I don't know how to feel about my T

elianaMember

I'm feeling weird after meeting with T today. Its so strange that every session makes me feel very different from the session before. There's no steadiness. It's always about going up or down, hot and cold, more so since we started having "nothing to talk about" during our time together, after we've worked on issues regarding my mother.

My feelings towards him were very mixed since the beggining, some weeks I'm crazy about him and I think he's great, some weeks I dislike him and I want to kick him out of my life. I guess it could be a reenactment of the insecure relationship with my mother but it still feels very much about him too.

Last session I felt "loved up", this time I feel detached and cautious, which it's kind of anti climatic, considering I thought the more time I spend with him, the more I would want him in my life.

Clearly my T wants me to talk about my attachment to him, something I've hinted about but never admitted. I don't know if I want to. I don't even know how to bring it up without feeling pathetic, or what it will achieve other than rubbing his ego.

And after today's session I'm not sure I like him at all. This time I pressured him to disclose personal information. I do want to know more about him but I wasn't expecting him to actually talk about it. He's a man that has travelled loads and I wanted to know about it because I share the same passion, so he did talk quite a bit about some of his trips. I did like to listen to him talking about it but I wasn't expecting it.

Another thing that disturbed me was when he mentioned that he will likely move to another country in a few years, and he added I shouldn't worry because I wouldn't be around when he does. Wtf does that mean? How the hell does he know? What if I wanna stay with him for years and years? I wasn't planning to be in therapy for years, but at least I would have liked to be given that choice.

I forgot to tell him I can't show up next week so I need to call him monday about it. Part of me wants to cancel therapy for good on that phone call (even though I said I would never do something so coward) just for the chance of hurting him a little, even if it is at my expense too. But I'm not even sure why I want to punish him.

I think I would actually enjoy getting him so unnerved that he would kick me out of therapy. I know I was difficult today.

I'm on detached mode now. I guess these will be two weeks where T doesn't matter to me and I can focus on real life now. Shouldn't it have been like this since the beginning?

I'm just so confused. Any insight would be very much appreciated *hugs everyone*

3/2/124:05 PM

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born2writeMember

Hi Eliana,
I'm no expert on therapy, but what I do think, is that if you are going to be expected to reveal your soul to another person you should surely feel as though you are always comfortable around them. Feel as though you can trust them, and feel as though they identify with your experiences and needs. To have him say he is planning on moving to another country will certainly unsettle a person in your position. I don't think that any of us want to spill out all of our emotions again and again as therapists come and go. I understand that nothing in this life is permanent, but I do think that people who are having a bad time emotionally need to at least be reassured of some form of stability. If you are not that far into therapy it is probably not as difficult to move. All the best for whatever you decide.

3/2/125:45 PM

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mayoMember

quote:
I think I would actually enjoy getting him so unnerved that he would kick me out of therapy. I know I was difficult today.

Hi Eliana-

I don't know if we have met, but I just wanted to tell you that inadvertently did just that. He yelled at me once and threw me out of his office. I have the distinction of being the one and only client that has angered him in his 30 yrs of practice. It was absolutely horrible...for both of us. Not worth it.

All the best on your journey!

3/2/127:22 PM

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lieseMember

quote:
I don't even know how to bring it up without feeling pathetic, or what it will achieve other than rubbing his ego.

Eliana, I have felt and thought both those things. For a long time, I thought my T was just full of himself. Well, I think he was a little.

It sounds like you and T are still working on trust. It also sounds like you should bring up what he said about moving out of the country and what he meant by it.

Lots of stuff to work through. It's not easy.

Liese

3/2/127:29 PM

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elianaMember

(((Born2write))) (((Mayo))) (((Liese)))

Thank you so much for stopping by and reply to me, was very much appreciated.

Born2write, no I don't feel that he's a stable option. We've started T nearly 4 months ago, so I suspect it's a bit too early to develop deep trust too. It sucks though, because I am attached to him while at the same time am unable to open up and share with him. I feel stuck. And he's not succedding in gaining my trust, I know I'm hard to reach but maybe I'm too much of a handful for him and his busy life and his future plans.

Mayo, I've seen and read some of your posts

I'm sorry you had to go through that bad experience with your T. Did you work with him after that happened or was that the end of it?
I don't think I truly want it to happen, I think what's appealing about it is the permanent rupture and not being responsible for all of it.

Liese, trust is definitely one of the issues we came across during T. Maybe I would eventually learn to trust him but it's such a big investiment and it would take a long time for me.

I can't shake off the feeling that he is not such a good T after all. One other thing that I noticed and upsets me is his tendency to belittle my current job and the place where I live (I have the academics to be doing something better and somewhere nicer).

I don't want him around my life anymore. I'm done with it. I just hate the fact that I need to go to one last session to terminate it, and risking having him change my mind.

