I'm not sure if you're saying you are DIDNos or just exploring those other parts of you. I mean, everyone has has different parts of aspects of our personality. However, for some, like myself, they are more pronounced.

When I fist discovered my 'insiders' as we here call them, I felt totally confused, angry, etc. But as I look back on my life, it all makes more sense! It's a hard pill to swallow, as the saying goes.

Often the 'parts' remain hidden for safety reasons.

I feel for you.

You can send me a private message and I can give you my email if you want to talk more on it in private.

Mary (hugs)

(((((((((JM))))))))))))

Thank you Mary, Summer, HB, AG!

I appreciate your support and reassurance. It just feels like I have to let a lot of posts and welcomes to new members go by because I am so foggy and confused by my inner "circus" right now I can't remember who said what or where, if I responded or said welcome or not. So in order not to look like a major goof I just read as much as I can and sit here in a daze a lot of the time.

To clarify I am DDNOS w/o my T's confirmation because of the dx stigma, but we have talked about it although she forgot she had mentioned the term, but it doesn't take a genius to put the pieces together and when she sadi she doesn't believe I am DID that left one thing: DDNOS which fits into nowhere. No specific category for my dissociative disorder. :/ But the good news, My T believes I should have no problem integrating to full capacity. Someday...

Meanwhile this is a daunting process full of new discoveries and feelings such as "Well that makes sense now!" "That explains every thing!" "And I thought I was just extremely moody." And here's one from my oldest sister; "We always wondered what was wrong..." Mind you she was really being sincere and that was not as crass at it sounds in writing. She accepted this with her whole heart and has been very supportive.

This new awareness and acceptance seems to have awaken a lot of what used to be more like undiscernable noise to "Who said that?" "Whos here?" "Little Kevin, you have to let me drive. We'll call (our T's name here) when we get home." ...Im bargaining with an impulsive 3-5 year old ego state who made me miss my exit on the Intersate by 2 exits Friday.

WHile it has been an interesting process it has its horrifying moments too which culminated into our first "open" conflict and crisis call to my T last night because of it.

So I am often in a stupor, with brief moments of clarity, and then being a playful but ultra sensitive 3-5 year old boy who is excited to have been discovered in is long game of peek a boo! He doesn't want to go into hiding or be quiet and not skip about...seriously.

So if I seem "moody" you'll know why. This is quite early in my discovery phase so I have not set any real rules yet when it comes to posting, but I am aware enough I probably shouldn't have to worry about that too much, but if you catch a hint of immaturity it is probably being strongly influenced by you know who.

JM -

I haven't been "able" to post hardly at all lately either, but I wanted to come out of my shell and say that you're NOT a whiny baby. What you're dealing with sounds incredibly difficult but you're doing the very courageous thing and you ARE dealing with it.

I'm so sorry you're feeling all those things. You've told me on more than one occasion that I don't need to feel alone because all of you on the board are with me. It would be an understatement to say the same goes for you. We all love you, respect you, admire you, and look so forward to hearing from you.

((((JM))))

OW

Hi JM,
I'm sorry that you are in such a rough place right now - I imagine that what you're going through must be very difficult. While our circumstances differ greatly, I can certainly identify with the "discovery phase" you're talking about...

I was just recently, in my late 20s, diagnosed with ADHD, and think that i went through something with grains of similarity to what you're experiencing. In no way am i trying to minimize what you're experiencing, because obviosuly DDNOS/DID and ADHD are very different.

I hope you don't feel like I'm hijacking your thread by posting about my expereince, but I might share about some of the reactions that I had to my diagnosis, and some of the thoughts i had then, and continue to have... They range from:

-well shit, why couldn't anyone have seen this when i was in school, things would have been a lot less hellish for me.
-this explains alot, and even allows me to direct some compassion towards myself about my limitations.
-But I know all these other people who have ADHD and are still way worse off than me, I can't imagine that i would be in the same diagnostic category as them.
-So which of my traits are ADHD in action, and which are me just being a douche, because sometimes everyones a douche and i don't want to use adhd as an excuse.
-Why can't i stop thinking about this and worrying about this - i was never this self-absorbed before...
-i'm not sure this diagnosis is right - i mean there are times when i am just fine, and don't struggle with attention or impulsivity...

anyway - not sure if this is useful or welcome, but i just wanted to connect with you because it must be awful to feel like you're alone in what you're dealing with right now...

you're in my thoughts,
SC

quote:

well shit, why couldn't anyone have seen this when i was in school, things would have been a lot less hellish for me.

SC

Just want to make a comment on this. It is by no means an excuse or meant to tell you that everything was done correctly for you. As an elementary educator (for more years than I want to tell you) and the parent of an ADD son who is in his early 20's, you grew up in a time of denial in the medical world. As educators, we could see that some children had difficulties focusing. Unfortunately we were not educated enough to know the signs of ADD/ADHD or the seriousness of it. Dr.s were very hesitant to agree that a child had something that could be eased by medication, and most children were labeled as lazy or just hyper.

My son was in 6th grade before I finally figured out why he struggled so. Why he seemed to go "off" to another planet so much of the time. And that he had no control over this and was NOT a lazy child or one who was just trying to be difficult. I had to fight for help and while I do not think that medication is the answer for every child, it was the best one for my son.

Having been through this, I am now much more capable as a teacher to see the warning signs in one of my students. And the earlier teachers, parents and Dr.s collaborate with each other about a child's symptoms, the better for the child.

I agree that if someone had noticed this for you when you were in school, you would not be going through what you are today. I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time and I hope that therapy is truly helpful for you to resolve these things. I just wanted to give you a little history from the perspective of someone who was around in the days of your early education.

