So we started off talking about how things have been the last 2 weeks. Have I been ruminating on stuff from last session, or other things about my attachment to her, our relationship, etc. I didn't really have anything to say, except that I feel less stuck in my head these days, but that I have had some issues the past two weeks, given the nature of this assignment.
She asked me what she does or doesn't do that causes me so much fear about opening up to her and talking about the attachment. She offered to move her chair to the other end of the room, to sit by me on the couch so it felt more like a conversation than therapy, or whatever I could think of that might make me less fearful. I would have loved her to sit on the couch next to me, but I couldn't verbalize that.
I told her it comes down to her past reactions to some of my stuff and how those reactions ended up making me feel about myself and about what she thought of me. She felt bad. She mentioned that it was about her, not me. That she's not good at putting on the poker face, and that she wasn't shocked by my revelations, but more surprised that I am seeing all of these things about her that are positive and that I have idealized, but that I don't see my own positive qualities. She said I look at the 5% of me that might be less than ideal, but never see the 95% that is good. She also said that she sees herself as ordinary, and I told her that I know that! But that rejection by her of my feelings about her, whether realistic or not, was painful. She said something about how seeing all those things about her might be unhealthy for me because I put her on the pedestal, and she doesn't belong there.She said at one point during the session that we aren't typically drawn to people that aren't similar to us and that she sees many of the qualities I point out about her in me, but I don't see them. I just see the negative. She said she likes me, looks forward to me coming to my sessions and enjoys our time together because we have similar interests, likes, talents, etc. She said she is never drawn to certain types of people and listed them off to me so I could see what she meant. She is drawn to people that have similar interests, talents, and characteristics to hers, and so are most people. Something to think about.
I read her the stuff I had brought with me last time but didn't read, and bawled through it. I hate that!! I know I have to access the emotional part of myself if I am to really connect and have healing experiences with my T, I just don't like being emotional in front of her. When I finished she asked if I wanted to go on, or stop there and talk about it. So we talked about it. That's when she rolled closer to me after a while of me not looking at her except very sporadically. When she moves in like that I almost can't help but look at her. I wish she had moved in even closer, as that would have helped force me to look at her while she talked to me. I kept my eyes down most of the time, as I get really thoughtful and embarrassed about what she is saying and that she even has to 'go there' in the first place. She was very gentle and kind with what she told me about how I am looking for a mentor but thinking that I can get everything I need and want from just one person. She said she can be a mentor for me, but she doesn't have all the answers, doesn't know everything, and can't fix me. I told her I know that stuff. Then she whacked my shoe with her pen and said "And, I don't have it all together, either." She said no one does, we're all here to learn and grow and become the best we can be, but that it's a process and is never-ending. She told me that one day she decided to give herself permission to make 13 mistakes a day. Then when she made a mistake she would recognize that it wasn't her best self, that she could do better and next time she would. Then if she didn't use all her mistakes that day, they rolled over to the next day.
I like that! I think I will use that as a way to stop beating up on myself. She said I am SO hard and critical of myself, but very generous with compliments to others. She said I need to learn to love myself, to validate myself, to talk positively to myself instead of all the negative mantras I keep going as the reinforcement to the core beliefs I have about myself.Then she wanted me to read my list of comparisons between her and my PT. I told her it would probably be easier for her to read it, so she took it from me and started. The first thing was about how I am afraid to open up to her because of past reactions, but that I was able to be fairly open with my PT. Then she asked me why I was still coming. That made me sad. I'm attached, hello!!
And I know that she feels bad about the things she has said and done in the past that have caused me pain and confusion. She said we're in this process together and that she will learn from me while I learn from her, and she wanted to know how she could help me. I told her it was just past stuff, that she hasn't done anything recently that has contributed to my fears, but just old stuff still kicking around in my head. She asked if we could start from here and move forward, and I said yes. 'Starting over' has become a recurring theme in my therapy...There was a part on my list about contact, how I could email my PT but not her. She told me I could email her if I wanted to.
I refused that offer, because honestly, that is where I got into trouble with my PT. I got really lost in email and caused some serious issues because I kept wanting to work things out with him but did it via email instead of in person. That was a huge mistake for me. Now I'm wishing I had gotten her email address anyway, but told her I didn't know what I would email her about anyway. I'm regretting that in some ways, as I think I could email her stuff when it came up instead of waiting for two weeks between sessions, but email causes me a lot of anxiety and I'm constantly checking it if I am hoping for a response from an AF, and I waste a lot of time on the computer waiting for their response. Not ideal.She started talking about the benefits of comparing her and my PT. Something about seeing the patterns in the people I'm drawn to, and could I see the similarities we have, the good things that I see in them as being things I might have within myself, just maybe not as well-developed as in the other person. I kind of started shutting down at this point and she said, "Now I'm boring you to death". I told her "No, you're not." and she said, "Yes I am. You're fading on me. Are you still in there?" I was embarrassed that I was sort of zoning out, but at that point I was feeling fairly comfortable and I guess relaxed because I think I was relieved that all of this stuff was finally coming out--stuff I've locked away for quite a while.
She asked me what I need from her. She says I know more about my needs that I think I do because I always tell her I don't know what my needs are. I guess I'm just not in touch with them. I've always worried about others' needs and not really felt that mine had any place to exist. So she wanted me to say the first thing that came to mind when she asked me. I told her I need her acceptance. Then she asked what she does that causes me to feel like I don't have her acceptance. I told her nothing lately, it was just the past reactions stuff. She said she is totally fine with me and accepts me. I know that she does. She's been a lot better with me since I decided to leave her back in February, and then changed my mind. I think she realized that I was ready to start therapy and that her waiting around for medication to work was just a waste of time because I wasn't making progress and it was really bothering me, and meds just aren't cutting it. She said I'm going to have to stick it out through the tough stuff without the help of meds. Um...yeah.
She went over with me by 15 minutes. She wanted to be sure that I had said all I wanted to say, and asked if we were okay. I said yes, but then she countered with, "How will I know if you're telling me the truth?" because I had told her that I oftentimes won't tell her when she asks if we're okay and I feel like we're not. I just say, "yeah" and then go home and fall apart over the course of the next few days. Well, I spit my tongue out at her jokingly, then said I would call her if I ended up ruminating on anything. She said that is great, that for me to do that is progress for me. Then she gave me a high five.
Overall, I feel like it was a good session. She wanted to keep the journal entry I didn't get around to reading, as well as the comparisons list. She has read it all by now, I'm sure, since her next patient wasn't even waiting in the waiting room and she joked about talking some more, or going to the cafeteria together for something to eat. I feel bad about leaving the journal entry because it was something I never intended her to read but then decided maybe she needs to read the real, raw me. She wants to discuss it next time I come, and in the meantime she has given me the assignment to list my top ten core beliefs about myself and the negative mantras that support them. That should prove interesting, since I am pretty unaware of my negative self-talk. It is so natural and ingrained in me that I struggle to identify it.
Anyway, I felt connected to my T today more than I have in a while. I feel more understood by her, and feel that opening up to her about my attachment stuff isn't something I need to fear anymore. She has been a lot better the last 8 months or so, so I feel like I can actually start making some real progress in my therapy. That's the hope I'm holding on to, anyway.
MTF
