(deleted for personal reasons, not because of anyone else. sorry. thanks for understanding.)
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((((((((((Jane)))))))))))I'm so sorry you didn't find out about your T's absence until so late and I'm glad she offered to call and check on you. Sometimes I feel the same way after the phone sessions T has been giving me...like it felt so good to connect, but his being there for me that extra bit actually makes it harder. I'm sorry you are facing triggers in a week where your T schedules are all thrown off. That would make me feel very helpless, alone and scared. I understand not wanting to make contact, but do you think it might help if you did? Or maybe just writing about what you're feeling here a bit more could help? I'll be thinking good thoughts and praying over your day today! -Yaku
Prayers, Jane....and lots of hugs..
((((((((JaneDoe))))))))
((((((((JaneDoe))))))))
((((JANE)))))
Can you stay home and not deal with the stuff you have to deal with till next week? Or is that just wishful thinking? As you can tell, I am a huge avoider.
((((HUGS))))
Liese
Can you stay home and not deal with the stuff you have to deal with till next week? Or is that just wishful thinking? As you can tell, I am a huge avoider.
((((HUGS))))
Liese
Hi thanks you all. I'm not just missing my T anymore but my fight or flight drive is in full gear too. Bad timing. I tried to see if I could move stuff and got triggered and had to walk away. They are upset, has to be done today. I called work and they are giving me the whole day off, instead of just the morning as I had originally planned. I do now have more time to walk through things today. Right now, I'm "hiding" at the library, in a very quiet study room, trying to slow myself down. Trying to ground. Feeling a little more together. If I go back and it's hard again, then I gotta find some way to put it off. I'm not effective when I'm in full flight or fight or freeze mode. I'm not effective when I'm emotionally or physically flinching from punches that are not coming - metaphorically or literally. I probably need to call the on call T. I hope it's good I have the day off - even if I just spend it pulling me back together again. So mad with myself - trying to remember to not be so hard on me, finding it so hard to actually be kind to myself.
I hope it's good I have the day off - even if I just spend it pulling me back together again. So mad with myself - trying to remember to not be so hard on me, finding it so hard to actually be kind to myself.
((((JANE)))))
You are taking it step by step and that's good!!! I like that you are grounding yourself. That's even better.
It sounds good that you have the day off, unless it'll be too isolating. In that case, a call to the on call T could be good.
No frowners, Jane. Don't be mad. We all need support to get through the tough times. We're human afterall and if AG was around, she'd tell you we are all limbically connected, right?
You are taking it step by step and that's good!!! I like that you are grounding yourself. That's even better.
It sounds good that you have the day off, unless it'll be too isolating. In that case, a call to the on call T could be good.
No frowners, Jane. Don't be mad. We all need support to get through the tough times. We're human afterall and if AG was around, she'd tell you we are all limbically connected, right?
((((Jane)))),
I'm so sorry you are so triggered right now. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to ease the situation. If you aren't able to get grounded then I think calling the on call T would be a good idea. I know that is a hard step to make, but it is what she is there for. I hope things are improving for you. (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry you are so triggered right now. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to ease the situation. If you aren't able to get grounded then I think calling the on call T would be a good idea. I know that is a hard step to make, but it is what she is there for. I hope things are improving for you. (((hugs)))
JD,
I can imagine how upsetting it was to hear so suddenly that T would be gone without really having much time to process it ahead of time. I'm so sorry that this was sprung on you so suddenly. However, I am really happy to hear that your T offered to call you while she is gone.
My T1 is out of town this week and after her being gone for two weeks over Christmas, I was so worried I was going to miss her as much as I did over Christmas. Somehow I am managing to get through the week with much less difficulty than I imagined and I think it is oddly because we had a rupture before she left. Nevertheless, I remember how awful it felt to miss her so much over Christmas. I ached for her and it was a terrible reminder of how limited the therapy relationship really is. When our Ts go out of town, no matter how solid the relationship, it on some level feels like abandonment. Its such a stinging reminder that they really are just our Ts and aren't our mom, friend, lover or whatever.
But as I said, I think its so wonderful that your T is willing to stay connected to you during this week. It shows that she really does care about you and think about you outside of therapy. That connection is there even when she is not. its hard for us to believe that at times, but I can see that it really is there for you.
I can imagine how upsetting it was to hear so suddenly that T would be gone without really having much time to process it ahead of time. I'm so sorry that this was sprung on you so suddenly. However, I am really happy to hear that your T offered to call you while she is gone.
