we are here to listen and support you.

scott

Just wanted to let you know that we are still listening. I am sorry that you are going through such a low time. I have been too for several months. I give you credit for trying to be there for your daughter (and husband). It is hard when we've never had the structure we needed as a child, but at least WE try and we KEEP trying. Certainly you are providing much more and much better for your little girl that our parents did for us. No we're not perfect (never will be.)

My daughter is 22 yrs. old and I look back w/ some regret for my failings as a parent. We've talked extensively and I've apologized for my failings-and there were many. My daughter tells me "Mom you weren't as bad as YOU think you were. Yes, I remember there were times you sent me to my room b/c you were stressed out.Yes, I remember that you yelled when you lost your temper. But I remember many more good times with you and I treasure how close we were and continue to be. I think I turned out ok." Maybe just a foregleam into your future w/ your daughter someday. Don't under estimate telling your child that it is not her, that you are not mad at her, and apologizing when you do fall short.-We ALL do. First thing children want to do is to blame themselves. Just reassure her the best that you can. I am sure you're being harder on yourself too. We are good at that aren't we?

I understand that feeling alone can be very big burden. so in that you are not alone. You are understood. You are valuable and worthwhile. Look into your daughter's eyes and notice how SHE looks at you.

Just a side note: My T taught me to visualize and go back to my little girl self and nurture her. Have you learned to do that? It's amazing.

Anyway, I hope you are doing better.

Thank you JM. It really helps to hear that your daughter feels like she turned out just fine. That is what I hope for.

I have tried to nurture that little girl inside but unfortunately I have locked her so tightly in the closet to protect her that she hasn't come out to play in a long time. I'm working on it though.

Thanks Again!

Hi River,
I'm sorry to hear about the place you're in, its a very familiar one for me. I know how difficult it can be. Sometimes it just seems really unfair that not only do you have to deal with the normal wear and tear of life but have to deal with the fallout of a bad childhood and all the issues that brings on top of it. Sometimes it can all feel like too much.
And I agree with Just Me, we are often too hard on ourselves, you are doing much better in reality than you think you are. Just the fact that you are aware of what your daughter needs puts you way ahead of the game.
The loneliness gets so difficult, I think, because it brings the past back so vividly, and its a difficult thing for people to understand who haven't been through it. We understand what you're going through. And its not a sign of failure or wrongness on your part, what you are going through is a testament to your determination to live your life, and not just endure it.

AG

iam new here
have you tried cognitive therapy?

Hi rae,

I don't think I've done cognitive therapy but I am not sure what that is exactly. The two therapists I have seen have both been mixed-discipline types applying whatever therapy they thought would work best for whatever it was we were working on.

Can you give me a definition?

Thanks

hey river: cognitive therapy involves monitoring your own thoughts when you are feeling depressed. it helps you recognize that some of your own thoughts are making matters worse. It involves a lot of work that you do between sessions. a good book is "feeling good" by dr. david d burns. its a fairly old book but a good one. im sorry i cant describe it better but it works eventualy. i thought it might be for you because you can do it at home. it can be in conjunction with other therapy. especially if you get really bad between visits. bye now
rae

Hi River,

Just checking back with you to see how you are doing. I was thinking about some techniques that I learned that enabled me to listen to my inner child. It actually started with a protocol that my T was reading to me about secure attachment base and ideal parents. She read off a couple lines at the end of a session once and intended that we would discuss this in more depth the following session. But just that idea alone triggered something inside of me. I started to imagine what it would be like to have “ideal parents.” I recognized this as being very similar to a coping mechanism that I employed as a child fantasizing about how I wished my parents were. I usually fantasized that I had different parents. I would imagine that they loved me and spent time playing with me, never yelled, daddy didn’t drink and make mommy cry. We were happy and I would be held and I felt safe. I allowed myself to visualize happy moments and notice what that would feel like. It felt so good. When I returned the following week and told my T how this worked out she was amazed because she did not teach me how to do this, it just naturally took place with a slight inspiration and mention of “imagine your ideal parents.” Who by the way can be anyone you want: Your real parents fulfilling that role, make believe parents, or someone else’s parents.

In a way we can become our ideal parents. We can go back to a critical time and nurture that little child who is still yearning for love and attention. We can provide that, if you will, by fulfilling our own fantasy. Telling our child-self how much we love them. Just as you do for your daughter. So many times in therapy when discussing some of my parent’s failures I would state that “I would never do that to my daughter,” or “I would do this for my daughter.” So my T told me to abreact that for “my little girl-self.” I imagined holding my little girl-self after one of her frequent nightmares, which was the result of a real life, terrifying incident. I held her in my arms and rocked her back and forth. I experienced exactly what she was feeling by way of body memory and I took the time to sooth her as if it had just happened. I imagined her falling asleep in my arms and I tucked her into bed. I was surprised how it actually worked. I hope this makes sense and I am not being too vague. I have written a book on my whole therapeutic experience and learning to listen to my little girl-self and I included some details on how I implemented this. After I complete the final touches (which seem endless because I want it to be perfect) I hope to publish this as a self help memoir. My T thinks that it would be very helpful to other clients and Therapists as well, and in turn a great catharsis for me.

I hope that you are feeling better, River. It really does sound like your little girl-self is trying to get you to hear her. I find that it consumes a lot of more energy when we suppress those memories and those feelings attached to them, leaving us drained and unable to give what we need to our current circumstances. The loneliness we feel sometimes is still the loneliness that belongs to our little girl self. I believe that as we fulfill our own childhood needs and longings we also become better parents ourselves. Just some thoughts I had with you in mind. I hope that I am not being overly familiar or too assuming.

Thank you for thinking of me JM, and for your post.

My T asks about my little girl-self all the time and definitely believes that if I can let her out more and nourish her then I'll feel a lot better. There is so much sadness surrounding the thought of it though that every time I picture her I just weep. I know crying is good but I can only take so much at a time. I have also found it helpful to do things for my daughter that I wish I had had as a child. When I nurture her I am also nurturing myself.

I am impressed that you have been able to get your journey down on paper and have the courage to publish it. That is fantastic! I learn so much from other people's stories, I hope I can read yours someday.

It was good to hear from you River. I can empathize w/ the sadness surrounding our little girl-selves. That was a very sad time in my life as well. I was a very scared, lost and lonely little girl. Weeping for them is good, it leads to giving them a voice.

I agree that nurturing your daughter can be self-nurturing, so long as that does not consume us to the degree that we fail to recognize our own needs as separate from their needs. It is easy to get sub-consciously wrapped up in trying to fix every thing that was wrong with our childhood through theirs, which is what I did in the past. Being hyper vigilant to our children can be overwhelming for them since they probably do not experience the same circumstances that we did growing up. (Thankfully!)Certainly by recognizing our potential to be good parents who can meet the needs of our children, we can thus see a quality in ourselves that we can use to become self-nurturing. Does that make sense? I hope I’m not babbling. Am I babbling? Stop me if I’m babbling.

Anyway, I am not here to give advice, which is what I am afraid I am starting to sound like. I am as much reinforcing what I have already learned for myself, not just because I think I have so much to teach you or any one else for that matter.

All that being said, we will give voice to our little girl-selves when we are ready. No one can tell you when you should do that. Each of us is different. I know that it took me 2 years of therapy before I even started to give her a voice. Not that I didn’t receive a gentle nudge from my T now and then. Now I am also giving voice to my infant-self which is…interesting.

Tal to you later,
JM