Hi I am new to the site so you are welcome to take my post with a pinch of salt.
I have been with H 13 years married 7. H has said that my therapy has changed me which I took as a criticism initially. Part of mine has been about standing up for myself which has apparently made me a smart alec (actually it was less polite than that). The relationship has changing and over the course of time my H has said yes its changed me but has admitted its for the better of the family. Due to the type of T I have been having I havent even brought up my own S/abuse- just about ready to talk about it now but therapy sessions are ending (British NHS)and not ready to trust someone else.
My H has also said that he is sad that he can't be the one to heal me and I think that there is an element of jealousy there from mine esp as my T is male.
I think I saw in another post that you have attended with your daughter in the past- I wonder if it would be possible or beneficial for your husband to attend with you not necessary whilst you discuss the abuse but to help you as a couple come to terms with the changing dynamic within your relationship.
Regards
J

Yaku,

Yes, definitely yes. I've had many conversations with my H about this. Early on when I went back to therapy I was pretty distant and he didn't like that. Then as time went on, about six months into therapy I was diagnosed with DID and my H was thrown for a really big loop. He is worried that the person he married won't be here when I am done with therapy, he worries that I don't really want to be here, he says he often doesn't know who I am etc. I keep telling him that it's all still me, but of course I am going to change. That's the point! He doesn't like to hear that though because he thinks I will change and no longer want him. He is also quite jealous of the relationship that I have with T and he wants to be the one to "fix" me. I (and my T) have told him that it can't work that way, but he still wants it to be. Over time as I've done work in therapy I've become better at being more open with my H and letting him in more with what is going on in T. He knows that this is not a fast process and it is going to be a bit of a roller coaster for a while. It is better though than it was at first.

Hang in there!

Yaku,
Lots to say, but no time right now! but I'll be back.

AP

I think one of the ways I am changing is that I do stand up for myself more in the relationship. i thought I did before but actually I quite often let my husband emotionally bully me and then the kids picked it up from him and slowly drip by drip they were all doing it and I just got used to it. When in therapy i recounted some incident about being at uni and my husband saying, 'well if SHE got into that one, it can't be much good' (It happened to be Stanford) my therapist gave me an article about emotional abuse and now when they do it, I just say 'this is emotional abuse' and they stop.
So yes, I did change.
Our biggest difficulty is that my husband wishes we both earned proper wages - I work a little part time well under the national average and for my qualifications and he earns a lot but is heavily taxed. If I earned properly we would be able to have a car that isn't 15 yrs old etc etc. He objects to the fact that being in therapy at the moment means I have cut down even more on my work and although I still work about half time, I earn much less. So that is hard.
He is allowed to phone my sweetP and talk to him, being NHS, sweetP is kind of there to talk to the families etc if they want to. So they have had some conversations on the phone so that my husband feels included a bit. Also they have met three times, once on Xmas Eve, once for the family meeting and once yesterday because H drove me there and waiting with me in the waiting room ( and for the first time sweetP was on time!)
I am rambling, I tend to go on a bit,
dynamics between partners change when one is in therapy, so what you are experiencing is normal and very common. Keep communicating and as one of the others said, you can always have a few couples sessions.
good luck with it, Yaku.

Thanks for your responses, JJ, STRM, AG.

JJ - We have been with our H's almost the same amount of time. I've been with H since just before I was 18 (over 12 years) and we'll be married for 8 years in June. The changes my H is talking about are my attachment to T, my lack of dependence on H, my connection with abuse/trauma that I used to just "rise above" making me depressed whereas I used to always be on top of things, take care of him, our daughter, our finances, our house...without asking for anything other than him to spend time with me. I feel like T has me back to being little, where I need to be taken care of, but H cannot do it (nor do I expect him to), but he thinks I'm asking him to. H actually started with T first. A few times last year, I came in with him (and brought our now 2.5-year-old) so T could get to know our family. Then, in September T thought I should probably get some help for the incident that brought H in, and since then I have been going on my own. I'm kind of afraid to do joint sessions, because of my attachment stuff. Also, T always says H "thinks the world" of me, so I think H only connects with his feelings about me and my therapy when we're in the middle of arguing about it and wouldn't explore with T other than to say he was sorry and wrong for the argument before. But, a day later, he would be completely convinced that I am becoming non-functional and pissing him off again.