My T1 is out of town this week and after her being gone for two weeks over Christmas, I was so worried I was going to miss her as much as I did over Christmas. Somehow I am managing to get through the week with much less difficulty than I imagined and I think it is oddly because we had a rupture before she left. Nevertheless, I remember how awful it felt to miss her so much over Christmas. I ached for her and it was a terrible reminder of how limited the therapy relationship really is. When our Ts go out of town, no matter how solid the relationship, it on some level feels like abandonment. Its such a stinging reminder that they really are just our Ts and aren't our mom, friend, lover or whatever.
But as I said, I think its so wonderful that your T is willing to stay connected to you during this week. It shows that she really does care about you and think about you outside of therapy. That connection is there even when she is not. its hard for us to believe that at times, but I can see that it really is there for you.
(((((Jane)))))
Take it one day, one hour, one thing at a time. I know it's easier said than done, especially coming from someone who completely fell apart when my T was gone for 4 days after only being home for 2 weeks from a previous 2 week trip.
Be kind to you - you deserve it! It is hard to do, but just by being in the quiet space at the library you're already giving yourself a little space to settle down, therefore being kind to yourself. Keep it up!
((((Jane))))
Take it one day, one hour, one thing at a time. I know it's easier said than done, especially coming from someone who completely fell apart when my T was gone for 4 days after only being home for 2 weeks from a previous 2 week trip.
quote:So mad with myself - trying to remember to not be so hard on me, finding it so hard to actually be kind to myself.
Be kind to you - you deserve it! It is hard to do, but just by being in the quiet space at the library you're already giving yourself a little space to settle down, therefore being kind to yourself. Keep it up!
((((Jane))))
I feel like a zombie right now. A foolish stupid numb zombie.
I went back to trying to deal with what I needed to get done today and I got triggered. I left so fast I almost ran out of there. I called my T. I tried to leave her a voicemail message but couldn't - I lost words and just couldn't think of what to say. I don't even know when she would get the message. I started to cope badly (or worse than I was) and then numbed out. I called the on-call T. She just called me back.
this is how it went ~
me: hello?
on call T: Hi, I just got your call, what's going on jane?
me: I'm flooded with flashbacks of (4 words to refer to a traumatic event in the past) and I am spinning between being numb and feeling like it is physically happening over again. I'm having thoughts of (bad way to cope) and when I ground, I physically feel like it is happening again over and over.
on call T: oh, I am so sorry. I am so glad you called. Did anything happen that triggered this?
me: Yeah, but I don't want to get into it or I'll get really numb and not be able to talk.
on call T: Ok, that seems like a good idea. That is really good to do what you need to take care of you. I'd like to ask you, what advice would you give you to get through this?
me: um... (very long pause filled with tons of internal self hate and shame welling up inside me in an unspeakable way)...I have no idea.
on call T: well why don't you go for a walk and try to focus on being present and grounded. Thi is going to be hard to hear, but I have to go now. I have another client calling and it is their turn. I hope your evening goes better and I've got to go now.
me:
... I didn't say anything back... I just hung up before I lost it...
I looked at my phone. The entire call lasted 2 minutes 07 seconds.
My shame turned to anger. I called a crisis line. I got calm and numb. I very matter-of-factly told them the same thing I told the on call T. They asked me if it was a prank call. I flatly said "no." They put me on hold to get an on call counselor, but then I hung up while on hold.
I feel 1000 times worse.
What advice would I give me? I have no idea! If I did, I would not have called! In the middle of this storm in my head it's so hard to tell which way is up. I feel like such a fool. How could I not know?
I don't want to see my T again or any T again. I hate this! What advice would I give me? This: don't screw everything up even worse now! That is what advice I would give me.
I don't listen to myself well...
The shame and self hate and anger seems to be overriding the flashbacks so at least that has stopped for now...
I hate wanting or needing something from anyone. I hate trying so hard to figure it all own on my own, hitting such a wall, and crashing. I hate that I should know how to fix it and pick myself up myself right now, and yet I'm not doing that, whatever that would mean or look like. I hate that xyz trauma happened! ...and when I think that, I'm back to feeling very numb.
I went back to trying to deal with what I needed to get done today and I got triggered.