3/3/123:54 AM

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sadlyMember

Eliana, I would be tempted to print out your post and give it to him to read, that would help to get all this out in the open.

and ask him when he moves countries, could you still email him occasioanlly or phone once in a while as you don't like having no contact at all in the future, it feels scary.

I talk all the time about how attached I am to my T. it is like talking about the weather now, I have got so used to it. I don't even squirm, I just blurt it all out and feel MUCH better. He just smiled gently and I feel cared for. He is so not thrown by having a six month old or two year old feeling like she is falling if he does not feel like he is truly there.

I also think he finds it fascinating to have a grown woman being so open about such hidden feelings. So at worst, we are of academic interest to them. LOL painful but true. but actually they also care about us too.

3/3/123:58 AM

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sdMember

My T and I always talk about our attachment and our relationship and how we are both affected. Yes - as sadly says it is like talking about the weather for us too. It makes me feel more connected that we can talk about it. I never thought iwould say to another human's face that I am attached to you and have a strong bond.

Last week T forgot to do something and incredibly I was ok about it. usually I am super angry at her. When she came to session she said that she was expecting me to be really angry at her and she was waiting for my onslaught!!!! I thought wow - my T is sitting over there and she is saying "I stuffed up, it is ok if you yell at me'. I thought it was really brave and open of her to say that to me.

That is how our attachment and relationship goes. all of this type of discussion goes into me to help me feel more connected.

I know that my T is not going away, not leaving, not moving, not changing - she is long term and stable and that helps me.

3/3/125:09 AM

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elianaMember

quote:
Originally posted by Sadly:
Eliana, I would be tempted to print out your post and give it to him to read, that would help to get all this out in the open.

and ask him when he moves countries, could you still email him occasioanlly or phone once in a while as you don't like having no contact at all in the future, it feels scary.

Sadly, that's a good point, I have noticed it's much easier for me to share my feelings with this forum than with him in person. Maybe i will print it and hand it to him.

But I dont know if i can ask him to keep contact forever, what if he says no? i dont want to come across as a needy person. I'm really scared tht he'll reject me on that.

How long did it take you to be able to talk about being needy and attached so easily with your Ts?

3/3/125:40 AM

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sadlyMember

Oh Eliana, I told him first session that I had attachment issues, I said that I have early baby attachment abandonment issues and if he couldn't handle me getting strongly attached and aching with the missing of him if I did not see him ... then not to bother even beginning to work with me, I handed the book "Attachment in Psychotherapy" then i told him he also needed to love me or it wouldn't work.

Good, huh!

THEN I took months to dare to tell him I was actually deeply attached to him and would feel sick within 48 hrs of seeing him, as I would feel I had lost him again. The first time I 'admitted' this, I was in agony. But he just said "of course you would feel this way. It makes perfect sense"and since then I have admitted every awful step of the way, all the deep feelings of aching to see him or of needing to hear his voice, or of losing him so suddenly that I feel like I am falling.

It gets easier with time. I often take in things I have written anonymously on forums, where I am not censuring myself, - so I sincerely re iterate that it would be helpful to take your first post on this thread, in to him and let him read it. It says how you feel. That is what you do in therapy, say how you feel.

good luck

3/3/125:59 AM

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sdMember

I just bought that book Sadly!

3/3/128:57 AM

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elianaMember

Sadly, seems like you have a great relationship with your T, hold on to it

I'm feeling better now, I printed out the post, added some bits and struggled against deleting others. It's really hard though, thinking I will be reading that to him soon. It's so revealing. It also showed me how little I've been telling him about my feelings.

I'm relieved about having a plan now, on the last couple of sessions it felt like I hit a brick wall because I can't open up about this subject, and things just stopped going forward. I think next session will either "make us" or "break us". I just wanna get this over with, one way or the other, because I'm frankly tired of the push/pull dynamics with T.

Now I don't know if I should put some extra effort in attending next week's session (I have a fun day out with friends planned for that day, which is something that doesn't happen that often, so I definitely should go and enjoy it) or prioritise therapy and get this over with this week, instead of waiting until the following week. Not sure I can handle 12 days of this uncertainty...

3/3/127:26 PM

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mayoMember

quote:
I'm sorry you had to go through that bad experience with your T. Did you work with him after that happened or was that the end of it?

Hi Eliana-
To answer your question, Yes we did mend, and in some ways- we both grew from it. It was almost 2 years ago- the most horrible "Good Friday" I've ever had.
Currently though, we are again suffering either the pains of growth, or the pains of slowly saying - goodbye. (looking more like goodbye, though- my choice) If you are interested, it is on my EMDR thread.
Therapy is both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. It is not for the weak hearted, and it is hard, hard- sometimes grueling work, but the benefits (for me, in the past) have always been worth the work... and what an adventure, eh!
Cheers-