STRM - I keep trying to ask H if he is not OK with my attachment with T. I have been so open with H all the time. I keep telling T and H that I am doing this, because I want to make sure the emotional intimacy in my marriage stays strong as I become vulnerable/comfortable/attached to someone else. T is really encouraging in this...he thinks it's awesome that I took the initiative to protect my marriage in this way, without any prompting. However, H does not react well to it. He tells me to stop turning him into a second therapist, he has a lot of judgment for the things I try to say, if I don't agree with his interpretation of things then I might as well not even talk to him about it, he gets angry when I feel like I can't change certain things, and confused and agitated when I want to refuse to put a limit (even a large one, like five years) on my therapy experience. He also notes how erratic I am, which I attribute to my "states" as I call them. I'm sure full-on DID must make things even MORE confusing in your family. I have a lot of dissociation, but until recently, I was pretty sure my memory is mostly intact. At worst, I have some past stuff that is not all there, but I think I am co-conscious with all my states...no real gaps. I hope it does get better as we go. Sometimes H is so reassuring, like he will be OK with whoever I become. Sometimes, even though he says he will love me no matter what, he acts like I am horrible for becoming so nonfunctional and wanting my own space to process all my pain...a lot of which I'm coming to realize has been caused by his condition and the dynamic I set up in our relationship of me being responsible for everyone's needs except my own and refusing myself the "luxury" of needing and depending on others.

AG - Eagerly awaiting your input. Always love to hear what you have to say!

Sadly, crossposted. Thanks for the input. Oh, I went to Stanford! Yeah, not so great of a school. H has a two-year-degree and I have a B.A. from Stanford and I earn about $10K a year watching another child while home with my daughter (trying to get this attachment thing right with her at least) and H earns over $100K in telecomm. We almost transferred to the UK last year, but they wanted him to take a 35% paycut and we would have lost everything we owned here. He's supposed to be going out there in June for a business trip. I wish our daughter and I were able to go with him, but it's a bit expensive and the company won't cover it. Is this stupid? I know I can do joint sessions, but between my weekly, H's every other week and telling T I wanted to pay him something for his phone sessions he has been offering, there is no way we can afford more (therapy is all actually becoming debt for us right now)...and I don't want to give up my individual session to go in together. It's so selfish. I don't want H to have to give his up, because he only goes every-other-week. But, I am barely making it four days at a time without my T right now (when we do phone sessions). I guess I just have to give it up and do what is best for my family, but my attached "Kiddo" as T has called me, is screaming, "NO! That's MY time alone with Daddy! I don't want to share!"

Yaku,

For what it's worth, I'm largely co-conscious with all of my parts as well. I can have gaps, especially if young parts have been out in T, but generally as far as day to day life goes I'm co-conscious or can get the info quickly about what is going on. I don't switch the the extent that most people would have a clue that I have DID. Sometimes my H can tell, but nobody else would have a clue.

I know what you mean about taking care of everyone else. That has been a sore point for H as well. Before I got to the point that I had to go to T, I was the one who kept everything going and took care of everyone's needs. This is not to say that my H didn't work hard or take care of me, he did, but he was much more used to me focusing on everyone else. That focus has shifted to me putting myself first and often that results in H having to pick up slack that he didn't used to have to do and that has been hard.

T hasn't even told me anything diagnosis based. He says that I seem to have dissociated a lot of stuff and that it needs to be integrated...but he never labels me. All I know is that I have these different ways of being that do not agree with one another. I had a couple of them on lockdown for years and years, but as soon as T showed me he cared enough to really know me, they came out to play (i.e. wreak havoc, because they were pissed, I guess). Sometimes, I think it's all in my imagination...but it feels very real. Even H says I'm becoming very unpredictable, which I'm wondering is him getting to know my different ways of being.

quote:

and I don't want to give up my individual session to go in together. It's so selfish.

quote:

I guess I just have to give it up and do what is best for my family, but my attached "Kiddo" as T has called me, is screaming, "NO! That's MY time alone with Daddy! I don't want to share!"

Yaku- hi, I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to quickly reply to what I quoted above that you wrote. I'm very concerned that what I have been writing about my situation may have triggered this thought in you- that might be me, being paranoid- but just in case I'm right, I want to clarify a few things about our situations. There is no way that you should be feeling "selfish" for not bringing your H into your therapy right now. Can I just point out:

1.You have only been in therapy for 7 months and are making progress- not the case for me- it's been two years, and not a lot of progress has been made due to my marital situation.

