Lady,

I am so sorry for this dillema; I understand because my H is so NOT supportive of my therapy. It sounds like your T really wants to avoid perpetuating the concept or feelings that you are cheating.

I am going to preobably overstep my limits here, so AG, get that slapper ready. . .but whether or not your so accepts your decision is about him and not you. YOU have take care of you, and taking care of you means seeing your T, who seems to be providing you the support and care you need. However, it seems you T is setting boundreis to help you in your relatiohsips to help you grow. Does that make any sense.

My husband greatly resents my T, and the relatioship I have with her. He resents that he cannot be as connected, and I don't sahre the same things. There is a reason we don's have that relationship, and I have had to let go of his resentment in order to make the most of therapy. Those two worlds may clash, but in the end, you are the one who has to come first.

I hope that helps and makes a little bit of sense.

whereami

whereamI

Thanks so much for your reply and yes it does make sense. And I agree with you that it speaks for him not me. The pressure I feel is compounded by the fact that I feel my T 'shoved' me out the door without due discussion and left me to deal with feeling abandoned (my stuff) as well as dealing with how to tell my husband that I'm seeing a T. Also I've know the T longer than I know my husband....and I don't know whether I'm finished with my T or whether he's just giving me space... oh God I'm so mixed up

Hi Lady,

I don't really understand why your T "shoved you out the door" either. This is something that could have been discussed and you could have made a decision without so much pressure on you, and emotion behind it (like the abandonment stuff). So it may be that your T has issues with the dynamics of couples. Maybe he has had a client in the past where the secrecy caused problems in the marriage. Who knows. It's a strange reaction for a T...

Your T clearly wants you to tell your SO. Do you want to tell them? What is holding you back? Is it fear of rejection, shame, or is it more having to give up that part of you that is holding that special secret, just for you? There is nothing wrong with any of these things, or any other reason you have for keeping this from your partner in the past. But I think if you can figure out why you wanted it to be a secret, then you can figure out if it is the right time to share.

I hope this makes sense!

LTF

Hi LOS,
It's good to hear from you, it's been a long time. Sorry for what you're struggling with. I understand you struggling with the feeling you're cheating, as I definitely dealt with that for awhile, but I've been very open with my husband about what's been going on (he's a really good guy and has always been supportive of therapy.) After I saw my T and told him about the growing attraction the first time, I told my husband about it the next morning. I wasn't yet seeing my T individually, my husband and I were seeing for marriage counseling, and he was my husband's therapist first. I felt really uncomfortable about the thought of sitting in a couples session and having my T and I know how I felt and my husband not knowing about it. It felt very unfair and if things were reversed, it would really bother me. My husband has been pretty good about it, mainly because he trusts me and trusts our T even more. I do tend to hedge about the intensity and the level of obsession but we've been pretty open about it all along and have actually discussed the situation with all three of us in the room.

I recently borrowed a chenille spread (and ended up buying a replacement so I could keep it) from my Ts office that had a significant history for me and pretty much dragged it everywhere with me. My family took to calling me Linus. One night was I was especially upset, I actually came to bed with it wrapped around me. OUr next couples session, my husband made an offhand remark about it and I thought we slid past it, but my T brought it back up and asked my husband how he felt about it.

It was a decidedly uncomfortable discussion to say the least especially when my husband said it was almost like having the three of us in bed together. My T quite calmly acknowledged that that must have been weird. I was mortified and felt really bad but as we continued to discuss it, it became clear that my husband really understood where it was coming from. He even asked my T at one point if he snored! I ended up calling my T and spending most of our next session discussing it so it turned out to be a really good thing.

Only you can decide if and when to let your SO know about your feelings but I know that I often underestimate what my husband can handle and how he'll react. Life is much LESS complicated with him knowing what's going on.

As far as the cheating, I think it comes from the fact that often our relationship with our T is more intimate because they are inherently safer. I will tell you that as I have grown closer to my T it has led to my getting closer to my husband because I am learning from my T how to do so. And that I'm not cheating because my T has those boundaries and none of these feelings will ever be acted on. That has allowed me to examine them and see what I believed about attraction, my sexuality and intimacy. But that doesn't mean it doesn't get seriously confusing.

I racently hit the weird realization that for a long time I think I've been concentrating on wanting the relationship so badly with my T because he won't leave. But the person I'm really scared of losing is my husband. I really love him and don't want to lose him both of which are hard to say.

I think its a very healthy sign that you no longer want to segregate these parts of your life. I know for me that I spent so much of my childhood hiding my real self that's its become very important to me that I don't have to hide anymore.

