Hi all,

I'm back from my vacation and slowly getting caught up on all the threads I missed. My vacation was both good and bad and difficult. I spent too much time with my family, my mother and my sister, and I saw one of my abusers at the wedding I went to. I spent a lot of time triggered.

Last week I went to my regular session and vented for 45 min without letting my T get a word in and then asked for another appointment last week. I was lucky he had an opening I could make and so I got to process some of the things that occurred with my sister. My sister is like my mother and is in denial about anything negative. She doesn't notice her kids behaviour and everything is "kids will be kids" or oh well. It was exhausting being around her kids because she has never told them No. My parents were really strict and didn't have any awareness or interest in our emotional states. My sister appears to be the opposite and is completely permissive but is equally unaware of her children. It is scary because she has a huge blind spot about her children. I told my T I was worried that I had a blindspot too.

Today my T wanted to talk about how seeing my abuser made me feel. It was so painful. I am ashamed about some things I did when I was a teenager and really confused. I think I'll write more about that in the sensitive forum so I don't trigger people here. The end result is I feel awful and I don't think T understands why. I may not be responsible for what happened when I was a child but I'm more responsible for what happened later. I would write my T but what could I say. "you don't understand how bad I am, you don't understand that I'm just as bad now". It wouldn't help.

This is so hard and I have to wonder why I'm talking about it at all. I can't change what I did. I doesn't help me fix my problems in my life today. At the end T thanked me for going there and I just left,no thank you, no connection, just confusion.