Hi TAS,
Not sure if I am one of the people you are thinking of. I usually try to let people know if I will be away but I know that my posting time on the forum is very sensitive to my available time and available energy. Right now I am working long hours and a late shift for a release going out in late October. Add to this that I am doing some very intense work in therapy, that right now feels too raw and exposed to talk about and it adds up to my not being around a lot.

If you are concerned about someone, the best thing to do is send a PM to ask if they are ok.

I obviously believe its good to let people know if you are going to gone for any length of time and have been in the habit of trying to do so for quite some time. However, I always worry (and can be very sensitive to) any sense of pressure that people are obliged to respond. I do think how often we respond and how engaged we are tends to affect the depth of our relationships here and hence, the response level that can occur but at the same time, we are not professionals, we are peers and everyone here is on their own healing journey. Therefore, we need to respect that people tend to their own needs in addition to being here for other people.

Hope that helps.

AG

AG: Thank you for your reply. I was not thinking of you, at all. As you stated, you let the forum know when you might be away

I was directing this more towards those who just erase everything and don't say anything. I have complete respect for those who need to take a break, etc. to tend to themselves. Very important.

All the best,
T.

Thanks TAS, I know it can be hard when people just delete and go, but usually when that happens it's about someone not feeling safe or being exposed (and Draggers recently discussed on her DID thread how in some systems, the protector(s) take unilateral action. I have also seen the situation a number of times, where someone's online identity/password info was discovered by someone in their real life and they didn't feel safe even posting a notice).

For many people here, who have experienced such intense, traumatic helplessness, it is vitally important that they do whatever is necessary to feel like they are safe and protected. Their posts are theirs and they need to know they control the information that is out there. We're talking about highly sensitive stuff here and sometimes you just get spooked. I know it can be difficult, a lot of wisdom is sometimes lost.

AG

Hi TAS...I understand and know what you mean. The hardest thing for me, and for a lot of others on here, is having to endure yet another loss via abandonment. The person leaves without a trace and you feel helpless once again. All we can do, unfortunately, is hope and pray they are safe and haven't done anything drastic. It's not fair and I feel angry sometimes that we didn't at least rate a brief curteous "why" or even that they aren't going to do anything harmful to themselves, but that it's just too much to post right now.

The lesson I take away from this type of occurrence on here is I know if I need to do the same thing, for whatever reason, I WILL post something very brief explaining why, cuz it's not fair to keep such a sensitive and vulnerable group of such caring and compassionate people wondering and worrying. That's my commitment to this forum and the people on it.

The Kid

I get really triggered when I feel a sense of obligation or that others are entitled to my performance to cater to their needs. We are responsible for our own unresolved feelings. It sucks and I've been so sad to see many people come and go or delete, etc... but I wouldn't consider myself or the people here victimized, nor the people who left as thoughtless, inconsiderate, or responsible for giving a certain favor before they go.

Many people are just as sensitive to perceived abandonment as they are perceived undue guilt or fostering co-dependent patterns.

Everyone has their own rules - I usually let friends know if I'm going and reply to my PMs. For my own triggers and personal reasons I rarely post on goodbye, I'm going, I'm gone or ambiguous threads, even if I appreciate knowin and/or will miss someone.

I guess that's how I see it, feelings get intense somewhere and we all have to trust each other, ourselves and the community to take care as best we can.

AG: The following statement is so true: "I know it can be difficult, a lot of wisdom is sometimes lost."

So much wisdom is on this forum and for those that are searching for particular answers, the wisdom is desperately needed and sought after.

I know things can be delicate, especially when one is in a difficult place.

Thank you for replying

The Kid: I really like this: "The lesson I take away from this type of occurrence on here is I know if I need to do the same thing, for whatever reason, I WILL post something very brief explaining why, cuz it's not fair to keep such a sensitive and vulnerable group of such caring and compassionate people wondering and worrying. That's my commitment to this forum and the people on it."

I hope you are doing well and thank you for all you add to this forum T.

((((TAS))))

I think it's sweet that you miss members when they disappear. I'm sure they would love to know that they are missed.

We are all interconnected and what happens when someone deletes and/or disappears is certain to affect all of us in one way or another. It's just that it's usually not because any one of us in particular has done anything to hurt them. As long as we can try to keep that in mind when something like that happens, it could help with feelings of abandonment.

Like AG, when I'm quiet, it's because I'm processing something difficult and am not feeling very verbal. On the other hand, sometimes when I post a lot it means I'm processing something difficult. When I am feeling more stable internally, I tend to post more supportive material.

