of important things have grown out of my doing life more on my own. I really am grateful for all the healing work we were able to do and what I'm able to do now.

I am looking so forward to hearing about how you're doing also. ((((Jo)))))

Thanks TN! Your opinion of me is almost as overinflated as it is welcome. We are very proud of her, she's really worked very hard.

AG