DGUOM, I wish I could help you somehow. I can't think of anything to do besides to say I hear you and that you haven't deserved what you have been through. I think everyone on this board cares and wants to listen. Many of them have been where you are.

DGUOM,
I'm sorry, it sounds like you are exhausted and overwhelmed and in so much pain that it's hard to continue living. It also sounds like you are feeling so much self-loathing that it's hard to believe anyone else cares. But they do. I know that we really do care here about you. And I know that the boundaries with a therapist can make it difficult to trust its real, but it is. I believe that your therapist genuinely cares for you but it's hard that she can't be there all the time the way you deserved to have someone there growing up. I hate what you're mother said to you about wanting another daughter but I want to be clear that while that speaks volumes about your mother, it says nothing about you. Any parent saying that to there child, especially one they're abusing, is just dumping their own rage and shame on their innocent, defenseless child which is SO wrong.

As for calling crisis lines, I volunteer on one, and it's ok to keep calling, that's what we're there for. For myself, I'm only on the line 8-12 hours a month, so it's hard to feel that way about a person. We do have "regular" callers, but those are people I often look forward to speaking to when the opportunity presents itself. I know for our line, volunteers are there because they really care for people, and want to help. Each person who calls is a unique individual, who is worthwhile and deserves to be heard and we're there to make sure there's a place for them to be heard, even if it's again and again.

As for the memories, I don't think your therapist will have any trouble believing you, I know I don't. I have very few memories of my young childhood when my dad was abusing me. The events that threatened to overwhelm be because they were so painful were shoved away and stored until I was strong enough and safe enough to face them. I often dissociated (for me I went away to my gray place where there was no feeling) in order to endure what we was happening. From what you have said when posting before, you have been treated very badly for a long time, it makes sense you have no conscious, biographical memories; there was just too much painful stuff for you to stay present and stay sane.

I know you feel hopeless right now, but you can heal. You do have memories, they're just not accessible right now. I truly believe that therapy can help you and that there are people out there with whom you can form loving relationships, relationships in which you are cared for the way you deserve to be instead of mistreated which has been your experience.

And you have every right to be angry about how you've been treated and to express it. I'm very glad you're here talking about it.

AG

PS I edited your post to remove the reference to a specific method of self-harm.

(()) Hugs to you - if that's ok. I understand how bad you are feeling. Boy do I understand. I'd like to say it all just goes away, but you know it doesn't. It does, however, get better. Believe it or not it does. I am such a non believer in this ever going away, but I will say it's gotten better.

I do care about you and want you to feel better. Your t, I'm sure cares also. Try to trust her a little bit - it makes all the difference. I can also tell you that everyone on this site cares about you to. It's just the way they are. Such support from here and just validation sometimes helps me.

So I'm not a t but I'll listen any time you want to talk.

((((DGUOM))))

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are. But I think I understand somewhat of what it feels like. I do understand this feeling:

quote:

I belong to nobody

I often feel like that. It's a really hard place to be. As AG said, it's hard to believe in the relationship because of the boundaries but it is real. I've had a huge struggle with that and still struggle with it often. I did tell my T I needed to belong to him but I wasn't sure what I meant by that. I was embarrassed to tell him that. He responded by telling me he is committed to working with me. Needing to belong to someone is a basic human need. I don't know how long you've been seeing your therapist or what kind of relationship you have with her, but can you talk to her about these feelings? Maybe she would be okay with that need. Mine was but I know they are all different.

((((DGUOM))))

I'm sorry for how you are feeling because I do understand. At the moment you are just sitting at the very bottom of a deep dark pit and right now you are struggling to see the light. I want to tell you that the light does exist, and it exists not only for everyone else, but for YOU too. What does your T suggest you do when you are feeling this way? What has worked for you in the past?

Overall I agree with what everyone else has said, and I wish I could help you more, but for now I'll be thinking of you.



B2W

Im sorry I took forever to respond.
I dont know where I am at this point, I feel like I dont know anybody I live with, dont know my therapist....its easier not to know her...it would be too painful to accept that, she doesnt care about me, she doesnt need me in her office....her day doesnt change much if I dont show up.

Im just here. You people that I have never met , care about me.
you people, that I never even talked to with my own voice, reach out to me.

but ill never be able to see what love or feel what love is ..u know. how moms love their kids the way I see it in the parks and at daycares....
i dont want that anymore. I just wish I could lay in some imaginary place, and just be nothing.

Its so painful to trust someone so much, and just know you can picture them being happy they didnt have to see your face.

Just knowing you're a nuisance, your "in the way"...

It's ok taking your time in responding, sorry I didn't see this sooner. It sounds like you are feeling very hopeless, but the fact that you can feel our love and care means that you CAN feel it. And you can learn to have that with people who are physically in your life.

You have been mistreated for a very long time, and one of the terrible effects of that is that you have come to believe a lie, that you are not loveable and anyone who actually interacts with you would be happy to not have to see you again. It's not true.

You are not a nuisance, nor are you in the way. You are a person and of infinite worth. That is not changed because the people who should have taught you that fact are not reflecting in such a way you can learn it. I truly do not believe your T feels that way. Could you tell her about these feelings and fears and give her a chance to reassure you?



AG