I'm having a hard time understanding how I work.

When younger there was emotional negligence and a lot of moving around/breaking up/arguments of the family atmosphere from when I was born. Then emotional manipulation up to about 13 years old where I experienced a few years of emotional and physical abuse by both my Stepmum and Dad.

At school I was considered an intelligent pupil. I was ahead of myself by 3 years in English and 2 years in Math at about aged 9 or so and put forward for a Scholarship. Therefore I have the capacity to intellectualize things. I also find reading heavy books such as Tolstoy or Thoreau very interesting because I feel that I do not fit into what society requests of me. I think an awful lot and enjoy my solitude above the company of others. people ask 'Do you get anxious in social situations then?'. Once again I'm generally indifferent but the closest thing I can say to that is 'People bore me and I do feel a little uncomfortable yes'

I go to a psychotherapist at the moment because the way I have dealt with situations that involve being close to people have been too co-dependent and desperate.

yet at the same time, I don't know where on earth my feelings originate from. I generally feel indifferent to most things. When I went to India I was not swayed by the poverty that happened there. I moved through all what I saw, generally unaffected. What bothered me was when friends would say to me 'I could never go there. I would feel too much for the poverty'

When I do cry during therapy, I don't know how it occurs. Even when I talk about my parents and I start crying, it doesn't 'feel' like I'm crying about them. It only feels like they are coming from an uncertain place of which, I cannot place my finger on at all.

When the therapist says to me the most simplest of statements such as 'You feel misunderstood', I cry when she says it but I feel indifferent. Even during crying I'll allude to 'I don't know if that is true'.

Would you say this is something to do with disassociation?