Hi River,
It scares me a little that I understand exactly what you mean. Better the pain of sorrow then the nothingness of numbness. My hope is that as the feelings come back so will the energy to figure out what your feelings mean and understand them so you can make room for something besides pain. I know you've been struggling for a long time and I really do believe that healing is very possible for you but I know sometimes it doesn't at all feel like that. I really hope the new medication really helps and allows you to get some relief.

AG

Hey River, I wanted to send you a private message. Can you allow that?

x

Hi Again,

Since it's on my mind, I will share this with everybody. Have you ever Chanted? I notice that you live in So. Cal, where I used to live in the 80's, and I was introduced to Nichiren Buddhism [http://sgi-usa.org/] there. Over the years I have been more involved and less involved but I do remember the chanting specifically helping my insides to get better. I'm not one for "group joining" but you may be, so you can find a local group in your area and learn about it through them. Or, if you like DIY, just start chanting, "Nam-Myo-Ho-Ren-gay-Kyo" over and over again so it resonates in your being. The actual meaning is something like, "fusion with the mystic law of cause and effect through sound vibration" - or "polishing the diamond within".

Chanting this mantra or others has nothing to do with religion, so it won't interfere with your belief systems. It's more of an exercise, like jogging.

Other mantras are (phonetically) "Hur-ray Krishna" and simply, "OM". I'm sure there are lots more, but these are the Big Three.

Try one or all of them and see what happens for you, as an experiment even.

xoxoxoxox

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SpaGirl,

Thanks for posting this. It caught my attention the first time you mentioned it so I'm glad you gave us more information on it. I've tried meditation before but I always get so distracted (and yes the irony is not lost on me that this is what I'm trying to work on in the first place). I think they call that "monkey mind". Chanting might help tame that monkey in my mind. So thank you for posting the suggestion, I'm off to do a little research on it and then try it myself.

SG

p.s. Have you ever read the book "Eat, Pray, Love"? It is a true story about a woman who went on a spiritual quest. She spent the second leg of her journey learning a type of meditation (I forget the name of it and I don't have the book right here) in an ashram. I believe it involved chanting. Anyway if you haven't read it I think you would enjoy it. Her story is quite remarkable.

Hi River,

I know what you mean. I've had my antidepressant dose upped recently but there's been no change as of yet. I'm waiting for some sort of "kick", something that does "something" at least.

I'm supposed to be happy as I've made my decision to defer the year and have secured a job for the next 6 months but I don't feel happy.I feel anxious and down as I have been for a while.All I want is to escape for a long,long time. Recently I've been drinking more and I know it's not good for me but there's this emptiness there that's almost too much to bear.

With the ending of my relationship with my past T I'm finding this week very hard. I don't know what's normal anymore. Last night I got up from my seat in a friends house. They had got a cake for my bday and were all hanging out for the evening. But at this particular moment I just thought it was all I could do, to go to the kitchen and pick something up to make myself feel some pain. I didn't seem to even think twice. I did it but I'm such a wuss I can't go through with it enough to leave a permanent mark, something that I could focus on, hold on to even. It's sounds so pathetic and what scares me is stuff like this is becoming normal for me. And yet when I do it it still feels like nothing, that I'm not going far enough.

I'm sorry to bring such pessimistic stuff up here but I guess I thought you guys might get where i'm coming from. Even my closest friends can't get their head around me saying that I think i'm weak for not developing a severe eating disorder like anorexia to make myself thin.

Hi HB,

Thanks so much for your kind words. They mean a lot. I had a number of reservations about making the last post: 1. I didn't want to hijack the thread as I feel it should be focusing on River's experience and 2. I did not want to "bring people down" as such. I'm very wary of being too inward looking and pessimistic. That's just a personal thing.

At least I've made the stop to email a new T. I'm dreading starting all over again but I know it has to be done. Like I said, there are so many things I feel like I want to do to feel something, like the cutting or my issues with food. Sometimes I just look in the mirror when I'm doing something to hurt myself and I don't know who I'm looking at. And I know that if those around me knew what was happening they would be shocked.

My last T was the only one I've told about it. He seemed worried and shocked the first time I spoke about it. Even recommended a specific self-harm centre. But like I said, I feel more worthless than someone who self-harms (and I mean no disrepect to anyone, I mean I feel more worthless when I fail to self-harm) as like I said, I think it shows a weakness in me. It almost makes me feel like things aren't that bad as I can't go through with it. Daft I know.

Thank you for trying to get through to me with the idea of comforting myself from the outside. I'll think about it. I just know it's so hard to get through to me sometimes. I have years of experience of undermining myself, of thinking the worst of myself. It feels like it's almost impossible to unlearn these things.

Hey Crazy Lady (and I would really like to NOT call you this!),

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It really IS better than the alternative, which is just too final.

With what I want to say, I do not want you to feel that I am not acknowledging your pain and suffering, or that I am making light of your condition. It's not that, at all. But, I was thinking about what you wrote and, as we do, comparing it to my feelings, life, etc. And, again, I don't want to make a trite suggestion, but I have found upping my nutrition to be extremely helpful with mood. I'm not just talking about "eating right", etc., but, "super-sizing" some vital nutrients like the B Vitamins, and protein, and the Omegas. Personally speaking (which is the only way I can) I have seen immediate difference in how I feel and how I view the world, when I eat "better". For me that means, getting away from sugar and wheat, and focusing on more "as nature intended" foods. Breakfast is steel cut oats because it is wheat-free and loaded with fiber; lunch might be a salad with some low-fat protein like salmon; and dinner can be a similar protein, veggie combo, with snacks being fresh fruit and yogurt, and nuts.