PL

JM,

I'm so sorry you are going through such hell. I understand how this whole odyssey of going into therapy for what seems like one issue, then having the world's largest can of worms explode in your face seems unbearable, and at times it is. But somehow, you'll get through it. We all will.

And the fog. Oh yeah, I know the fog well. My fog is an actual, physical thing that I can feel in the front of my head, and it's just this heavy sense of fear that can hang around 24/7. Yeah, it's real fun, and I can tell you that it doesn't help one's mood one bit.

I know nothing about your diagnosis or about dissociative disorder, but I just Googled it and just glancing over the symptoms it seems like it could apply to myself and an awful lot of people I know...

anxiety, depression, bad memory, irritability...

When I'm having a "bad" day (which is at least 2 or 3 a week) I have all these symptoms. One day I was so messed up I forgot that I had to drop my car off to get serviced and didn't remember until that night.

I know I'm sort of all over the place here, but sometimes I think that, at the end of the day, our symptoms are our souls crying out to let us know that something is wrong. And the more you get to the heart of the matter, the more the ego resists and tries to protect itself, causing all sorts of suffering, which is why it gets worse before it gets better.

I would say that the fact that you completely understand and are aware that something needs addressing puts you way ahead of the game.

So if being moody, foggy, forgetful, anxious and depressed means you "have" one dx or another, well, I guess me and half the people I know are right there with you. You're not alone, that's for sure!

Hang in there,
Russ

Thanks OW, SC, Russ.

You are all very kind. I started feeling a little better for a little whie today and then spiraled into another episode later this afternoon. It was not as bad as last night, but still enough that it makes me feel like I am ready for the psych ward and I feel so deperate to want this to stop. I don't know how to describe it right now, but it was seriously frightening. My T was almost too calm when she called me back today as if this is no big deal and happens all the time. Ok but it feels like someone is ripping my brain apart, but thats ok because this is what happens. I know that is not what she meant, but she was just trying to normalize this and reassure me. Thats all she can do over the phone. I guess short of saying "My poor baby I am so sorry you have to go through this, let me kiss it and make it better," I'm not so sure what I want her to say.

I am more calm right now and hopefully it will last. It really helps to share it here and I really appreciate all the feedback.
JM

quote:

Originally posted by Just Me:
I know I must sound like a whiny baby, but lately I am in such a fog that I can't hardly read or participate on forum and when I do I feel so out of touch. I am learning that I do have several ego states that exist within me and have since entered into quite a discovery phase of some of them, but I still doubt myself and feel like this is all my imagination and that I must be making this all up. How can I just be finding out about this? Why wasn't it discovered earlier?

Perhaps because of my own self doubts and unsureness I don't feel like I belong in the DDNOS/DID world either. But with everything that is going on with me I can't deny this is not something anyone can make believe. I feel so alone, afraid, confused, and insecure, and so self absorbed I can't even stand myself.

I can totally relate to everything you have just said... Feeling like a whiny baby (perhaps you are a baby right now....a baby that needs nurtured, love and attention)...its hard to be an adult and need the attention a baby should get... You need all that attention that you didn't get and so its almost like WHY CAN'T THE WORLD REVOLVE AROUND ME??! Because as a baby the world should have... If that makes any sense.. idk lol

I have a child who needs that attention and meanwhile its like I am bumping heads with him, I can't be a mom and get my needs met. Its frustrating...

I do understand feeling you made it all up... because I too feel I have different ego states that all have a mind of their own... and its hard to understand that. It seems unreal! But why else would we be like this?

Denial is a *****.. Its great, because it protects us, but while being "protected" we miss out on life and all its pleasures.

When I was a little girl I went to therapy for being molested and I never said it happened... I never said a thing. And my therapist was one of the best ... There are so many things I think of.. WHY wasn't this stopped .. why is anything like it is.. and who is right/who is wrong.. Its crazy.. its VERY confusing.. its lonely and I can see why you are insecure.. who would feel secure feeling all that you are...

I expect my therapist to make it all better too and sometimes when I am feeling so crappy there is no way in hell she could ever make it better.

I hate it!! But the fact that you are aware of your ego states and the fact that you are dealing is GREAT.. it will get better... And I know how it is to not be able to stand yourself, but you will love yourself after being able to understand more.... It will work out in the end! Feel better!

quote:

Originally posted by Just Me:
...I feel so deperate to want this to stop...

I don't know how to describe it right now, but it was seriously frightening....

it feels like someone is ripping my brain apart...

JM,

This is *exactly* how I felt last Monday, a day when you and so many others here helped me get through a truly awful day. The pain is, literally, indescribable, but I recently read William Styron describe his symptoms as "stifling anxiety, agitation and unfocused dread." That's about as close as I can get to describing my own pain. I'm sure yours is just as hard to describe.

I think this kind of pain eludes description because the place it comes from - the soul, the heart, somewhere else - eludes description.

In any case, JM, I hope you are able - in whatever way you can - to calm the awful pain at least a little. A low dose of anti-anxiety med often works for me, as much as I hate taking that stuff.

Russ

This is so hard because one moment I am fine and then the next moment I am caught up in such a tital wave of emotions and somatic memories that I can't distiguish past from present and then I am left in a daze unable to even sort through what just happened and why. Its like I keep getting that recording "All circuits are busy, please try your call again later."

quote:

The pain is, literally, indescribable, but I recently read William Styron describe his symptoms as "stifling anxiety, agitation and unfocused dread."

Russ,
It is indescribable, but this sounds about right. (insert "stifling anxiety, agitation and unfocused dread." emoticon here)