Hey, are you noticing any similarities here between this thread and your therapist being away on vacation???? Just wondering.

(((CAT)))

quote:

I get really triggered when I feel a sense of obligation or that others are entitled to my performance to cater to their needs.

I totally get this and am like this too although I also tend to try to get others to cater to my needs. It's the preoccupied attachment with a bit of avoidance too. Lucky me. I push people away at every turn.

A lot of people don't have a clue as to what they are asking and they don't understand necessarily why others might bristle. Sometimes we actually WANT to meet someone's needs even though at other times we don't. There might not be codependency going on when we don't want to meet someone's needs. It could be a matter of disowning our own needs and then being unable to be empathic towards someone else when they are asking for that need to be met. Conversely, it doesn't necessarily mean there isn't codependency going on when we do want to and feel comfortable meeting someone's needs.

Anyway, I have been trying to learn to tolerate it more when someone wants me to meet a need I don't want to meet. Which, honestly, with children, happens all the time and has given me a lot of practice. I try to remember how much it hurts when a need doesn't get met and how invalidating it feels to not have that understood. That helps me deal requests I don't want to meet a lot better. Seeing others as entitled to ask for what they want as well as seeing myself as entitled to say no while at the same time feeling empathy for them, for their hurt.

Is Draggers gone? If so I am heartbroken.

I mean it.

I have a lot of feelings like this. It does give me anxiety to think of anyone feeling obligated to the board or particular members when they need to take a break, retreat, etc.

I myself usually post when I am going away, but that brings up huge triggers for me like I will be seen as advertising some sort of rupture and trying to get people to pursue me. So, when people reply and say...well, whatever encouraging things...I actually get triggered that I have done this bad thing. On the other hand, as a person who has had safety issues in the past, in general, I do feel inclined to let people know I'm popping away for a while due to triggers and that I am safe.

As for me, while it's nice to know that people are OK and safe when they are disappearing, I understand those who are inclined to a silent retreat completely, and would never want to instill a sense of obligation on them. There are many times I have posted about my going away and had additional crisis reactions to posting it, whereas if I had just quietly disappeared, that would have felt much safer to me and avoided some major triggers. In fact, I think the last time I did go silent and needed to sort of erase myself, I didn't announce it at all. I had one person check in on me, and responded that I was OK/safe...and avoided the feeling like I was somehow unconsciously manipulating everyone into encouraging me. I know other people probably don't see it that way, but I obsessively worry that I am doing that without knowing or else others think I'm doing it when I'm not and feel manipulated by me and that is one of my hugest triggers in the world.

Have I just cemented my "nutcase" status, here?

So, I guess, in summary, it's nice to know when people are stepping away, but I don't feel anything negative toward anyone who stays silent, nor do I feel owed in any way. In fact, people feeling like they owe me or I expect something of them is another one of my triggers, lol!

I feel sad also to notice some have recently gone... I always have an automatic reaction of fretting over whether I have said anything that has been harmful or offensive to cause anyone to leave. I just can't seem to get around feeling that way in general

((Monte)) I always notice when you leave because I always enjoy your posts, and I often wonder how you are doing when you are away, but knowing that you sometimes need to leave, I just try to be patient until you show back up. Sorry, I just didn't want you to think you didn't matter.

(((Hollow))) Talk to your T about these feelings. My guess is that you were not allowed to have boundaries as a child and/or had to be SO focused on other's needs to stay safe, that you didn't develop a sense of self the way you should have. One of the terrible side effects of lack of attunement and nurturance is that none of us is born with a a sense of self, it is something we need to be taught to understand. You are a worthwhile unique person and you deserve help discovering just who that is. It's one of the needs that therapy can meet. I think I understand your username better.

((AH)) You haven't been here long enough to offend anyone. No worries.

Can I just add that this is truly a matter of boundaries? While we do want to be considerate and kind to each other (which I think we do very well) and respect that this population carries a lot of wounding, we are still, each of us, responsible for our feelings. So here's the thing, if someone decides to leave, it is usually best to assume that it's for their own reasons and nothing to do with others. If you are concerned about them, then PM. From my experience, hearing from people that you are missed is never a bad thing. But as far as wondering if you did something? You can ask the persond in private if you wish to, but if they are upset with something someone did or something that happened, then they are responsible to speak up about feeling that way.

This is a really good place to learn to recognize our boundaries and to ask for what we need and to express our feelings and needs, because most of the other people here, understand just how hard that can be for people with our backgrounds. But we cannot take over for other people, or fix them, or become responsible for their feelings, their lives or their healing. Not because we don't care, but because it's not possible. So while it is a loss when someone decides to leave, it's not always a bad thing that they allow themselves to do so. It's also a good chance for us to learn that people we are in relationship with sometimes act for their own reasons which have nothing to do with or say anything about us.