I left so fast I almost ran out of there. I called my T. I tried to leave her a voicemail message but couldn't - I lost words and just couldn't think of what to say. I don't even know when she would get the message. I started to cope badly (or worse than I was) and then numbed out. I called the on-call T. She just called me back. this is how it went ~
me: hello?
on call T: Hi, I just got your call, what's going on jane?
me: I'm flooded with flashbacks of (4 words to refer to a traumatic event in the past) and I am spinning between being numb and feeling like it is physically happening over again. I'm having thoughts of (bad way to cope) and when I ground, I physically feel like it is happening again over and over.
on call T: oh, I am so sorry. I am so glad you called. Did anything happen that triggered this?
me: Yeah, but I don't want to get into it or I'll get really numb and not be able to talk.
on call T: Ok, that seems like a good idea. That is really good to do what you need to take care of you. I'd like to ask you, what advice would you give you to get through this?
me: um... (very long pause filled with tons of internal self hate and shame welling up inside me in an unspeakable way)...I have no idea.
on call T: well why don't you go for a walk and try to focus on being present and grounded. Thi is going to be hard to hear, but I have to go now. I have another client calling and it is their turn. I hope your evening goes better and I've got to go now.
me:
... I didn't say anything back... I just hung up before I lost it...
I looked at my phone. The entire call lasted 2 minutes 07 seconds.
My shame turned to anger. I called a crisis line. I got calm and numb. I very matter-of-factly told them the same thing I told the on call T. They asked me if it was a prank call. I flatly said "no." They put me on hold to get an on call counselor, but then I hung up while on hold.
I feel 1000 times worse.
What advice would I give me? I have no idea! If I did, I would not have called! In the middle of this storm in my head it's so hard to tell which way is up. I feel like such a fool. How could I not know?
I don't want to see my T again or any T again. I hate this! What advice would I give me? This: don't screw everything up even worse now! That is what advice I would give me.
I don't listen to myself well...
The shame and self hate and anger seems to be overriding the flashbacks so at least that has stopped for now...
I hate wanting or needing something from anyone. I hate trying so hard to figure it all own on my own, hitting such a wall, and crashing. I hate that I should know how to fix it and pick myself up myself right now, and yet I'm not doing that, whatever that would mean or look like. I hate that xyz trauma happened! ...and when I think that, I'm back to feeling very numb.
((((((((((Jane))))))))))))) Oh, please don't be ashamed. I would be ashamed if I were that T, being so unavailable to you. Can you try calling your T again and tell her how all this is. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I feel for you!
(((Jane))),
I'm sorry that the on call T was so unhelpful and expected you to know how to help yourself. If you knew that you wouldn't be calling her! I don't think you should know how to fix it or be able to fix it yourself. I'm sorry that you reached out and didn't receive the support you needed. I'm sure that your T would have been much more helpful if you had been able to reach her. I know the experience with the on call T is a turn off in reaching out at all, but please try to remember that she was the one out of line, not you.
Please keep posting here if you can. Do you ever have any luck playing games like Solitaire when feeling triggered? I have found it works pretty well for me for short bursts of time to totally space out what was bothering me and just focus on the game. I know it sounds overly simplistic, but I have found it can sometimes work.
(((hugs)))
I'm sorry that the on call T was so unhelpful and expected you to know how to help yourself. If you knew that you wouldn't be calling her! I don't think you should know how to fix it or be able to fix it yourself. I'm sorry that you reached out and didn't receive the support you needed. I'm sure that your T would have been much more helpful if you had been able to reach her. I know the experience with the on call T is a turn off in reaching out at all, but please try to remember that she was the one out of line, not you.
Please keep posting here if you can. Do you ever have any luck playing games like Solitaire when feeling triggered? I have found it works pretty well for me for short bursts of time to totally space out what was bothering me and just focus on the game. I know it sounds overly simplistic, but I have found it can sometimes work.
(((hugs)))
Oh my goodness, JD. That is awful. Just awful. I am so sorry that you had such horrible experiences with both the on call T and the crisis line.
Can you call or text your regular T? Is that option available to you? Do you know when she was planning to call you this week to check in?
Can you call or text your regular T? Is that option available to you? Do you know when she was planning to call you this week to check in?
Oh JD, That on call T sounded awful. I'm sorry you are in such pain right now. You do not have to figure it out on your own. Can you reach out to regular T?
thanks everyone. i'm sorry i am such a mess.
I did text regular T just now. I've never done that before and I don't know if it is ok. I don't even know if she gets texts. She is supposed to call in 2-3 days. I don't know when for sure.
