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12 replies

I feel like UPDATED with No I`m not giving up

I incognitoMember
I had my session with my T today and I'm trying to work something out. Things have gone pretty well during the last week with no major upsets. I feel anxious when I try to go to sleep or I when I'm getting ready to go to T. Yesterday when I was reviewing my week I realized that I'm feeling detached from everything. It's like I can't see the ground because there is so much fog around my legs and I'm afraid to move in case a fall into a hole. I think I'm avoiding a lot of things.

Today when I told my T about that he laughingly said well we can't just leave it at that and started asking me questions. The subject matter doesn't really matter but it is a sensitive subject that we've talked about before. I feel like things are getting worse for me in some areas. Right now I can't see it ever getting better. I feel like I'm starting to cut off part of myself because I'm afraid of the pain of working on things.

T did his things pointing out how things have changed in the past and things could change in the future. He wants me to be able to recognize when things are difficult and painful for me and have empathy for myself. I find when I do that which I have been doing lately it doesn't help. I feel bad, think I didn't deserve my childhood and it isn't fair I have to work so hard to feel okay in the world. I feel hopeless. When I said I was hopeless my T actually buried his face in his hands looking for the first time more like me. I think my T gets frustrated when I am hopeless (we've had lots of discussions that end with me being hopeless).

The rest of the session passed similarly and I realized that I think my T is right about things but what he is saying doesn't seem to help me. ... have respect for your pain...recognize what is difficult for you... etc. I spent most of my session feeling like my T and I are in opposition instead of feeling like we are a team working on things. I realize that maybe I'm not ready to work on changing things. Maybe I just need or want to sit in the pain of things. Maybe I need to figure out what I really want. Therapy and my T have helped me in lots of areas of my life but some areas I'm stuck. Maybe I'm stuck because I want to be. Earlier in therapy we would touch on a difficult topic and then move away and talk about something else. Now there are no easier topics and I don't want to work on the hard ones. So maybe it is time to stop.
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
(((Incognito)))

I'm not sure there's a worse feeling in the world than hopeless, I am sorry you are feeling that way. I don't believe it's hopeless at all, I know that you can heal, but it is hard to move forward without hope.

Only you can know what you need to do right now, but I know in my own healing it did take place in seasons. There were times when I needed to withdraw and integrate what I learned into my life and rest. There were things that took me a long time to face because I was not yet ready to face them. I think that we need to respect that in ourselves. You had no control over how fast what happened to you came at you nor when you had to deal with it. You do now. This is your pain and your life, so far be it from someone else to tell you what pain you have to face and walk through. Only you can decide if it's worth it to you.

So deciding to stop may be the right thing for you right now. It doesn't mean you're done, you may just be resting along the way.

All that said, just to provide balance, we're never going to want to be in pain (not a sane or healthy choice) and sometimes stopping can be worse than going on through. I remember hitting a point where I realized I had moved far enough that I couldn't go back but I still had so far to go and it felt horrible. I was frustrated and angry that it was so painful to heal. And it felt like I had no choice at that point. But we always do have a choice.

Talk to your T about this. I am wondering if he may be able to provide insight for you as to whether this really is a needed break or just a defensive move to attempt to protect yourself from the pain. Not that either is really wrong, but it may help you make a decision.



AG
I incognitoMember
Thanks you for the hugs, STRM.

AG, I wish I had some belief that I could move forward. I'm not sure my T will ever think that it is a good time to take a break. I'm definitely avoiding the pain but I don't think there is anything but pain ahead. There is no way to move forward or back. Stuck, stuck, stuck.

Green,

I have a lot of respect for my T. I think that he is talking about challenging a basic belief I have that I don't deserve to have my feelings or have them taken care of. I am thinking about taking a break because I'm tired of trying and failing and feeling hopeless. Thank you for your response.
sdsdMember
((Incognito)). I get the bit about maybe not wanting to change things. Maybe this is a good time for you to take a breath and work out what you do want to do. I am struggling whether I want to be helped in certain areas and I know that I don't in all areas - T is getting me to look up the Happiness Trap as there are some useful guides from the website and books that guide you through thinking about what you want in life. I tell T that I don't want help as I don't see the point as I have nothing positive to look forward to. All the great things i have - I don't find value, meaning or enjoyment from - so she is trying to get me to work out what I do value, find meaning in and what I like so help me have a "compass for living". Is this the type of thing you meant?
I incognitoMember
I don't have time for individual responses because I'm on my phone and on the way to work but I wanted to thank you all.