AG

((AG))

That all makes a lot of sense and is a relief to view it that way. Takes a little pressure off to view things in those terms

AH

AH,
Glad it helped, cause trust me I learned it the hard way.

AG

PS It also really helps to have a Boundary Ninja as a T. I have learned volumes from watching him.

I would be remiss if I didn't say I've learned something from everyone's comments today. Truly. They have all helped me see things from another's point of view that I have never had to consider before.

I hope everyone who's posted under (and read) this thread continue coming and reading and posting. I would never want someone to not feel safe and free to come and go. I just wanted to point out that everyone who posts is cared for and you would be missed.

The Kid

Guilty.

I am safe.

Apologies to kind souls who have PM'd inquiring about me.

I was becoming quite triggered and unstable from posting here and needed to step away. I am truly sorry if my departure caused difficulty for anyone.

(Already I am projecting that readers are thinking, "oh, were you gone, you insignificant flea?") And it just snowballs.

One month no T.

For now, bye.

RT

(((Hollow))) There's no such thing as talking about the "wrong" things in therapy. My T keeps telling me that I keep trying to find the "right" way to do things, but there isn't one. Just how I want to do it. The nature of therapy should be that it is a safe place to explore whatever you need to (not what your therapist thinks you need to. I'm hitting stuff now my T has known for seven years I needed to look at, but he just waited until I was ready).

quote:

Also I feel bad I should feel nothing but grateful that I haven't gone through anything as bad as most people here.

Pain is not a contest, if it was only one person (the mythical one who has literally had it worse than the other 8 billion people on the planet) would "win." And it's possible to be grateful that you did not suffer worse while still acknowledging that there is pain and wounding that deserves to be heard and healed. I once told my T that I felt bad grieving over the past because I have so much in the present to be thankful for and he told me that all of the food in the world is not going to help if you are thirsty. Other people's experiences, no matter how much worse they seem than yours, do not take away the pain of what you had to deal with.

And I am glad that you are talking about your feelings.

((TK)) That was very gracious of you to say. I do want to say that I truly understand your feelings, it is hard when people we care about go away. And I think it's important that the message of "go if you need to" be balanced with "but you will be missed."

(((RT))) Thanks for the update, totally understand the need to step away, but am sorry that you need to. We're here if you ever need or want to come back. Hang in there, I hope you find some relief soon.

AG

(((RT)))

Glad you are ok, and totally understand need to break also. I've been there with a no T month and I relate very much to how posting would be very difficult during that time. For whatever it's worth, I know I haven't been on forum long to know you much, but what I do know of you, it never crossed my mind of you being insignificant or unnoticed, you are very much cared about!

I wish you the peace and happiness you deserve during this difficult time. And that's offered here anytime you want to post or take break. I hope you take care of yourself and do what best helps you through this time.

AH

Hi everyone

I'm not one to cut and run but I definitely haven't been posting as much as I have previously.

this relates to some heavy duty therapy processing, having a virus, looking after an almost 20 month old without much help, working 25 hours a week and working to submit a 12k word psychology thesis in three and a half weeks.

So if I'm scarce or impatient, that is why. You are all so important to me and your courage is really inspiring.

Hugs xxx GE

I read all the time, but pop up from time to time. A mix of reading everything, not relating to every thread, not having the experience to comment, not being in the right headspace to comment, no opportunity to sneak away and type....

A mix of all those things affect the amount I respond and whether I go awol. Sometimes I read the posts on my phone and think about the content and write the email mentally in my head and then think I have posted !!! Crazy...

After reading everyone's responses here I realised something about myself. I have been here for a couple of years and I have found that the more I have been able to relate, bond and discuss things with my T - the less I have commented here. That is a real sign of improvement and progress for me - so for me my lack of posting is a sign of a good thing.

However, traditionally when I get bad, I withdraw and push the world away - so it could be that sometimes too.

I respect people's need and wish to leave at times as ultimately it is us living our own lives and we have to choose what is best for that time. The take home message for me though is that everyone feels comfortable in returning to the forum no matter how long they have been away. There will always be someone here who remembers you and welcomes you back and notices that you are here.

Somedays

Very glad to hear you're safe, RT. The adult Kid understands your need to pull back. The adult Kid also understands the anger and hurt belongs to li'l one and is working on it with her.

I have to say this entire thread has helped both of us in unexpected ways, especially right now.