I texted on call T too. (what was I thinking?!) I was blunt and clear. She called back right away. I couldn't answer and face her again. She left a message and said go to the ER and have them call her. She then said she had to go see another patient and hopes that by the time she is done with them, the ER will have called her, and if not, then she hopes I "have a good evening and find help if you need it."
I have no idea why, but it's like she thinks I am full of crap and just messing with her. I am anything but. I texted her hoping maybe she would be able to help via text and maybe she would understand better that I don't have advice for myself that I should actually follow. Instead, now I think she thinks I am messing with her.
My regular T said to call the on call T for much lesser stuff. Yeah, right. I'm really freaked out about on call T. I feel like I have to fix this and make it ok.
I went not to the ER but back to the libaray, and I'm in a study room. I'm here because I will keep myself safe if I am here.
I did text regular T just now. I've never done that before and I don't know if it is ok. I don't even know if she gets texts. She is supposed to call in 2-3 days. I don't know when for sure.
I texted on call T too. (what was I thinking?!) I was blunt and clear. She called back right away. I couldn't answer and face her again. She left a message and said go to the ER and have them call her. She then said she had to go see another patient and hopes that by the time she is done with them, the ER will have called her, and if not, then she hopes I "have a good evening and find help if you need it."
I have no idea why, but it's like she thinks I am full of crap and just messing with her. I am anything but. I texted her hoping maybe she would be able to help via text and maybe she would understand better that I don't have advice for myself that I should actually follow. Instead, now I think she thinks I am messing with her.
My regular T said to call the on call T for much lesser stuff. Yeah, right. I'm really freaked out about on call T. I feel like I have to fix this and make it ok.
I went not to the ER but back to the libaray, and I'm in a study room. I'm here because I will keep myself safe if I am here.
I am frustrated with this on call T. I am glad you are keeping yourself in a safe place. I have my session soon and I'll continue to pray for you as I prepare. ((((((hugs)))))) Please keep checking in and do call regular T if it gets to be too much and you think it will help.
I'm doing a little better...
Thanks everyone for walking through this with me. I'm hurting in just about every way, frustrated with myself, but begining to let go a bit of my self hate and hold on to the good around me.
Yaku ~ thank you so much for your prayers, encouragement and understanding about all these feelings and trying to deal with this on call T. posting here is helping.
BB ~ you are too kind! thank you too.
Liese ~ I'm a big avoider at times myself... just want to run and hide... thanks for your hugs. yeah, AG might just remind me of being limbically connected. Thanks for having grace for me that I can't find myself so well.
STRM ~ thanks.
LG ~ oh that is so good to hear that this recent vacation was easier for you than Christmas.
R2G ~ that would be hard for me as well to have the vacations so close to each other! oh I am terrible at being kind to myself, but thanks for the sweet reminder and compassion. It helped my heart to be reminded I'm not alone in this.
DF ~ yeah, this on call T is driving me nuts. It's all bad timing and just not working... but things are begining to shift a little. I hope they are. Thanks for your kind words.
Thanks everyone for walking through this with me. I'm hurting in just about every way, frustrated with myself, but begining to let go a bit of my self hate and hold on to the good around me.
Yaku ~ thank you so much for your prayers, encouragement and understanding about all these feelings and trying to deal with this on call T. posting here is helping.
BB ~ you are too kind! thank you too.
Liese ~ I'm a big avoider at times myself... just want to run and hide... thanks for your hugs. yeah, AG might just remind me of being limbically connected.
Thanks for having grace for me that I can't find myself so well. STRM ~ thanks.
I am playing tetris right now! and found a brain puzzle book that I think I am going to carry with me. Good idea! Thank you so much for your kind encouragement and understanding about the on call T.quote:Do you ever have any luck playing games like Solitaire when feeling triggered? I have found it works pretty well for me for short bursts of time to totally space out what was bothering me and just focus on the game. I know it sounds overly simplistic, but I have found it can sometimes work.
LG ~ oh that is so good to hear that this recent vacation was easier for you than Christmas.
yeah, and I think I just took a step towards feeling closer, and bam, now she is "gone"... and I'm just a mess...quote:When our Ts go out of town, no matter how solid the relationship, it on some level feels like abandonment.
R2G ~ that would be hard for me as well to have the vacations so close to each other! oh I am terrible at being kind to myself, but thanks for the sweet reminder and compassion. It helped my heart to be reminded I'm not alone in this.