I don't want to quit because I feel like it is a good time. Instead I'm so stuck and it's so painful I want to run away. I'm tired of needing my T and then being angry because he isn't helping me and feeling like he is frustrated with me. I think I want to punish myself by stopping going to T in the hopes that if I make things more difficult for myself I'll be forced to find a solution. My sleepless night has shown me that much but I still don't know what to do.
forgetmenotforgetmenotMember
Hugs to you Incognito.

I understand what you feel about the helplessness and the feeling of things collapsing around you. I too have been experiencing this on and off lately.

Is there a hobby that you indulge in which could calm your mind a bit? Do you have a way of letting go or distraction to use, if only temporarily?

I'm sorry I might not be of much help. The community here is great, and perhaps solace on here helps a little too. Were all here for you.

I don't know you very well yet on here, so I hope you can accept my care through the interactive airwaves here!
I incognitoMember
Hi Nada, nice to meet you and thanks for the suggestions. I don't have a hobby that distracts me very well. I love to read but when I get too activated I can't focus. Big theatre movies are good when I can. It is a good idea.

Somedays, Isn't it terrible when the thoughts that go around in it are so painful and hopeless. I'm doing a little better today which means the thoughts are quieter and I can think of something else. I'm not sure of a resoluction yet.

DF, I appreciate your thoughts comparing staying and running as each difficult and a change. I haven't been sleeping well lately and I'm grateful that at times I can sleep for 6-7 hours because everything is harder when you are tired.

As an update I decided to talk to my husband about what he thought was going on in me surrounding therapy. I asked him if he thought I was stuck and whether it was helping. It was really helpful to hear him describe what he sees. He realizes how painful it is for me but he pointed out the improvements that come out of therapy even though things don't get easier. He also pointed out what he thinks are some of my transference reactions to my T when he thinks I think of him as my parents. I argued that some of it may be transference but some of it may be a reaction to how my T is actually acting but the conversation helped get my argument in order about it.

The best part of the conversation came after when I was able to talk to my husband about the sensitive subject that I tried to talk to my T about on Monday. I was able to unburden myself and that helped me realize how ashamed I was about how I was feeling and what I was doing. I was so ashamed that I couldn't tell T about it. Probably the best thing for me about therapy is the way that talking to my T (even though it is painful and I was mostly silent) sometimes allows me to process something enough to take a chance and talk to my husband and sometimes it works the other way and I talk to my husband first and then T.

I see T tonight and I think I'm a little clearer about the very real concerns I have about therapy and what it costs me emotionally and whether it is moving fast enough or in the right direction. I might be able to discuss them because they are not so caught up in the shame and hopelessness of a couple of days ago.
L lieseMember
((((INCOGNITO)))))

That's so great that your H was able to give you such valuable feedback. It's also great that you can talk to him about what is going on your therapy. Lots of good stuff. I'm glad that you were able to be more clear in your mind about what is bothering you about therapy. Hope T was able to help you resolve some of the issues. If you don't mind sharing the outcome, I'd love to hear what happened because I have some of the same concerns too.

xoxo

Liese
I incognitoMember
Thanks for the hugs Liese.

I had a good session with T tonight. I was able to share with him the conversation between me and my husband. Then I was able to tell him something I couldn't tell my husband, something that I struggle with and am ashamed of and he was kind to me about it. I didn't get to discuss my worries about therapy. I don't feel as stuck anymore. I reached out to my T and he was there to listen. He even told me to be in touch when I left which I'm taking to be permission to contact him in the next day or two and tell him how I feel.

When I get to discuss therapy with him I'll definitely let you know how it goes.

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