When I am feeling down, I typically reach for the sugary foods like cake and ice cream, (and wine and alcohol - which is sugar to your body) and it does NOTHING to help me feel better. Then the cycle starts of "I shouldn't have eaten that..." and I berate myself, instead of getting stronger by choosing foods that enhance life.

I also make a mean smoothie with a powder and juice and yogurt and fresh fruit. Currently, the powder I'm into is "Nature's Way ALIVE Whole Food Energizer, Ultra Shake". I can easily find it in my supermarket, it's vegetarian, and LOADED with EVERY minute nutrient you could think of. Plus, I do feel more "Alive" during the day!


This is tough, and I feel for you. I'm so fortunate to have found this board. We really aren't alone. Not at all.

Love.

xoxoxox

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Hi Spagirl. Thanks for such a kind and supportive post. I agree with you, I need to change my username!

I also agree with you on the topic of nutrition. My eating habits have been pretty poor for the past while. Due to my problems with comfort eating I tend to go in cycles. So for example earlier in the year I was very strict with my diet, ate only healthy foods and did lots of exercise. But the problem was I was calorie counting, trying to lose weight and forcing myself to go to the gym. Since I went back with my recent T he told me that until my emotional problems were sorted he didn't think anything else would help with the food issues. So I stopped caring again, went into a binge cycle. I hate my body and exercising involves me using it, becoming more aware of it, acknowledging the weight I've put on and I don't want to. For me it's all or nothing and neither works well. It's so hard to explain this to people that I should just have a little bit of sweet things while eating healthily but I can't! I won't allow myself to do that without beating myself up over it or worrying incessantly about the exercise I need to do to work it off.

But I do get where you're coming from. I'm just afraid my self-esteem is at rock bottom and I find it very hard to be rational about food. However, I do know that I feel a lot better when I eat well and exercise. The problem is I can't control it.

Oh and thanks for the birthday wishes and to everyone on this board.

!!!RED FLAG!!!

"he told me that until my emotional problems were sorted he didn't think anything else would help with the food issues."

O-M-G, He could not be more WRONG!!! Exercise is a proven serotonin enhancer. And, baby, you need all the (natural) mood elevators you can get (sorry, ALL of us humans do).

PLEASE IGNORE this persons "advice" and get back to TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF!!! NOTHING matters more than this!

And, beautiful one, your body is fine just as it is. Whether it's "fat" or "skinny" or some variable in between.

None of this shit matters. We ALL suffer, from time to time, with body issues. Hell, you can't pick up a magazine without either a new diet or fudge brownie recipe - usually both on the same cover!!!


Love.

.

quote:

Originally posted by SpaGirl:
!!!RED FLAG!!!

"he told me that until my emotional problems were sorted he didn't think anything else would help with the food issues."

O-M-G, He could not be more WRONG!!! Exercise is a proven serotonin enhancer. And, baby, you need all the (natural) mood elevators you can get (sorry, ALL of us humans do).

PLEASE IGNORE this persons "advice" and get back to TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF!!! NOTHING matters more than this!

And, beautiful one, your body is fine just as it is. Whether it's "fat" or "skinny" or some variable in between.

None of this shit matters. We ALL suffer, from time to time, with body issues. Hell, you can't pick up a magazine without either a new diet or fudge brownie recipe - usually both on the same cover!!!


Love.

.

Hey SpaGirl.

Thanks for your support and advice though I must admit it is particularly hard for me at the moment to think about my ex-T doing anything wrong, as I'm missing him so much at the moment I tend to get quite defensive of him anyways and I had kinda accepted his word on this one cos nothing seemed to be working for me.

I only seem to be able to go to extremes, I do try to control it but therein lies the problem, it becomes all about control. It is extremely difficult for me to be relaxed about food. I do know what's good for me and know how to eat healthily, it's not lack of effort.

It's just that I got so tired of the calorie counting and fear of putting on weight. It almost became more of an issue when I started doing well i.e. I began to get compliments over how I looked and how I'd lost weight but that just drove me on to obsess more about it rather than feel good about what I had achieved. It's all about pleasing people, people's perception of me being positive. I feel like I have so little to offer and that this is just another failure in a long list. (again, sorry for the pessimism.) I just feel so weak and am unbelievably critical of myself. Both of my ex-T's talked about it in nearly every session, how I had this unbelievably high expectation of myself.

And the weird thing is I don't believe in judging people on their appearance. I would be extremely angry if someone commented negatively on a friend's appearance. I care about who they are,not what they look like.But like a lot of things in life, what applies to other people "doesn't apply to me, it's fine for them".

I think my feelings about this have worsened in recent times due to me discovering that I might be bisexual. I'm attracted to women and I'm drawn to the quote from Stephen Fry when he said that he is attracted to his own sex and thus knows what is physically attractive or desirable and does not find himself desirable. I felt terrible empathy with him and felt he was putting himself down but yet again, when it comes to me, I feel such ideas are justified.

And thanks HB I wouldn't go that far but maybe I'll fiddle around with it. Though after my last post I feel like I'm reinforcing the current one!