2. Clearly your h is willing to do his own work- he even has *his own* T- and doesn't seem to need you to drag him kicking and screaming into therapy- also not the case in my situation. My H will not go, unless I am there with him.

3. Your trauma seems more significant than mine, and you absolutely need a safe place of your own at this point, where there are not overlaps. If at some point in the future you *all* decide to have a joint session or two, it will be because the time is right for that, and it will feel right to you.

4. Your T doesn't seem to think it is absolutely crucial for your progress as mine does- for you and your H to come see him together at this point.

5. You do not have a severely reduced therapy budget because of H not allowing/strongly resenting a lot of money to go for therapy- at least it seems- although there is probably some natural resentment- this allows you to- although very difficult for you- maintain two therapies, which is a much better situation.

These are just a few of the things that are different between your situation and mine- there are undoubtedly more than this. I think it is great that your H is willing to go to a therapist. Mine is not, in fact, in our last joint session my H clearly stated to my T that he did *not* sign up for this, it's *my* thing, and that he doesn't want to do it unless it is something that I'm basically making him do as an ultimatum. SO- I just want to tell you that you have every right to keep your T for yourself, and that is the point your are at, and it seems like the smartest idea. As soon as 6 months ago, my T had agreed that my H should not be included yet, and that neither was I ready for such a step. So, now he's thinks differently and there are good, but very individual reasons for that- that I have not posted here, not all of them. You are *not* selfish for doing it the way you are- you are wise. If that changes in the future you will become aware of that, and it will feel right to you. Just let the process take care of itself, trust your lovely T, and don't try to move to fast, or make yourself do stuff that doesn't feel right to you. That would just delay your progress.

Hope this helps a bit- if I'm assuming too much, forgive me. I just had to be "on the safe side."

Hugs,

BB

BB - No worries. I have been afraid of having to share with H since before I came on this forum to look up transference. So, no, not on you by any stretch of the imagination. Thanks for the reassurances, though. H was very angry last night about things he doesn't get to have because I am doing so much therapy. Today, he is acting like he's just glad I'm in a healing process and that him being pissed off has nothing to do with me or therapy. I can't tell if *I* am switching and just seeing him in a more idealized way today or if his mood swings are as bad as mine are. It's very confusing to me. One day, I think he is disgusted by who I am becoming...the next, he is just so happy that I put up with him, forgive him, work on our marriage and am trying to heal and become a more "whole" person. As if my being confused about MY identity weren't bad enough!!!

I think if it had not been for the traumatic incident that H experienced (don't know if you read about the sexsomnia stuff in the other thread), it was really not an option to NOT go to counseling. Not only was it traumatic for him and me and the others involved, but it was recommended by the sleep doctor to get into counseling for whatever part of it might be psychological (i.e. how his sleep disorder manifests physiologically linked to his "addiction").

Financially, therapy is becoming debt right now. My sessions alone cost more than I bring in per week with my childcare business. Luckily, H sees it as a worthwhile investment, even to the point where if we lost our condo, he might be pissed, but would eventually consider it "worth it" if I recover. The hardest part is he sees it like an auto repair shop. I am all banged up and T will work on me for a certain amount of time and I will come out shiny and new and be fine without any more work for a very long period of time. I, however, would like to know that I have the option of continuing (even just monthly or a few times a year) after I am "healthy." Like to further my growth or like having regular well-checks with your doctor even when you're not sick...I don't know. Maybe that IS selfish, but I didn't think the idea of just having to cut off therapy when H thinks I'm "all better" was helping me. It just makes me scared to keep opening up to T the way I am.

DF - Thanks for the explanation. I really don't know which would be more accurate for me. Like I have at least two that seem like what you call ANP and they are both quite functional/positive, but don't really overlap each other. The others are more like what you described as ego states and may not be so fully developed. Around T, since transference began, I also feel like there is just this scared little kid there all the time, which is humbling (I'm trying to step away from it being humiliating and see it in another light). Lately, any time I am in his presence or he is being particularly attentive or if he does something that makes me scared to lose him, I just feel small, scared, alone, needy, etc. I don't know how to explain it or maybe if that's just normal when you have parental transference.

DF - That's OK. I got off topic too! I'm bummed I scared him off saying Kiddo to me. I told him that I like it, but it also hurts, because it makes me feel the absence/loss of that relationship. He hasn't used it since.

