I think Ts can sense things, but are cautious not to assume or play in to hints (sometimes). I feel very self conscious in therapy mostly because I think my T thinks much worse intentions than I have. To ease the discomfort I often just come out and address whatever it is because it is worse for me than the feelings I create out of my worry. Sometimes my T will help me along and suggest what she thinks (and I'll correct her if I feel otherwise) but not when it comes to asking for stuff.

I hope you're able to ask your T what you need to ask him when you can. Sometimes when I have something to tell my T that is distressing or difficult she will have me visualize it externalized in some manner and then we'll move it closer to me until I can say it. I think it helps practice for when I'm in a relationship and need something that I can say it and it's maybe not so scary after all.

Good luck!

quote:

I think it helps practice for when I'm in a relationship and need something that I can say it and it's maybe not so scary after all.

I agree with catalyst - I know that my T wants me to spell it out, and she has in the past commented "that's where I thought you were headed" but she won't go there without me opening the door first. I think it's partly to get me (us) to actually speak up for ourselves, whether it's asking for something, or expressing a fear/desire, or whatever.

For me, when I've tried for a few weeks to get something out that just won't escape my mouth, I end up writing my T a letter and I either read it to her (easier to read the words than to just speak them!) or hand it to her to read.

This therapy stuff is scary and hard and messy and a PITA sometimes, but I'm assured it is all worth it

((((CAT))))(((((KANSAS)))))(((((R2G)))))

Thanks for the great replies and support. It is good practice and I do notice that the more I can talk about with T, the more comfortable I am talking with other people. But it's so brutal, isn't it? I am so twisted inside but the reason I left that nutty message for him on Friday was so that I would be committed to talking about it tomorrow. It really is one of those times when we have to have the conversation or I'm going to withdraw from him and start that crazy dance I do, a little side-step here, a little one-two step there. Oh, gosh, it gets tiring being me and avoiding my emotions all the time. Even though I'm getting better at realizing when I'm doing it, I wonder if it will ever stop? It takes so much energy to push them down all the time.

Liese

If T knows you want to ask something and you know that he knows...what if you just spit it out and get it over with...rip it off like a bandaid?

I get like that when me and T talk about our relationship. She knows exactly how I feel and I don't want to spell it out. She looks at me and sometimes there's that God awful silence and the more silence there is, the more I want to hide and I feel like fretting.

It's difficult when your T can see your patterns and can unravel them without you saying anything.

When I tell T something difficult, I trail off but I try to force myself to go through it. I don't look at her in that moment.

Sometimes I tell her the process of what I go through. Maybe that might work for you? I sometimes tell her 'I can't talk to you about so and so because I feel that I can't let it out because I will feel scary/judged etc'. When she replies with empathy, it can sometimes make me feel more comfortable...

Good luck Liese

Liese - this is me all over. I used to be bad when I was with youngT - but I have got a little bit better at opening up with T. I write and write and write. Emails, letters. It took me MONTHS to get the courage to tell youngT something - from the sensitive issues forum - and in the end I couldn't. Then I went thru it all again with T. In the end it was something I had written and I handed it to her.

I realised that i needed to let T know as I was exploding as soon as i left therapy. I was so angry at myself that I couldn't talk. I would then be angry all week long and I would dance around the subject all over again the next week. This went on and on.

You just have to find a way Liese - write it down, hand it to T the second you get in the door.Don't think about it and don't let yourself back out. I had my stuff written out for 6 months! I would take it every week. That is a lot of pain and anger I caused myself.

Everyone on the Sensitive Issues forum was saying to me 'hurry up and just tell T'!!!! It was very difficult.

I did preface my story to T saying that this was a very difficult thing and that I was freaking out. T stopped and grounded me first before she read it and checked in with me a few times while reading it (which was nice).

Liese -
Step 1. Write it all down, word for word as if you were going to say it to him.
Step 2. Take it with you to therapy
Step 3. Walk in, hand the letter and sit down
Step 4. Calm down, breathe - it is going to be ok. I am sitting there right next to you in spirit and I will give you a hug if you want one.

You can do it
SD

Hi Liese,

Ditto everything Somedays said....for me I realised that I could almost 'waste' ages in session trying to: a) think about bringing something up, b) immediately talk myself out of it, c) pluck up courage again, d) work out what to say, e)not manage to say it and sit in some sort of dumb stupor feeling incredibly stupid.

For me the solution came with writing difficult stuff down and I do it most weeks now and give it to T as I walk in. It's become part of our routine. I think we both find it helpful and it saves lots of time and heartache on my part. What is important though is to talk about the things you then have written afterwards, but as they have already been 'spoken' in a letter, that for me becomes so much easier.

I hope this encourages you, keep trying, you will feel so much better once it is said (((Liese)))

starfishy

((((LG))))((((FMN))))(((((SOMEDAYS))))(((((STARFISHY)))))


Well, I did it! I almost let it slide because you know how it's easier to get caught up in other stuff. But we had already talked about the message I left on Friday and that I did it to commit myself to talk about it.

So, I told him that it was probably all inappropriate but I was going to tell him anyway. I also said that I didn't want to put pressure on him or make him feel like he had to respond a certain way, that I'm well aware that he has his own feelings on the topic.

But then I took the plunge and told him all the thoughts I've had about wanting him to comfort me physically when I want to cry or when I want comfort.

He was open and accepting though he did tell me he can't make any promises but that when I do cry, I will know that there is another human being in the room.

I had a rough weekend last weekend and last Monday, I just wanted to throw myself into his arms and cry and tell him how horrible my weekend was.

I couldn't do it when I got there because I wasn't sure what the boundaries are/were and even though I told him how horrible my weekend was, I never really felt like I conveyed on an emotional level how horrible it was and then didn't feel like I got the support I needed.

Now I'm freaking out just a little that he's freaking out, that I told him too much. I was pretty honest. But that's okay. I think I can handle it.

Thanks for all the support.

xoxoxoxoxox

Liese

Okay, so I lied. I can't handle it. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. You know, that punch in the stomach feeling that makes you just want to curl over in pain.

I told him that I don't know if I really need touch to heal or if I'm just obsessed with it because I can't have it. You know, you always want the things you can't have. Well, I do anyway. And then I get stuck there and can't get past it.

We had a great conversation about it though and he told me that he's never used touch before in therapy so this is all new to him as well. I told him that I really want him to be honest with me because it hurts more when he doesn't say anything.

And then he spontaneously said that he really does like working with me. I asked him why and he said because I work really hard. I told him that I really appreciated hearing that and was actually taking it in.

Way to go Liese!!!!! Yay for you. SO glad you did it.

Liese,

I'm glad to hear you told him. It's great that you were able to tell him. I know how you feel about not being sure if you are conveying how awful things are for you emotionally. I feel the same way even though I cry in therapy. I actually feel like I cry so much it is meaningless to him.

I'm sure you will be able to follow it up and talk more about it. thanks for telling us how it went.

((((CAT))))

It was really nice to hear him say that. It was the first time in four years. IMO, it was long overdue.

(((((SD)))

Thanks for the cheers. That was really nice.

((((INCOGNITO)))))

He says he seems to know how distressed I am. He thinks he is conveying empathy. I'm just so tone-deaf to it all. I think I have to learn the difference between indifference, rejection and dismissiveness. Maybe it's not him who is not listening to me?

HUGS TO ALL BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE ALL STRUGGLING,

Liese