DF ~ yeah, this on call T is driving me nuts. It's all bad timing and just not working... but things are begining to shift a little. I hope they are. Thanks for your kind words.
Tetris rocks! I love the tune... kind of... it drives me nuts after a while!
I actually found a version of tetris online where instead of the pieces moving, the screen itself moves - it was a huge challenge, but a great distraction!
I find it so strange knowing that it is easier for me to exhibit self-hatred over self-kindness. Bass-ackward if you ask me.
Hope today is going a bit better Jane. Sending (((((jane)))).
I actually found a version of tetris online where instead of the pieces moving, the screen itself moves - it was a huge challenge, but a great distraction!
I find it so strange knowing that it is easier for me to exhibit self-hatred over self-kindness. Bass-ackward if you ask me.
Hope today is going a bit better Jane. Sending (((((jane)))).
hugs, JD...hope today is going ok for you. What an uncompassionate on-call T. She definitely needs a new profession. Like maybe as a furniture re-upholsterer or something. It's not you Jane- it's her.
BB
BB
((((((Jane)))))) Glad to hear things are going a bit better. You're still in my thoughts.
((((JANE))))
Jerky on call T. She's fired. She made me so mad. Anyway, I'm letting go of my negative emotions right now and just want to make sure you are okay. It's so hard to work through this stuff Jane. When that nervous system gets out of control, sometimes there ain't much stopping it.
Jerky on call T. She's fired. She made me so mad. Anyway, I'm letting go of my negative emotions right now and just want to make sure you are okay. It's so hard to work through this stuff Jane. When that nervous system gets out of control, sometimes there ain't much stopping it.
thanks for the encouragment everyone.
Today was hard, but better. I'm very exhausted and have a lot to deal with tomorrow.
on call T just called me about 30 minutes ago and left a voicemail message. I haven't checked it, and I just don't want to. I really don't want to know what she said or why she is calling me now 24 hours later. ugh, just leave me alone... I don't need more triggers for feeling icky stuff...
DF ~ that tune for Tetris is addictive! Mahjong too!
oh no, I'm not even playing and now that tune it stuck in my head!
time to find a good song to listen to on my mp3 player...
R2G ~ the screen was moving? that sounds really interesting... I'm too curious! off to go check it out...
self hatred is way easier for me than self kindness too... yeah, it is backwards, but I think a lot of people feel that way...
BB ~ thanks for the reminder that it's her... yeah... she's weird... I mean the first and only help she offers is for me to advise myself? what? I wish I had never called... but it's done... trying to let go and "give back" to her the comments she made...
pf and yaku ~ thanks you two!!!!
Liese ~ I'm better. My nervous system is still wound up, and my body is shakey. ugh. but at least it no longer feels like a train going at full speed. Just shakey. On call T makes me mad too. It's easier now than yesterday to not blame myself so much for it. I am baffled by her and it seems like I want to find some way to make sense of it - blame her, blame me, blame something so that then there is some sense of control about what she said and all that is going on for me. this is tough... thanks for your compassion Liese.
Today was hard, but better. I'm very exhausted and have a lot to deal with tomorrow.
on call T just called me about 30 minutes ago and left a voicemail message. I haven't checked it, and I just don't want to. I really don't want to know what she said or why she is calling me now 24 hours later. ugh, just leave me alone... I don't need more triggers for feeling icky stuff...
DF ~ that tune for Tetris is addictive! Mahjong too!
oh no, I'm not even playing and now that tune it stuck in my head!
time to find a good song to listen to on my mp3 player... R2G ~ the screen was moving? that sounds really interesting... I'm too curious! off to go check it out...
self hatred is way easier for me than self kindness too... yeah, it is backwards, but I think a lot of people feel that way...
BB ~ thanks for the reminder that it's her... yeah... she's weird... I mean the first and only help she offers is for me to advise myself? what? I wish I had never called... but it's done... trying to let go and "give back" to her the comments she made...
pf and yaku ~ thanks you two!!!!
Liese ~ I'm better. My nervous system is still wound up, and my body is shakey. ugh. but at least it no longer feels like a train going at full speed. Just shakey. On call T makes me mad too. It's easier now than yesterday to not blame myself so much for it. I am baffled by her and it seems like I want to find some way to make sense of it - blame her, blame me, blame something so that then there is some sense of control about what she said and all that is going on for me. this is tough... thanks for your compassion Liese.