But I am wondering about your Ts reaction. Working through your feelings about something this complicated is exactly the kind of situation you would need your Ts help for. And he should be able to discuss any and all of your feelings for him (I certainly know that's true of my T but I must say that he really is amazing at handling this stuff). I don't think there would be anything wrong with talking to your T about your confusion and sense of abandonment and that you feel like you need his help to work through your decision.

For me, his actions would really trigger my sense that I was unacceptable unless I came back with the right answer. NOT a feeling I want to get from my therapist. Please keep talking about how your feeling, this is a good place to be able to talk about your feelings and sort through it. I'm very sorry for how difficult this all is!

AG

Hi Lady,

I understand what you mean about "cheating" on your husband. For the longest time, I felt like the fact that I was leaning on my T for support instead of my husband was "cheating." My husband says he's glad I'm in therapy but regularly says things to imply that my current T may not be right for me. I believe it's both my T's have brought up the question about whether or not I should separate with my husband.

To chime in with everyone else, your T's rather abrupt reaction doesn't sound right. Unless, perhaps this has been a theme in the past and he feels like he needs to push you to get this resolved? I'm guessing here, please forgive me if I'm totally off base.

If it helps any, I don't think that most people know how intimate and intense therapy can be. It could be that your husband wouldn't react as strongly as you believe. Maybe he would even be glad that you were able to get some help?

I also want to second whereami's thought on taking care of yourself. That comes first, because you can't take care of anyone else if you can't take care of yourself.

My warmest wishes to you as you work on this.

Lady,

Out of curiosity, did your T not know before that your husband didn't know? Why did he all of a sudden tell you that he wouldn't see you until you decide what to do? It doesn't exactly make sense to me. I would think that he would support you in deciding how to deal with it. Also, I would think that he would let it be your choice to tell him or not, not give you some sort of ultimatum.

It is difficult to feel like you're living two lives, or that you're hiding part of your life. I went through that before I left my husband. I didn't tell him that I was going to a therapist. This went on for 1 1/2 years, until I moved out. I still haven't told him, because I know what his response will be. What response do you think your SO would have?

Good luck to you, and keep us posted.

Cat

Summer, LTF, Z, Catgirl..oh my God it was brilliant to hear from all of you and to feel that there are people out there who understand what's going on with me.


Summer
"Couldn't you just tell husband you are seeing the T but not go into detail about your feelings for your T?" - this is certainly an option but I still feel I'd be hiding. Maybe a first baby step though.

LTF
..."or is it more having to give up that part of you that is holding that special secret, just for you? " this is spot on!! We all know where secrets get us and I feel I can't play that game any more...

AG
So good to have you back - we all missed you - there was even a post about it!!! How good is that?..."I often underestimate what my husband can handle and how he'll react. Life is much LESS complicated with him knowing what's going on" . This is spot on too...I think fundamentally I'm trying to uncomplicate my life.

"I think its a very healthy sign that you no longer want to segregate these parts of your life. I know for me that I spent so much of my childhood hiding my real self that's its become very important to me that I don't have to hide anymore" - this describes exactly what's going on with me and I feel a terrible sense of urgency to bring them together or something.

Z
"your T's rather abrupt reaction doesn't sound right"...this is not typical of him. My sense is that we have been talking about me finishing for some time now. Finishing with my T might make it easier to talk to my husband about him in the past tense, if you know what I mean as in " I was seeing a T..." so he was offering me space in which to see if that's what I wanted.

Catgirl
Yes my T does know - it's come up before.

He didn't really give me an ultimatum, to be fair, and has responded to my texts and has rung me to tell me to hang in there and that he understands that I might be in a state of shock etc and to stay in touch. What I neglected to tell you guys (funny how we forget important stuff when we're in crisis) was that my son found some texts (I gave him an old cellphone of mine) that I had sent my T and asked me outright who he was and I told him!!! And I told him that it was private and confidential etc etc. Now I'm lucky in that my son is in late teens and totally self involved and it has already gone out of his head but this puts me under terrible pressure to tell my husband...oh God it's a real mess now...because I now have a double secret...oh I've just realised this makes my husband look like some awful person and he's not. It's me who's awful because I'm so afraid of exposing myself. Really upset now..

I also forgot to mention that he asked me to settle up with him...(I had already done so before he went on holidays for 3 weeks and he's just back). Boy did that put me in my place!

quote:

've just realised this makes my husband look like some awful person and he's not. It's me who's awful because I'm so afraid of exposing myself.

Neither of you are "awful," you're just both trying to do the best you can to get by. It doesn't have anything to do with awful or not awful or good or bad.