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16 replies

I don't have the energy for therapy

I incognitoMember
Hi all,

I've been sick this week with a cold which always tires me out but therapy is exhausting me. I thought things would get easier after talking to T about my trauma and realizing that I really could trust him but it doesn't. When I told him that yesterday he told me that it is because he keeps pushing things and we were having conversations about intense things that we couldn't have had 6 months ago.

The last few sessions we've been talking about my childhood and how my parents treated me and my siblings. I've always known my parents were strict and didn't care about us unless we were behaving exactly how they wanted. My mother in particular was always more concerned with appearance than reality. I used to tell people my mother specialized in living in her own reality and forcing me to live in it too.

I'm so confused after my sessions. I'm a mixture of emotions. I feel awful and then I think it wasn't so bad and mhy T is overreacting and encouraging me to. Then I think does it really matter because I'm the problem in my life now. I'm the one who has trouble with relationships, parenting, overeating, self injury etc. and I'm too old to blame it on my parents. Then my T will say some minor thing and I'll think he doesn't believe and he thinks I'm a whiner which goes against everything else he said in session.

Last night I told about my sister and my cousin backing my parents car into traffic. My dad spanked my sister with a belt until she told the truth about what happened. She was 3 and I was 5 and he said "tell me the truth, were you in the car" and she would say no and he would hit her. Eventually someone asked her if she knew what the truth was and then explained it was what really happened so she admitted it. My T asked me what kind of car it was because they shouldn't have gone into gear without the key. Of course I don't know what kind of car it was I was a 5 year old girl. In my disturbed night after the session I wondered if he was trying to tell me my memory couldn't be correct and I ended up emailing and calling him today to ask him if he didn't believe me.

I hate the fact that my feelings are all over the place. I want to quit therapy and never go back but I would miss my T. and I hate my T for keeping me talking about my childhood. Does it ever get better or do you spend all your time in therapy talking about your miserable life?
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J janedoeMember
Hey incognito
Hope you feel better soon.
*jane hands over 'virtual'chicken soup*

I'm sorry for what you have been through. I can't say much other than I can relate to how draining and hard therapy can be. I can also say that for me, it does get better, and then it gets harder, but then it gets better again. It has taken a lot of time for me to get to the point where therapy actually feels like it helps me be more free and not just weighed down even more... it makes it worth it for me to find more freedom to be me... I have to take breaks at times too or I get too overwhelmed and would give up or worse.

I hate talking about the past. My T and I talked about it some today and it just zaps me. Over time, it does help... but man, I agree... it's rough at times. There is an analogy my friend uses to explain the therapy process that I am reminded of... I'll see if I can find how they word it. In a nutshell, it's like I have been walking in an upside down world my whole life, and now it's being turned rightside up - but that means I have to learn a whole new way to walk. It's better in the end, but it takes a huge toll. Sometimes I just want to leave everything as it is and continue in the dysfunctional. My brother and I joked recently how our family functions, just in a dysfunctional way. They are not "un-functional." They function, just in an awful way. And it feels like through therapy, I can't function in it anymore and don't know how to function and almost want to go back to how it was before, and yet at times, when I learn to navigate something and do it in a new and healty way... the freedom... it is amazing...

I do think and hope it will get better for you as time goes on and you keep working at it.

Hang in there. Hope you get a chance to rest and recharge a bit and feel better soon!

~jane
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
hi incognito... I'm sorry you are sick and therapy or anything else is always harder when you don't feel well. It saps your strength that is needed to process and tolerate the painful memories.

Does it get better? I would hope so. I think it gets better and worse and better. I think it's a constantly changing process, certainly not linear but that it eventually gets easier or it should. It's been so hard for me for so long and today was good. Today I felt.. well something that was positive. So it gives me that bit of hope to go on.

I think your Ts remark was one of those ooops remarks that came out of his mouth not intending to harm you. It was a sort of curious question as to "gee how could that happen in that kind of car"? I don't think he meant to invalidate your memory but, of course, you need to ask him what he meant by that and tell him how it made you feel.

I hope you feel better soon and get your strength back. I'm glad you let us know what is going on for you in therapy.

Hugs
TN
I incognitoMember
Thanks for your get healthy wishes. I'm trying not to make any decisions like emailing my T to quit until I feel better.

TN and DF I did talk to my T about his car comment. First I sent an email and before he replied I called him. He told me that he wasn't trying to question my memory at all but he understood that is wasn't a helpful question. It was near the end of the session and I think he was trying to switch from my really upset child-like self to my adult self and so after asking about the car, he then discussed the car he learned to drive on (a similar age) and when auto manufacturers started making cars that required keys to put into gear. I know that it was just a digression that interested him because he obviously knows a lot more about cars than I do. What is frustrating that even though I know (intellectually) that he wasn't questioning my experience I still felt emotionally that he was. I hate that I can't out think my feelings and control my "crazy" feelings.