Hats off to you, TAS, for voicing something I haven't been able to put my finger on nor communicate adequately.

The Kid

Hey RT glad you've checked in! I know how you feel I am going on 2 months without a real therapy session. I mean I may have found a new therapist but I am not totally sure. All I have done with her so far over the last two weeks is be tested with an intern in the room the whole time. At the moment I feel that I don't want to come back there. Anyway hang in there. This forum triggers me too sometimes.

Well, I had a reply typed out to everyone and somehow it got deleted. I hate it when that happens :/ GRR.

Anyway, thank you all for replying.

Liese: I never made the connection between the Therapist being on vacation and this thread. When I read that question...I definitely see how there could be a connection to each issue. Thank you for pointing that out. It placed things in a different perspective for me Thank you.

SomeDays: I really like this:


"After reading everyone's responses here I realised something about myself. I have been here for a couple of years and I have found that the more I have been able to relate, bond and discuss things with my T - the less I have commented here. That is a real sign of improvement and progress for me - so for me my lack of posting is a sign of a good thing."

I think from time to time (when I want to post something) that I need to discuss it with my T first before I post. Sometimes it muddies the water asking others what they think when I know I need to talk to T and settle the issue with him.

Turtle: May I say, I think you are a real sweetheart.

RT: I am glad you are still here and wanted you to know you are in my thoughts

AG: Thank you for helping us understand the different dynamics of this. It really has helped and I have thoroughly enjoyed the conversation and it makes me glad to see that we have all been able to contribute to the conversation with everyone feeling safe to express their experiences

The Kid: "Hats off to you, TAS, for voicing something I haven't been able to put my finger on nor communicate adequately."

I was hesitant to bring it up but am definitely glad I did. I see how much everyone has benefited from the conversation. It's interesting how we bring something up, with ourselves in mind, and yet, it benefits so many others and has been so helpful.

GreenEyes: You have helped me so much. Just wanted you to know

Hollow: SO VERY GLAD YOU ARE HERE!

Monte: I completely understand. I think everyone should be able to come and go as they feel safe to. I do want you to know that I do notice when you are not around

Yaku:

"Have I just cemented my "nutcase" status, here?"

A resounding NO!

AH: Just wanted you to know I am glad you are here, posting You add 'heart' to the community and it wouldn't be the same without you!

All the best to each of you!

((TAS))

That is the nicest thing ever, thank you so much for saying that!!

AH

AH: You are most welcome

Just popped on here for a quick moment and saw this thread.. While I haven't been one to delete everything, I have been pretty silent for a few months now. To be honest, and this is truly not to gain any sympathy or throw myself a pity party, but I do find it hard to believe that my absence was even noticed (except for one kind soul). It's just the way it is on a popular, higher traffic forum like this. But it's sweet to hear your thoughts on this TAS, along with everyone else.

Reading even just a little bit of this thread makes me realize that I truly miss you all. And there's so many newer people I don't even know.

I haven't known what's going on with me, so it's hard to speak as to why I've left. Work is part of it, but not entirely. I'm just waiting until it feels right to rejoin here.

Just want to say take your time, Kashley. We'll be here with open arms if/when you're ready.

The Kid

hi kashley,

you probably don't recognize me, but I started reading here while you were still posting, and i noticed your absence--which is to say, I missed you.


RabbitEars

Kashley,

I've missed you too! I did notice you went missing though I didn't reach out to you. It's nice to see you.

((kashley))

I'm newer & just wanted to say hi and introduce myself I'll be glad to get to know you if/ when ready to post. Most important to take care of yourself and do what most helps you now.

AH

Hi Kashley... it's good to see you stop by. I'm sorry you have not been in a good enough place to post. I can really understand that. I will say that your presence has been missed here. We are here when you decide you can post again.

Hugs
TN

i think alot (if not all) of this, as AG talked about, is about boundaries. that makes sense to me.

it's good to hear from you, RT. i am glad to hear you are safe. i was worried about you.

kashley, good to hear from you as well.

i do believe that when people are gone for a period of time that other people do notice and wonder "what happened with so-and-so? i wonder how they are and i hope they're okay". i know, for me, i often feel awkward or intrusive for pm'ing, so i don't. it's not that i don't care, i just don't want to seem stalker-ish or something. i'm sure that's just my own stuff.

as for me, i haven't left. i come and read but rarely have been posting simply because i'm feeling very apathetic lately, so it's really hard to post. i don't plan on going away any time soon, i'm just working on getting myself through this difficult time.

this is a good thread and i'm glad to see so many varied responses.

Lovely to see you kashley, ditto the above, come back as and when you want and need to