I think that I just want to know if all this "integration" stuff he is talking about will make me so different that H will feel like he's lost more than he's gained...or even if I will feel that way about myself. I guess that's a stupid fear.

Yaku,

Is that you and the baby? Beautiful picture. I can't put my finger on why but I don't want to work on my marriage. I don't know if I don't love my H or if I've just sacrificied for too long that now I'm like, I need this time for me. I find my reluctance to work on the marriage to be a little scary. I don't know if it's just that injured part of me who pushes everyone away or if things between H and I just got too far apart that all emotional intimacy is gone. Sometimes I wonder if we ever had emotional intimacy.

My H consumes himself with his job. As long as I'm here for him and he can do what he wants, he is happy. When I was sitting home, putting on weight and getting depressed, he so cheerfully told me how beautiful I was and what a wonderful person I was but never really asked, "so, is everything okay? do you need to see a T?" He doesn't seem to notice my internal states. I just wonder if I ever even really opened up to him and him to me. I think I attached to him but at arms length and he to me at arms length, not in a really meaningful way that fulfilled any emotional needs.

I did tell T that regardless of what happens, I do love my H and he will always be part of my family but I just always feel these expectations with him. I just can't be me. It's like he's always hanging around waiting for me or something. I can't describe it. When the kids were really small and we would be out at say, a parade, and one of them would take off running in one direction and one in the other, I would go running after one and my H would just stick by my side. He never saw it as his responsibility to run after the other kid or stay with the kids who weren't running. It didn't matter how many times I told him, go get that one. He just stuck next to my side like a faithful child. Both of his parents were diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don't know if they were really and truly schizophrenic but they both definitely had serious mental problems. I'm just guessing my H is pretty fragmented.

As I wrote on the other thread, he's supportive of my therapy just as long as I wind up in the same spot right in front on him. Not sure how much work he wants to do. So, at the end of the day, I will have to decide, if he won't do the work, whether or not I want to share my life with him. It's a scary decision to make, with 4 kids. But I was on the verge of suicide so it's a journey I feel I must make.

It's hard to married and going to therapy at the same time.

I just wanted to mention for clarification. It is my understanding that if you had two ANP's you would have memory gaps in your current functioning as two ANP's is basically DID. It doesn't sound like you have those memory gaps. Maybe about the past but not necessarily now in real life. Yes?

Liese - Yeah, the picture was me and my kiddo from maybe a month ago, taken on my webcam. Took it down, because even though I Oilified it to make it look like a painting, when it's that small, it looks exactly like a photo and I was afraid people would be weirded out by me putting a picture up of myself and seeing what I looked like. I guess that's a form of P.A.D. too, LOL.

A lot of your post resonates with me, especially in my H not getting he has a responsibility in the relationship. I just keep blaming myself for it, though, because I did my caretaker thing for so many years and didn't give him much of a role. The thing that's annoying is when I assert my needs, try to take time for myself, really do things for myself that mean taking responsibility for ME (rather than caring for others until I am worn down and wondering why no one takes care of me), THEN he wants to be with me, wants to be intimate, provide care and love. Whenever I am feeling like I want to connect with him, he's off ignoring me and playing video games. It's like he's only interested in me if what I really need is to be alone. I guess it's a good sign that he will like the me I am becoming, but it's hard for me to maintain taking care of myself when he invades that space and asserts his own needs. It's very confusing to me and I end up just dismantling my own boundaries for him, so I can let him in again.

Oh, OK: No, no real gaps, except for occasionally when I am VERY tired, I am not sure whether I have done certain things or not. Gaps are all in the past and trauma related, like witnessing my older sister get abused by my mom's boyfriend (which I don't remember at all, but "knew" the guy caused the damage to the wall where he threw her).

Thanks, BG! I'm trying to frame it as something better coming through what currently feels so much worse.

Yaku - sorry just saw your reply to my post on this thread of yours, (as you know I am a bit over loaded at the moment but trying when I can to catch up with other people's posts - this forum is SO good).
We are fellow alumni! I got an MA from STanford, then went on to do a Ph.D. I am constantly being put down by my H about my intellect, it makes HIM feel better silly men.
Anyway, I was thinking it would be so nice if you could have a trip to England. sometimes we have to grasp these opportunities with both hands. we might even meet up!!