He was understanding and told me he was fine with me having contradictory feelings (like he thinks my childhood was abusive and he thinks my memory is bad and I'm just a whiner who needs to get over it) and it was okay however I felt. Right now I'm churning on the fact that both last night and during our call he made reference to the fact that we were pushing difficult topics right now. So I started thinking he was pushing because he wanted me to be finished with therapy because he is tired/frustrated or hates me. I seem to keep coming back to the feeling he doesn't like me and wishes I would go away but I've decided not to act on those feelings by quitting tonight.

Unfortunately I may have to talk about feeling like he wants me to be done and my next session is cancelled because we have a holiday so I've got an extra couple of days to wait before I see T again.

Di
J jillMember
incognito. i feel for you. validation and being 'believed' are big issues for me, i think i am slowly moving past them, tho. but i know where you are.

possibly feeling like a whiney princess? a 'baby'?

i did. one t did tell me, that no one carries that much pain ( as i did) with out it being true.

as to him asking you what type of car? idk.

one thing, and my dr. has done before, in a really regressed state, he was in that 'that was then, this is NOW' kind of way of trying to move me forward, and i pleaded that i CANNOT move forward until i resolve the past, and fully understand my part in it.

perhaps your t is just seeing if you are ready to move forward?? seeing where YOU are right now??

i think it is fair to say that NO, i am not ready to leave this topic. and, in that my dr. stayed with it, it has left me being able to move forward when I am ready...and i am, somewhat.


they HAVE to go at our timing, but, as i hate to have to say, they AREN'T mindreaders, so, sometimes they have to prod a little. and man, can i push away that hot poker!!

but, incognito. you go at your pace. yes, it is all confusing and conflicting right now, but, if you stay with it, things WILL begin to connnect. a patient t is critical. and i have no reason to say that you DON'T have one. just be free to voice where YOU are, as he prods this issue.

don't quit. you are bumping into a wall that you can get over. i really think so. i guess, coz i have been there, and reading your post helps me to see that i have moved through this stage. you will too. promise. jill
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
(((Incognito)))

I understand the need for validation, the feelings of being questioned and feeling like it's really bad and then the next minute feeling like you are just whining. I go through this cycle a lot with my therapy. As far as the car comment, I'm glad he explained that more and understood it wasn't helpful. My first thought was, why did he assume the key wasn't in the car. I know people who leave their keys in the car and who says it wasn't there at the time this horrible event happened.

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry these things happened. It sounds very bad and you are not whining. I also understand the need to push that away and make it not that bad for a while too. It is hard work!!
L lieseMember
Hi Incognito,

Just wondering how you are feeling now? Are you feeling like you know it was bad? And screw you for even suggesting it wasn't? Or are you feeling like you still want his validation as far as how bad it was?

The incident sounded awful to me, incognito. when I read it, I couldn't believe your Dad could be so cruel to a three year old. It was so clearly an accident.

(((((Incognito)))))))), I don't think he's pushing you away. I think that's transference. I could be wrong but I'm just curious as to why you don't believe his explanation that you're just talking about things that are really difficult now? I've known you for 4 months now and I've seen you take risks with your T increasingly as time has gone on. So from my point of view, I agree with your T that you are talking about topics you couldn't talk about 6 months ago. Which, if your parents were anything like mine, did push you away unless you acted the way they wanted you to act.

And, so in talking about these difficult things, those pushed away feelings are going to come up. Because the pushed away feelings are paired with the traumatic event. And, it's going to happen in real life too. We will have to learn how to sort out between, oh, that's a trauma memory and now I'm back in reality and I can see that this person didn't mean to hurt my feelings. Does that make sense? I do believe that ultimately, that's what we are going to have to do. In the meantime, it sucks to struggle with feelings of invalidation. The power will come for you when you believe that it sucked and that you had every reason to be unhappy and who the heck would have been happy in that environment?????

I guess it sounds similar to what I went through this week with my T. I felt as though he was invalidating my traumatic event. But then, when I sat back, it made me feel stronger, like I don't need him to validate it. I know it was bad and I know what it did to my life. It destroyed my life. And, yeah, we need to process this so it doesn't interfere with my life anymore.

Before my big traumatic event, I guess I had lots of smaller ones, over the course of a lifetime that you stop paying attention to. Those are harder for me to validate.

I hope I'm not being to harsh. I know how much it hurts.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
It was near the end of the session and I think he was trying to switch from my really upset child-like self to my adult self and so after asking about the car, he then discussed the car he learned to drive on (a similar age) and when auto manufacturers started making cars that required keys to put into gear. I know that it was just a digression that interested him because he obviously knows a lot more about cars than I do. What is frustrating that even though I know (intellectually) that he wasn't questioning my experience I still felt emotionally that he was.


