I am happy to announce that I did it!!! I typed up a 3 page letter yesterday telling my T how I felt, about how much her reactions to my telling her about my attachment to her had caused me to feel rejected and abandoned, how hurt I was that she told me she doesn't want me to be "too dependent" on her and that I feel that means she doesn't want to discuss my needs or my feelings, and that I feel like I am at an impasse in my therapy because I don't feel I can trust her with my feelings and don't think she is able or willing to help me. I also told her (in a limited but honest way) about the internet searching and knowing where she lives. Phew!! I wanted her to read it herself, but she wanted me to read it out loud to her, so that is what I did. I didn't look up once to see any reactions she might have had on her face, but she did make a few sounds here and there, and they were sounds of sympathy, not horror or disgust, so that was a good thing. 
Well, I think those of you who know the angst I was feeling are definitely wondering what her reactions to this were. I personally wasn't prepared for or expecting what I got. First, she told me that my letter was beautifully written, and that she knew it took a lot of courage to write all of my feelings down and express them to her, especially because of the fear I was feeling and the risk involved in doing so. Then she apologized profusely for having caused me so much pain and that it had gone on for so long without her realizing my actual feelings or that I was struggling so much, or that my obsession issues were really with her, not my physical therapist. She was really worried that she had totally destroyed my trust in her and asked me if it was completely gone or if I still had any desire at all to try to repair our relationship or if I wanted to just move on. She said she really wanted to help me, that she really cares about me and that her oath to me is to help and to heal, never hurt. Then she started to cry. Now this is a 66 year-old, tough, kick-butt, tell-it-like-it-is, blunt, to-the-point kind of woman, and that is what I love about her (and most likely what I need to find within myself). She can be funny and warm, but "emotional" is not exactly something I had ever thought I would see her be. She asked me if I could ever forgive her. At this point I had been feeling really good that I was finally "heard" and that she was really attuned to my feelings and that she understood how much I had been hurt and the depth of my pain through all of this. It was nice to witness her care for me, but I started feeling guilty at the same time. I so desperately wanted to make HER feel okay. She kept on apologizing until I finally told her I was okay and that I forgive her and she said she was going to obsess about it all day and I asked her please not to and promised her I was okay and we gave each other a hug and she took my hands in hers and we just sat there looking at each other in this strange state of repair while we sat face to face (is this what you'd call limbic resonance, AG?). We both realized and talked about how we had made assumptions about each other and how we need to both work on that.
She related a story to me about a huge mistake she had made a few years ago with a new patient and how it ended up turning out alright in the end, but she could have lost her job over it. She learned a big lesson over it, but was trying to tell me at the same time that communication is BIG, and that I should never put her on a pedestal (which I tend to do with certain professionals I get attached to) because she is very imperfect.
Overall, I felt it was a great session. She told me she knows that attachments in psychotherapy are really important and that she was sorry that she didn't communicate that to me when I brought it up initially. She didn't want me to become so dependent on her that I stopped doing things that she knows I am capable of doing on my own. She wants to see me grow and use the abilities and strengths that she know I have but that she worries I might not think I have. She validated my feelings, made me feel important to her, recognized that what I had to express was difficult and that she appreciated my openness and honesty and willingness to put my vulnerability on the line with her and still try to reach out to her and offer her my trust one more time in giving her a chance to repair our relationship and work things out. I'm really glad I did it, even though it was terrifying and painful. I am now totally exhausted from very little sleep last night and the extreme stress I've been through worrying about this for the past few weeks. I'm so glad it's over. I can honestly say I'm breathing so much easier right now, and I had better sleep like a baby tonight!!!
Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. I re-read all of your posts on my threads last night and they all helped me get my thoughts together and get my morale back up where it needed to be for today. I am so grateful and feel so blessed to have this wonderful place to come to for support and to feel like I am not alone in the world with my issues. Thank you all so very much. You are all wonderful!!!
MTF
I think my poor body and brain really needed some rest after all the stress they've been through with this mess. It's so nice to feel that I'm in a much better place now with my T. I just hope that SHE is feeling okay about it. She gave me two more hugs right before we went out of her office, like she just wanted to be sure I was okay, but to me she seemed really shaken up about it herself, even as we were walking down the hall on our way to the exit. We decided that she will call me (her idea) on the weeks I don't see her so I can have a bit more contact with her, as I've been feeling disconnected with her between my sessions every other week. We'll see how that goes.
). I wish they could just understand that a couple of honest and open answers would go a long way in helping us understand things that to us are really big and important and that just our being able to feel heard, accepted for where we're at, and to have our feelings normalized is huge in our ability to move toward healing. Have you had anymore progress? Please keep me informed!