I am off to India March 29th - April 14th but will try to keep posting here.

Personally I would go for more sessions with your T as in the long run, it will mean you feel better and your daughter and your H benefit hugely from that. In the future you will probably earn a lot more and you will look back and think why do I have several thousands in the bank NOW when I could have spent it on therapy back then when I really needed it.

Just my thought.

Hugs to you. Look after that kiddo in you, like i am trying to do to mine.

Thanks, Sadly. What years were you at Stanford? I was there September 1999 through June 2003, working on my BA. I so wish I could go to England with him (but we're probably talking around $2000 for tickets for my daughter and I). Last business trip (October) was right after I started counseling and was struggling with severe depression. I smashed our truck in our parking space in the garage due to some dissociative driving. I was a mess all on my own. I'm kind of scared of how it will be this time, because I'm much deeper with the trauma stuff.

Hi Yaku,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back here. I have definitely experienced what you're talking about with your husband. My DH and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversay in May and I have been in therapy for a large number of those years. My DH has also done extensive work in therapy over the years, so both of us have changed a great deal. But I will say that the change, as scary as it got for both of us, has been really good thing and seen that way by both of us in the end (not always along the way ). And oddly enough, as much as I've changed, I feel more like myself than I ever have.

I think the most difficult thing about changing is often there are unhealthy dynamics in the marriage due to both people's issues (I know that was true for my husband and I. We always said that we both had baggage but at least it was a matching set of Louis Vitton trunks! ). When one spouse goes to therapy and starts to get healthier, they will "push" back on a bad dynamic. The thing is, in order for dysfunctional dynamics to work, everyone invovled needs to do their part, and changing it, even if it's a good thing, is going to make the other person uncomfortable, so they will often "push" back. Bowen's Family System theory discusses a lot of this.

My husband and I both had to face up to things that we were doing that weren't right and the reckoning often came in the form of getting called out on it by the other one, because our own work in therapy made us more conscious of something being wrong.

And it was threatening for both of us. The truth is that a lot of the hard work of marriage is being committed to doing the work of accepting the changes in our spouse and changing along with them. Marriages fail when this doesn't happen. No one stays the same over a long period of years, nor should they if they are healthy. But when there are insecurities or abandonment issues, as there often are in dysfucntional relationships, a spouse changing is very threatening. After all, if our spouse is changing, what is to say they won't change into someone who won't want to be with us anymore? Or who won't love us?

My husband and I handled this by talking about it when we needed to. We promised to be honest with each other and there were many times we reassured each other about our feelings and our committment. But I would be lying to say that there were points along the way where what we were learning about ourselves and how we needed to change didn't threaten our marriage. I think there came a point of deep testing for both of us where we had to think long and hard about why we had chosen to marry each other and was this where we wanted to be? I think my husband and I have a strong, loving marriage now (marital counseling REALLY helped) but we also understand that while we loved each other very much and still do, some of the reasons we chose each other came out of our woundedness. But as difficult and scary as it was to watch each other go through that, we're not both certain that we're here because we want to be, not because we don't have a choice. My first T once told me something very wise: you're not really married until you've seriously thought about leaving.

The other thing that often happens in a marriage is that one person goes for therapy first and therefore, changes first, which puts pressure on the spouse. But something really cool happens, which is that as one person changes and grows, it creates a space in which the other person can grow.

My husband has been fairly supportive of me being in therapy and was very honest that even as uncomfortable as some of the changes were, he liked who I became better. We are much more honest and open with each other now. He recently told me something that meant the world to me. That he wanted me to know that he had watched me work really hard in therapy and it was my changing that allowed him to change. That we were in such a better place because I had worked so hard. That he didn't think he would have been able to change unless I had first done what I did. That was gratifying to hear to say the least.

So what I'm really trying to say is it can be really uncomfortable and make difficulties in your marriage as you change, but if you can face it together, things really do get better in the long run, especially as boundary skills increase. The truth is, in many ways, therapy is part of the "for better or worse" part of the vows. I really related to what STRM said. Although I do not have DID, I didn't remember any of the sexual abuse when we got married. I remembered my dad's alchoholism and anger, but not the sexual abuse. I recovered the memories in my 30s. I really did feel bad that my husband had no idea what he was getting into. But the truth is, we never do. I mean, if he had been crippled in a car accident after we had been married for five years, I wouldn't have been "hey, I didn't sign up for this." So in our better moments, we just see this as the particular trials life has thrown our way. Not that there also haven't been times when my husband has resented therapy and the time and energy it has taken up. But I can't really blame him as I have also resented that.