Oh incognito... I totally understand what happened now. What your T was doing was a very specific thing related to helping those with traumatic memories in therapy. John Briere a very well respected traumatologist talks about the "therapeutic window" and how important it is to titrate the session so that the person has the time to lead up to the traumatic event, talk about it and then the T should bring the client back into the "therapeutic window" by sort of deactivating the situation. What a good T will do is to start talking about things perhaps related to the trauamatic event but also calming the patient and taking them away from the actual memory so they are able to leave the office and go back to real life in a non-activated, non-dissociative state. I hope I explained that in a way that made sense.

I think your T was trying to do this but it backfired because you felt that he was invalidating your trauma and acting like he was questioning the truth to it when he was actually just trying to talk you down and away from the trauma by starting to talk about cars. I can see that you would be upset with him and I would have too, even though I understand the therapeutic window and how it works. When you are in the emotional moment it's hard to rationalize the Ts behavior.

And sooo... the best thing to do is to talk about it with the T and that is what you did... which was great. I'm glad you did.

I hope you are feeling better physically and emotionally.

Hugs
TN
I incognitoMember
Thanks for asking Liese.

I'm still mixed up. Friday afternoon I sent my T an email telling him that I thought he was pushing me so I would be done and I suggested that this might be a good time for a therapy break. He answered very quickly saying No, he was pushing me so I would face up to the pain and because he was standing up for me and he doesn't think a break was a useful idea.

I felt better expressing myself about my fears but I'm still stuggling. I know I had several traumatic events in my childhood but I have always felt close to and loved by my father. I think that is what is so hard about talking about my dad because when I described my memories it became obvious that my "good" parent was as emotionally distant and punitive as my "bad" one, my mother.

I would like to be able to validate my experience of my childhood but I would have to blame my parents and family instead of myself. I'm also feeling incredibly anxious about going back to talk to T which is why I'm talking about a break. He has said something about standing up for me before but the last time we were talking about me as a little girl who was being sexually abused a few weeks ago. I am both grateful and scared by him expressing his concern for me which I know doesn't make any sense.

TN, thanks for explaining about the therapeutic window. It does make sense even though it was difficult.

Di
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
incognito... your feelings of being both grateful and scared seem perfectly normal to me as I work through things in therapy myself. And we always seem to blame ourselves. I do this as well and my T has been working really hard to get me to see that what happened with my oldT was not my fault and I'm not to blame. It's hard though because we very much need to believe if we had just done the "right thing" or made the "right" choice or just knew better or could predict what would happen, then would could have changed the ending. And when the ending was horrible or bad or wrong we blame ourselves but in most cases we were little children and in the case of my other therapy, I was the patient not the T. It was his reponsibility to do therapy the right way and keep his own feeling out.

I very much agree with your T that you should not take a break from therapy. If you feel overwhelmed then ask him to slow it down for you. But leaving therapy would not be a good choice because it won't solve anything. You would take the memories with you and then be alone to deal with them. Now at least you have your very wise T to help you. Your T is standing up for you and in his way he is protecting you.

Hang in there incognito. I know this is really hard but I see your progress and I think you have a good T. Let us know how your next session goes.

Hugs
TN
ladygreyladygreyMember
Incognito,

I know it is difficult and painful to relive the trauma from our childhood once again in therapy, but it is the only way to work through it. I'm glad your therapist told you he doesn't want you to take a break. It's painful, but pushing through it and sticking with this is the best thing for you in the long term.
L lieseMember
Incognito,

I am so glad you emailed him and he wrote back to you what he did. I know how hard and scary it is. I agree with the others that it might not be a good time to take a break but maybe you need to slow things down a little it it's getting too intense.

I know exactly what you mean about looking at your family another way. I always adored my father and so did everyone in the family but now I just see him as a broken man and we were propping him up. I still love him and feel sorry for him. But thinking about it all changes the way I feel about him and me and my family and it can be really unsettling. It feels good to know it wasn't my fault as everyone liked to point out to me. But what I lose on the flipside is enormous. If it wasn't my fault or your fault, then what? What's the next sentence Incognito?

Do you see T this week?

Liese
I incognitoMember
Liese,

I've been thinking about your reply. I don't know what the next sentence is? I'm not even sure that it means I don't have to blame myself.

I'm booked to see my T Wed. night (my regular session) and Friday morning (to make up for Monday cancelled session). I'm really anxious internally and am fighting the urge to cancel. I can't seem to calm myself down or distract myself from this feeling of doom approaching but never getting here. The anticipation is painful.

Thank you Liese,TN and LG for your support in eencouraging me to keep going. I will let you know how my session goes.

Di

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