T confronted me on some stuff today, just patterns about resisting outside input which are partially true and partially he's missing what it's about (feelings of invalidation, not being heard/understood, triggered when he skips over allowing me to connect to thoughts/feelings before trying to have me address them either cognitively or in the spiritual manner that he approaches everything). We worked through it. We talked about the good aspects, how it is me putting up boundaries that I was never allowed to have. How it is developmentally an important stage for me. I added how it means I feel safe enough with him to let my being understood or heard matter, instead of immediately dissociating or otherwise shutting down by invalidating myself.
I had tears streaming down my cheeks, silently, for most of the session (a little shorter than the standard, but that is still a long time). He was across the room for this whole conversation. He came over and we did some touch and I kept apologizing, feeling so sad about having pushed him away. He said it was good, that he felt good about the session. I explained that it was hard, very hard. I got very self-destructive and dissociative at one point, and then explained I was crying for at least half the session. He actually said, "No, I mean, you're just saying you mean it was hard, you weren't crying so much." He had been across the room, and I wasn't shaking or making noise, just they kept slowly flowing out of my eyes. I don't cry usually. My voice broke a few times, but barely any. I sarcastically remarked, "OK, I wasn't then." He realized I was (by then I was starting to believe maybe I was exaggerating, made it up), and said he was sorry it was so hard and gave me a squeeze or something. I can't really remember very well.
Anyway, after session, I texted him for reassurance he didn't want to be rid of me...because during the session, he had mentioned how he works differently with me (much more in the feeling realm, less cognitive), and how those patterns were not burdensome (he accepts them and understands why they're there), but it would certainly be easier to move through things without me needing to argue or qualify every input he gives before I can process and metabolize it. (I'm sure you guys who've been around a while know that I do this and it can be crazy-making, so I was feeling super ashamed about being such a difficult client). Then, because I'm crazy, I texted him back not to answer the last text, because he's never given me any reason to believe any of the projections I am having...only the people from my past who poisoned me this way did.
But, there is this lingering...alone feeling. It has to be from the past, because I'm not alone now. But, I feel SO alone. And there is the present day aspect of...it is so much work to connect and get close. Both he and I have had to invest SO much into the relationship. It's my first "real" one outside of my marriage, and I'm still terrified all the time. So, I get scared...I have just two people in this world I am truly close to. One is so temporary. I know all relationships are like this, but it's so much work to get close and stay there, tolerate it. Not even at the level of closeness I have with T, even at more distant levels. So, I'm feeling really hopeless about being able to connect to the world at large without feeling terrified. So, yeah, alone.
Does any of this make sense?
I just want, for a moment here or there, to accept someone's care and have it not be some sort of life-and-death battle that causes me to become destructive or need to invalidate my existence, or blank out entirely and not know what happened. I want to know it won't be this way forever. I want to know it's changing, that I'm making progress. I wish my T would tell me he sees how hard I'm fighting without simultaneously just telling me to rest and allow God to carry me. I can't have a real mom or dad who is safe. I get that. But, I'd like to earn that security that means I can believe the world isn't waiting to devour me.
I don't know what I need, except...I need to not be so alone right now. And I don't know how not to be...
And you do make sense to me. It is such a challenge to feel safe enough to allow care in. It's so hard to crave something so much and yet find it so difficult to tolerate when it gets close. It really sounds to me that you are definitely working so hard, and I really believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. I believe you will keep getting closer to your goals, and you are strong enough to keep fighting. Sometimes the progress we make is the hardest to see when we aren't seeing it from the outside, but it is more than we realize. I really admire all you are doing. I know it's so hard to not feel alone, but I hope reaching out here might give just a little comfort for you. 
AH