The truth is Yaku, if things are unhealthy or dysfunctional, changing them is going to help both of you, even if it's not obvious at first or horribly uncomfortable to live through.

AG

Thanks, AG, for sharing your story (and so eloquently, as always).

Yes, H and I have always been committed to the idea that loving each other is a choice that we will make and, to be honest, we have a better marriage than we have any right to considering our history and all the events of the past year (not sure if you were around when that thread came up). I can really relate to your H not knowing what he was getting into. I had vague memory of my trauma, but completely dissociated any feelings about it until just a week ago. I'm feeling concerned there may be more from a very young age that I'm not remembering. I'm hoping not, but I've already had my oldest sister tell me I witnessed our mom's boyfriend physically abuse her (my sister) when I was five and all I can remember is knowing he made a hole in the wall, but not how or why I knew.

***Triggering?*** I know I was left alone with this man, that thinking of him scares me quite a lot, that he threatened me on occasion, that he made creepy (panting/breathing) phone calls to our house for years after and tried to talk to me on the phone...and that I started doctor and bedroom play with the neighbor boy soon after he came into our lives. Also, I had violation narratives present in my mind before either of the two abuse events I do remember... ***End triggers.***

I'm hoping it's all nothing and I'm just being paranoid. Even if I am, my husband's condition means I have relived that exact same scenario with him many times, and worse, and cannot reasonably expect it to stop happening as long as we share a bed. It is such a standard experience for me to not be consensual in intimacy that it has, until only recently, felt completely normal to me. So, I have to imagine I will have a lot more of this stuff coming up and poor H will have to be very patient with me.

However, as long as we're still communicating, both still working, being honest and making that choice to love, I feel that it will be alright. And then it will be better than alright, some day...I hope. T seems to think so! Sorry if my story is at all triggering. I'm trying to be somewhat vague, but since you were kind enough to share yours, I wanted to do so as well. It can be quite freeing, especially sharing with others who understand the experience from the inside.

Yaku,

You've mentioned the doctor play a number of times. Just wondering what you see so alarming about it. I used to play doctor to, in fact was a big fan. Does this mean I was sexually abused and might not remember?

**Triggers?**

I don't know...there is a lot of shame around it and some of it was more like bedroom play (like under blankets naked together with a boy a couple years older than me and I don't remember what we did) than doctor play, if that makes any sense. I don't remember it very well, except my mom's boyfriend (the same one) caught me doing it once and I was very scared about that. It could be nothing at all. I am just getting a very creepy feeling about it even though I haven't thought about it in years. It may just be that coming into touch with later trauma is making anything remotely to do with sex seem scary to me right now. Who knows? Like I said, I'm probably just being paranoid. I just keep having a bad feeling...

Ohh, Yaku, I just googled it and the internet said most psychologists see it as a very normal stage between the ages of 3 and 6 as long as it's with children around the same age. It didn't say the same gender, I don't think, so I think it's okay you were with boys. I remember getting in huge trouble for playing doctor. If the boys were a bit older than you and they were getting some kind of sexual gratification from it, then maybe it would border on abuse???

OK, thanks Liese, hopefully that's the case. I have some other stuff from early childhood through middle school that seems not normal to me (too embarrassed by it to share publicly), but maybe it's just because my parents ignored me to the point where no one explained any of these things to me at all or scared me about them if they did. I just keep having this guy's (mom's ex-boyfriend) face pop into my head and it is scaring the crap out of me, making me feel very icky, but it could be just related to the physical abuse he did to my sisters, which I witnessed, but can't really remember. Like I said, I'm probably just being paranoid, because I'm so activated right now.

Yaku,

It sounds like your mother's boyfriend really scared you. He sounds like a scary dude!!!

Liese

Funny thing is, just like N, I don't remember being scared of Ken (mom's boyfriend) at the time. Like pretty much every other adult or authority figure in my life, I was all about making him like me. And when he would call years later, I would talk on the phone with him. Today, I can't get his face out of my head. It feels like he is inches away from me and I want to run away and throw up. I guess things like this are why T says I "heavily dissociated" feelings like anger, fear, etc.

((((YAKU)))))))