I know there is an old post about dreams about T but I couldn't find it and at the time I hadn't dreamed about T. Last week I had my first dream about T the night after the session that my T told me I could email him during non-office hours (which is a change).
In the dream we were having a session in the backyard of his house on deck chairs. I spent a lot of time getting my chair in position so I could sit in the sun while he sat in the shade. Then just after we started a delivery man showed up and he left to deal with the delivery. When he came back a couple arrived for a session with his wife (also a therapist) and he went to show them to an office in their home. He didn't come back. I waited a long time and then went looking for him and he was making himself a sandwich in the kitchen. I was bothered by this but then thought I've wasted lots of sessions crying and not talking so I guess this is his turn. I said I was going to go because he was too busy. He walked me out to the sidewalk and he was walking really close to me and when we said goodbye we hugged. The hug was nice, safe, not weird or freaky. When I woke up I felt at peace.
Of course over the next couple of days I started to analyze the dream more and I realized how weird it was. My T is always clear on boudaries and pays attention to me. I don't want to hug my T when I'm awake. We have recently started shaking hands and that is good. There are very few people in the world (I think one besides my husband) that I feel safe hugging. Usually I'm uncomfortable (don't feel safe) or self-conscious (think I'm repulsive) so that is very weird.
At my session yesterday I had a lot of trouble finding something to talk about. Eventually my T asked how I felt about the email at home idea and I admitted I was both grateful and uncomfortable with it. I was worried about becoming dependent on him (okay more dependent), worried he didn't want to but suggested it out of pity I guess. He started to discuss those ideas and then I stopped him and told him about the dream while looking at the floor. I told him I thought that the dream expressed my fear if I relaxed into the relationship and started trusting him that he would start doing non-therapy things. He said maybe the change in email contact made me worry that therapy was going to change and I was afraid he was going to stop "caring" about me and what I needed.
It was an interesting discussion and made me grateful I don't have more dreams about T. I mentioned how unusual it was for me to feel safe in a hug in life but that was as far as the hug got discussed.
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