Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
10 replies

I don't feel real

catalystcatalystMember
Honestly, I just need some support right now with losing my Ts and the stability there - it's hard to talk about. I get nervous I'm worthless and need to disappear and am trying so hard not to. I feel self conscious about the whole world... And I've lost the confidence I oftentimes carried. I can't get in to much about the details because I'm just so so so confused.

So, irritating as I may be sometimes or charming as I may be sometimes or however I am... Anyone have some spare hugs or can lie to me that it will all be okay?

Even cat videos on YouTube aren't helping me. I haven't felt this... Despondent, this alone, confused, desperate and... Lost floating on space as I am right now. I just need to know I exist somewhere despite my distancing. :/ I'm in this perpetual dissociated haze completely controlled by younger vulnerable long compartmentalized feelings, my limbs or the face in the mirror often confuse me with how little I allow myself to exist or belong anywhere. I'm scared everyday about forgetting who I am in a weird way.

I seem to belong to the sky and only in my memories... So much change that I forgot Cat somewhere and I'm left scrambling for a reliable second autopilot to help but nothing is willing to come to the surface because breaking through a thick cloud of... Depression? Anxiety? Is too much.

I've never wanted to want, to need. Now I do.,. And I'm realizing the painful loneliness in that because the void seems impossible to fill. Yet... T tells me it's healthy to need, to want to fill that gap even though there is scarce therapy and little else consistent right now because of upheaval...

I'm that little girl again locked in my room, in chaos, unsure what happens when the door is finally unlatched - who will be there? Can it ever be someone safe or does it always have to be violent (like I am to myself right now) or a mirror that can't reflect me because I've finally become invisible (safe). Therapy taught me to pound at the door again... And it's pointless. I want my safety back.,. And that's always been my belief I need no one and can so anything.

Now adding on to so much change is... So much loss rather than strength right now. Even breathing feels like taking too much, asking for too much.

Does this make sense? Am I real? Should I be seen? Can I?
Or have I pushed just everything away? What works anymore!!

Sigh. I'll keep this up for a bit. I just needed to get it out.

Xo
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
(((((cat))))) i'm at work and don't usually post when i'm at work, but i saw your thread and wanted to let you know that i'm so sorry you're in so much pain now. yes, you are real and you can and you should be seen!!! please hang in there and know you're valued. i value you! good for you for getting it out. i sincerely hope you're feeling better soon. big, gentle and safe hugs for you
B bltMember
After I moved the last time, I had several months of not totally being real. One day I realized part of me did NOT want to be where I was, and once I let that feeling be known, it was as though I suddenly snapped into the here and now. I guess I wonder if you don't have some very mixed feelings about the transitions you are in now and parts of you that don't even want to accept everything that's happening? Hence making you feel unreal in some way?
lucylucyMember

You are real. You exist. You can be seen, and you deserve to be seen.
I hope you can knock on that door again - and be gentle and kind to yourself because you deserve it.
Despite the chaos and upheaval you are experiencing - you are strong. Changes and adjusting takes time - you're going through losses with this and mourning.
It's ok to search for and ask for what you need.

catalystcatalystMember
I will write more soon, to reply to everyone, I was at work late today and need to wake up in about 5hours 6hours.

I just had to update… I'm so thankful for you guys today… thank you ((lucy)) ((BLT)) ((SP)) ((CD))

This helped so much through the day to check and read your wonderful words of wisdom. It's… hard. I sort of sat here trying to reply for a while and I am just overwhelmed.

I did have a chance to talk to T briefly on the phone today… and it seems to go okay and I feel myself banging from anxious to settled, back and fourth. I get off the phone and take a nice breath and feel calm… and then that calm triggers a tidal wave of anxiety.

We can't really talk about anything because it's so activating… what I really wish I could do was TELL her stuff going on so I could get some containment. Instead, it's just sort of peripheral checking in… where we just connect and I just want to spill myself in to the phone. We can't do processing, so I can't open but everything gets shaken up.

I'm judging myself so much… with what's going on… a pillar of stability would be really useful and yet circumstance doesn't allow that for me right now. So it's like I occasionally am helped up out of the mud, and now I just want to lay in it. I'm tired of reaching out.

T tries to get it to the past saying that people weren't there before, they left, etc. Well… granted SHE isn't leaving… but I am (against my will unless I would like to lose my job). I don't even know how it is different Frowner I feel abandoned by fate I guess.

I take out so much rage on myself and my body right now trying to figure this all out. It is probably how it was when I was little and I didn't have to feel it… and now it's all felt on this other stuff. I feel like my T doesn't care or understand… that the change is just an "oh well, it'll work out" or as if she is judging me thinking "Okay loser, you've overstayed your welcome and you're not moving on".

So sorry to need to type that out… it's so hard to reply individually and I want to tomorrow because your words have been so moving and meaningful today… every time I try now I just weep. When I don't know how I feel about me I am frozen.
catalystcatalystMember
I just wanted to say thank you so much for the support you offered so generously. and i'm sorry i can't/couldn't respond more appropriately, or timely. your words stayed with me last week and helped more than you can ever know… ever, ever.

((CD)) ((SP)) ((BLT)) ((lucy)) ((ninna)) ((SB))

Hug two

i'm so.. so triggered with this stuff right now Frowner i'm struggling. i had a good, gentle weekend but i'm dizzy with dissociation and confusion right now. i get so expressive and write here and then later i read and it's like someone else wrote it.

thank you again… you guys are helping me through one of the roughest times i've seen.
catalystcatalystMember


I'm feeling like my T is giving up on me. My heart is so empty lately... I just don't get it. Ugh.

I've been trying to beat down what I know is a much littler, younger, part of me. Yesterday she said she gets confused on what I need... That she feels she can't do anything.

It's a bit hopeless and feels like... Ugh. I keep trying to just push my feelings away and i do it for a while, then they scream out until they are under control. They can't get smaller enough, I can't get small enough.
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Cat... I know it might not feel this way... but maybe it is safe now to begin to let those littles speak. You/they have be silenced enough. Does your T 'get' dissociation? Maybe you could find a little space each day and let out some drawing, writing etc. Put it in a box and take it to your T?

Sorry if any of that isn't useful. I've kind of been where you are at. And whilst I'm not exactly ok now, I have found that it isn't as pressured if you dont crush those voices/parts down so hard. I've a complete headful this morning and my throat hurts - feels like screaming trapped. Just noticing rather than fighting it.

((((Cat)))))

SB

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×